Having a tough time....

[slushie]

I'm currently 24, and was in a relationship of nearly 2 years until about 3 weeks ago. My girlfriend ended it, stating that she was no longer "in" love with me. Some background:

 

The relationship was fairly strong for about the first year. I have to admit though, especially after the first year, I would often question our relationship and whether I felt strong enough for her to remain in it. She is an amazing girl. I was attracted to her as she is someone who I feel truly has a good heart and has her head on her shoulders. The problem was that I didn't quite feel as though that she was truly meant for me, but I remained in the relationship as I rarely have ended a relationship.

 

We are both currently students at the same university. This summer she went away to another big city to live with her best friend and sister. She still lived at home with her parents, and she thought it was a good opportunity to live with her friend and sister while experiencing living on her own. Before she left, we had a conversation, initiated by her, about the status of our relationship. It was agreed that it had gone somewhat sour. The bottom line is that this was because of my actions. I wasn't really acting myself around her and it seems like I was not doing some of the little things that one should do when in a relationship. I was not fully emotionally involved. I think up to that point I wasn't taking the relationship all that seriously and ultimately wasn't making her feel as that "special" someone. Anyways, after that conversation, I seemed to be overwhelmed with emotions. I got so mad at myself for not being a better boyfriend. Thinking back, she was a good girlfriend to me. I always felt as though I meant the world to her. I told her that things would change and that my approach towards the relationship was going to be refreshed.

 

This was directly before she left. She went away, and naturally we did not see much of each other because of the distance. Bottom line, I got dumped and she said it was partially because she started having feelings for another guy. She said she still loved me, but was not in love with me. She, of course, said she still wanted me in her life. She made that clear.

 

Now, three weeks later, I have heard from her only once. I spoke to her one time, about a week after the breakup. It was a friendly conversation. I told her that I thought the breakup was premature, and that I agreed with her that the relationship was not perfect. However, with her returning in September, I was looking forward to approaching the relationship in a new light. She said she would take what I said into consideration and that we would speak later. I have not heard from her since.

 

I am in such an emotional roller-coaster right now. I think about her constantly. I wonder if she is dating someone else. And I am upset that she would say she wants me in her life yet makes no attempt to stay in contact with me. I think I am having the hardest time dealing with the rejection right now. To have a girl think the world of you and then get dumped potentially for another guy grinds away at me inside. Yet I also realize that I wasn't fully into the relationship and often questioned it. I guess I haven't had full closure about the relationship, and my thoughts are jumpled. Between picturing her with someone else, wondering what could have been, and envisioning her taking me back I am constantly occupied with this.

 

She comes back to the city in a few days. I'm not sure how to approach this. Should I simply continue not to contact her? I think if I did contact her I would really just be trying to win her back, almost like a challenge to myself. Also, I do want to know if she is with someone else, which I suspect. Although this individual would live out of town and I would imagine that it would be hard for her to be in a long-distance relationship after only being involved with him for a few weeks.

 

Anyways, I have babbled and babbled. Any advice would be so appreciated. I hate being a whining dumpee, which I feel like right now. But my life is out of whack because of this and if anyone has any suggestions, please let me know.

 

Thanks so much

[goddess23]

hey. the way things are now, i think you should just leave it alone. she kinda ended it and she seems to have lost interest at this point. if she wants you in her life, then she should contact you. although you can still send an email or give her a call and ask whats up. but honestly, the contacting should be in equal shares.

 

im going to babble now. im in a relationship with my first bf, im his first gf and hes a year younger. we have been dealing for almost 9 months now. at first he would always send emails and make me feel so loved, but lately i feel so unappreciated. sometimes hes so loving and other times i just dont feel it. im starting to question if hes still in love with me, and because of that my feelings are starting to get confusing. he was on vacation for almost the whole summer and now that hes back we've had some really good convos but at the same time i dont hear the "i missed you soo much, i was thinking about you. i miss you're smile" i mean...it makes me feel like im not his gf. its really tough, but its just been a couple days of this lol so im definitely going to give it time. i would LOVE to hear your opinion on it though, i mean what would you do if you really love your gf, and were on vacation for 6 weeks. wouldnt you say those things? honestly the way it ended, it seems its been going on for awhile and you should leave it alone for now. let her see how she feels without you there for a little while. but it does seem like you need closure. i know you're feeling hurt, and if you guys did talk about how she was feeling if you didnt change certain things then it was bound to happen. so now if you want to move on you need to talk to her, see if theres any chance of anything, if not you know where you stand and you can move on. my bf tells me i have nothing to worry about (when i ask him if things have changed or that because of our age i worry that he might change his mind), and that he loves me alot. but sometimes i just dont get that vibe, and it feels so insulting. maybe this is how your gf felt....and trust me, ive shed some tears already and its not that bad. so if it was happening for a year now, and you were having doubts it seems like it ended for the right reasons. either leave it alone or try talking to her. can you really be her friend now? if you can then tell her that if you cant, tell her. be honest and get your feelings off your chest, good luck. and plz do give me some of what was going through your head throughout this. i worry it might be happening to me right now.

[slushie]

Thanks for the reply goddess. I think you're right...it ended for the right reasons. I just have to deal with the rejection and the fact she is probably dating someone else. In reality, I think it's for the best we're apart now, but I would love to hear any advice dealing with rejection.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I'm not quite sure how to shed light on it. I think that at this point you have to give it more time. If he just got back, feel things out. And I would suggest not being "needy" when it comes to having him be affectionate. If you pester him or keep asking if something is wrong, it won't help. I think you give him some time for now, and see how things turn out. Bottom line, if you continue to feel unappreciated, then you have to talk with him. I wish you the best.

[RayKay]

Ah yes...there seems to be a few men on this board who felt they were "not really THAT into" their gf's, until they were gone! Some of them left them, some of them had the girl leave, but sometimes you do not know what you have until it is gone. I think my ex will join them at some point..lol. Many people seem to forget sometimes love comes through action - sometimes you have to go through the actions to have the love return/strengthen - even when you don't feel like it! Not being critical, it just seems to happen a lot

 

As you know she is coming back soon, I would sit and wait a few days and see if she contacts you. If she does, be lighthearted, let her bring up the relationship - you both already talked about what was going wrong before. If she doesn't another plan will be in order. You are going to have to show her through action you have changed. And what that plan is, depends on what you WANT.

 

As to how to deal with the rejection, right now you just need to keep busy, as cliche as it sounds. Work out, go out, have fun (or try to fake it!).

[hazlcha]

Hey slushie,

 

Your story reminds me of something that happened a couple of years back. I was going with a girl and was waffling. Sometimes I knew I wanted her, and sometimes i really had doubts. To protect her, and not get me in too deep, I kinda held back on being warm and stuff. We had a light/moderate relationship, but I was just afraid to really heat it up romantically, because i wasn't feeling sure and didn't want to mislead her.

 

After she broke up with me, I realized that I really missed her and that she was right - I was way to cool (in the temperature sense). I beat myself up about that, and when I saw her again a few months later, I really was a different man. But it was too late, she was sympathetic, but just couldn't feel for me anymore. man, that hurt.

 

So what about your story? Listen, no two situations are the same. I sensed that you are blaming yourself a bit, like I did. All I can say is, I finally did give it my all, so at least I felt that she had seen that side of me. The next time I met a girl I saw as a potential "keeper," I didn't make that mistake again. It's all about being human, being a good listener, being a good, strong, confident and caring person. Not a wimp. So wait till she gets back, and then ask her good hard questions, and really listen to what she says. She'll probably even tell you what to do to get her back, if you listen closely and ask the right questions. And don't tell her you've changed, show her in subtle, not-too-intense-or-you'll-scare-her-off ways.

 

G'luck.

[slushie]

Thanks for the reply hazlcha. Our situations sound familiar, although I myself am still not sure if I do think I want her back. She is such a great girl, but I'm not sure we're compatible in that sense. However, I do know that I am hurting right now. I can't stand the thought of her with another guy. The fact she would develop feelings for someone else eats away at me. I know I care for her, but I don't want to fall in the trap of thinking we're gonna get back together. That may never happen so I don't want to psych myself up for disapointment. However, I am curious to see how things are when she returns. Not sure how to proceed from here. I don't want to be a whiny ex-boyfriend who asks "why" and "what-if" to her constantly. I was intending to give her space to figure out where she is. However, I do want to remain in contact with her to a certain degree.

 

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH, what a grind!!!