Survey: After breakup

[yy99]

1) How long was the relationship before the breakup?

 

2) Did you ever find love again? If so, how long after the breakup?

 

3) Methods you used to heal?

 

Thanks everyone for sharing!

[Jerhico]

1. 5 years

 

2. Yes, I find love with time after breakups. I will say, however, that I have never found exactly the SAME love again. It's unique to each partner I have had. If YOU think it's true love but it's not returned, then my opinion is that it probably isn't. Love is a selfish thing, in spite of all you're willing to sacrifice for your partner. You wouldn't do it if you didn't get some form of fulfilment in return. At link removed, there is a great article on primacy and privacy being the foundation of lasting, true love. I don't believe this kind comes easily or often. I have only had this once. Hopefully, I won't have to look again.

 

3. Healing is different for everyone. The single biggest enabler to healing is time. In my mind, there are two aspects that need to be dealt with individually on a breakup. The first is the blow to your ego/pride that a) The other person wouldn't move heaven and earth to stay with you, and b) The nagging suspicion that you weren't worth holding on to. A breakup strikes the core of the dumpee's self-esteem, and only people who are very self-confident can sustain this blow with anything approaching nonchalance. The second aspect is forgiveness. Forgiving yourself for your failures in the relationship, but also forgiving your former partner. When you can truly let the anger, bitterness, resentment, and blame go, you will find in their place a collection of memories, perhaps some tinged with sadness. You will also have gained the objectivity to understand that you could not be the wonderful partner you are for your NEW love without the benefit of the experiences you learned from your failed loves.

 

As for healing, I am an advocate of the no-contact philosophy. Get involved in activities you would not normally do. When I broke up with my ex-girlfriend, she ran a triathalon (believe me, she was no athlete) and joined a softball team. These things built confidence and kept her occupied and her mind elsewhere so she could focus on life by herself instead of her life + my life as it was.

 

Treat love as an addiction...The only way to cure it is to change your playground, change your playthings, and change your playmates.

 

Not sure this is what you were looking for, but it's my $.02.

[Nifty_Swifty1]

1.) 10 Months

2.) not yet, but its only been a year

 

Jerhico. I must disagree with what you said about love. Love has to be a completely selfless act or it isn't love. Now on the other hand a relationship has to be between two selfless people to be able to work. You can love someone regardless of what they do to you or take from you, but a relationship can't survive like that.

 

3.)

I agree 100%. That's exactly what I would have said, but it was said first.

 

As for my take of healing, I think that all depends on the person and the situation. I talk to my ex whenever I can. That's just the way I am. It took me 6 months to get over the breakup, but that really isn't that long if you really look at it.

 

 

I disagree 100%. Take a look at my signature at the bottom of my post. If you ever stop loving, then that's a sign that you have yet to understand what love is because you are mistaking love for something else because love by its very nature never fails.

[Vert]

Swifty, you know who wrote Ecclesiastes, right? King Solomon had hundreds of wives and almost three times as many concubines. The man was a total wreck when it came to what love is and what true love with one woman could be. He was the wisest man that lived, but I think you'd get better relationship advice from Paul in the NT

[auburnslp]

I agree with Vert...totally...and here is the scripture quote...sorry, I am no Bible thumper at all, but this is true, and I can't find a single valid argument that holds water against it...

 

I Corinthians: 13:4-8

 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

 

I Corinthians: 13:13

 

And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.

[auburnslp]

and for the record...I agree with what Jerhico wrote...

[shes2smart]

1) How long was the relationship before the breakup?

 

Depends on which one. At my age, I'm a bit of a veteran when it comes to the relationship thing, particularly since I didn't get married until the ripe old age of 38. The significant relationships I had between the ages of 19 and 37 were like this: 7 yrs (w/5 yrs living together), 10 months, 5 yrs (w/ 1 yr living together & 3 years on & off), & 2 yrs.

 

I'm not counting guys I dated a few times and it never went anywhere, just the relationships I can look back on and say they changed me in some way or I learned something from them.

 

I'm also not counting my marriage as there's no break-up here

 

2) Did you ever find love again? If so, how long after the breakup?

 

With the above history, the answer is obviously "yes." Time frame varied anywhere from 2 years to 3 months. While there was an element of chance involved encountering the next person, much of the groundwork in meeting someone new was in my own hands -- i.e. not being bitter about the break-up, being open to the idea of getting involved with someone new, not seeking out the same type of person I had just broken up with, etc.

 

3) Methods you used to heal?

 

1. Writing in my journal

 

2. Doing stuff I like to do that the "ex" didn't care for. One example: I'm very into race horses, but they take a lot of time. When I was single, I could go to every race the horse(s) I owned were in, I could paddock them (take care of them before/after the race), and hang around the track with my horses' trainer & other racing friends for as long as I wanted. If I was dating someone who didn't care for that, I would end up being a hands-off owner and let my trainer take care of everything. Fortunately, I have a good relationship with my trainer and he's very flexible on my level of involvement. One of the reasons I married my husband was that he embraced this world as if it was his own, even though he'd never been within 10 feet of a horse before he met me. As a bonus, he'll also go riding with me when we have time & opportunity to do so.

 

3. Reading a lot of self-help books and books about relationships. Favorite authors: Peter McWilliams ("Love 101: To Love Oneself Is The Beginning Of A Lifelong Romance" should be REQUIRED reading for anyone who even thinks about getting into a relationship) Louise Hay, Susan Forward, Les Brown, Wayne Dyer.....and a bunch of others. The library is always great if you're short on cash.

 

4. Immediately after a break-up, I would come up with a personal "letting go" ritual. The specifics would vary with each break-up, but some set of things would always feel right. Some of the things I've done: write long letters detailing what had gone on, go out to some secluded spot in nature, read them aloud to the trees & rocks, scream & cry, then burn the pages and let the ashes blow away, Taken a token item the ex had given me - a ring or other trinket - go to a secluded spot outside (preferably near running water) - visualize all the negativity pouring out of my hand and into the trinket, then HURLING it into the running water whilst screaming at the top of my lungs. On the day I would do the ritual, I would fast...and after it was done and I had pulled myself together, I would shower, dress up, and treat myself to a nice dinner out - alone.

 

5. Go to a Licensed Massage Therapist every other week. LMT's work magic on a stressed-out body.

 

6. I first got into doing Yoga after a break-up. It cleared my mind. I suppose any sort of exercise program would provide similar benefits.

 

7. If there's a local school system that offers adult ed classes in the evenings, check into those. They are generally inexpensive and range from a couple hours one evening to once a night for 4 to 6 weeks. I took several of them on topics as varied as finanical planning for women, basic auto repair, equine massage and buying real estate. It gave me something to do, provided me some useful knowledge, met new people, and took my mind off the break-up all in one fell swoop.

 

~s2s

[Pebek]

1) 4 1/2 years

2) It's still too early.

3) It's been over 5 months of 100% NC since the breakup but I haven't healed completely yet.

 

I have absolutely no idea when I will be ready to see other women as potential 'partner material'.

 

Pete