Need input on situation. Thanks

[dramagirl2]

My child's father and I went together for about 1 yr. We split up but as years went on, we messed around on and off for about 10 yrs. I got pregnant with my child, not knowing he had another girl pregnant at the same time I was. He denied my child and had nothing to do with the child, until I decided to get child support from him. Then the father wanted a DNA test, which proved he was the father. He also got a DNA test with the other child, which both girls (the children) are 2 weeks apart in age.

 

As years went on, the father had me to believe that the other mother didn't want him to have anything to do with my child. Then, one day the truth came out about who didn't want my daughter around him, and it was the father, not the other girl. SO, the other girl and I decided to take it upon ourselves to let the girls spend time with each other since the father didn't want this to happen, after all they are half-sisters.

 

Now the other girl and I are really good friends, and the grandmother on his side was close to my daughter until the grandmother found out that the other mother of the other child were friends, now the grandmother has nothing to do with my daughter, nor does she spend time with the other child.

 

Now the father is now asking for visitation for the other child, but not mine. The other child's mom doesn't want him to see the child, so is refusing to let him see her.

 

Now, the father has a new girlfriend and thinks the girls should be kept apart during visitations, instead of together like we had in the past. I feel the girlfriend should not be able to tell him that, as she doesn't know what the other mom and I have done and gone through to keep the girls together as sisters as much as possible. We feel that since the father only wants to come around when it suits him, that the girls honestly don't care to see him. The girls are 6 yrs old and enjoy spending time together. My daughter sees the favoritism that he has with the other girl over her, and I brought it to his attention but denies he does that. Says he loves them the same.

 

We don't want him to keep coming in and out of their lives when it suits him, what should we do to prevent him messing up their lives by all the inconsistent behavior and denials.

 

Are we as the mothers of the girls, doing the right thing by wanting to keep them together on visits, or ???? Any input on this would be great.

 

thanks.

[TrueHeart]

Well, personally.. I applaud you for attempting to keep a relationship with the other woman's daughter-- thats good therapy for your daughter to know that she has a playmate and someone to grow up with. Personally, I really think the father is a deadbeat-- but that my opinion. His half-involvement in either of the girls' lives is completely unhealthy. Even though he 'favoritizes' one over the other-- I truly believe that his involvement at all in their lives will only lead them to resent him in the end--

 

Your daughter is old enough to know who he is, and if she feels (at 6 years old) that her father doesn't love her like her half-sister-- again, will do some permanent damage to her psycologically. Perhaps a heart-to-heart talk to your daughter about why Daddy doesn't come around would help her understand that its not her fault. I know she's young, but they're very impressionable at that age.

 

I wish you the best... but you both (the other mother and you) being involved in your daughter's lives the way you are is 100% healthy-- what a great relationship bond you've created... and SHAME on him for being so selfish, SHAME on his GF for sticking her nose in something that's NOT her business, and SHAME on the grandmother for not demonstating the true meaning of unconditional love... You're both doing a great job as being supportive, loving mothers.. You can do it on your own...

[dramagirl2]

thanks for the good advice

 

the girls has already decide that if the other one don't go than neither will go and yes he is a deadbeat dad actually he's a holiday day dad.

[AzurePhoenix]

The only thing I can add to TrueHearts reply is "!".

 

Good reply..

 

It is very hard to raise kids in this age of serial monogamy we in our society seem to embrace. Kids have half brothers and sisters who never meet and it will leave unanswered questions and cuase some real issues in their future.

 

In this case there is a real issue.. TrueHeart only glanced on it in her reply.. your girls (both your daughter and her half sister) will naturally form relationships with men based upon the model of the relationship they have with their father. They may look for accpeptance and love from men in unhealthy ways to fill that gap in their upbrining that their father failed to provide.

 

The measure of a man is how well he executes his responsibilities.

 

~AzurePhoenix

[TrueHeart]

Absolutely, Phoenix-- You hit it right on the head! Thats the psycological damage that they will model that after... Even you being her mother you will teach your daughter subconsciously that its ok to have the father of your children abandon you-- and treat with no respect.. Thats great that the girls stand up for one another--- that is the most powerful force there is, is a sister's bond.... I know, I'm an idential twin... so I can definitely attest to that...