Ok ladies. Here’s a question.

[Nifty_Swifty1]

Ok ladies. Here's a question. For those of you how have dated the shy guys, how did he eventually catch you so to speak. Shy guys don't have the courage to make a bold move, so what was the more subtle thing that caught your attention?

[kauaiangirl83]

the fact that my shy guy was mysterious really reeled me in.

[PAdreamer]

I agree... the mystery and the challenge of getting to know him was a big plus. But his sweetness was helpful too. He didn't need to talk or make a move all the time, because he was sweet and caring and I saw that in him.

[Kittengirl]

My Fiance turned up everywhere I went, he never spoke but I would catch him looking at me, at first I thought he was strange but I was very curious and gave him the benefit of the doubt. He turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. There is a lot to be said for shy, sensitive guys!

[Roasted Carrots]

It helps if the "shy guy" throws a few smiles in my direction, but the truth is I'm usually the one who initiates a conversation. What keeps me intersted is humor and a willingness to open up once the ice has been broken.

[AwsomeDude]

so there we go with another Question !!

why dont u treat shy guys in a better way ?

i mean once a shy guy comes to speak to and u see him sweating and nerv, why dont u make it easier on him ?

why u just dump him in sconds ?

[PAdreamer]

HEY! LOL! I do NOT do that! Again with the generalizations! LOL! Look, some women do that, it's true. But even in every other part of my life, I'm a big advocate for the underdog. In high school I made a point of taking in the younger kids or the misfits and giving them a place to feel safe. And I do that in relationships too! I always give him the benefit of the doubt until he proves that I shouldn't.

[Scout]

I've never been attracted to really shy guys. I'm sorry, but if they can't even hold a conversation, then how am I supposed to pick up on the fact that he's got really great inner qualities?

 

Now, I've been around guys that were slightly nervous, and I thought it was actually cute...and of course, I would make the effort to talk a bit with them. If they could open up, or at least seem like they were really paying attention and making solid eye-contact, than I would continue the conversation to learn more about them and put them at ease.

 

But someone that can't talk at all, or offer anything to the conversation...well, I'm sorry, but that's a problem they need to work on. Social skills aren't learned overnight, but with practice, anyone can master the art of conversation.

[Nifty_Swifty1]

Now that puts some people in a bit of a bind scout. If you don't have the social skils to even keep up in a conversation then people won't talk to you, if people won't talk to you then you never get that practice. If you never get the practice then you never develop those social skils.

 

I was in the boat a number of years ago until finally someone noticed and spent a week draging me around makeing her friends talk to me.

 

Now that is nowhere near common place, so what are your sudjestions for those guys that can't keep up in a conversation?

[OceanEyes]

Well, it's not really my responsibility to help other people develop social skills. I'll try, but I can't be held responsible if someone really can't come out of their shell. You really can't help everyone.

 

I've never dated a shy guy. This is not to say that I wouldn't, or that I have anything against them, but I've always tended to be more attracted to men who are more outgoing. I like more outgoing men because it's more how I am in social settings. I just don't want to feel like I have to keep someone entertained, or that I always have to be the one to force conversation, as Scout says. It seems like shy guys get angry with extroverted women for not paying more attention to them. This is unfair, since if you know that you're shy and introverted, it should be you who changes this, not us! We appreciate someone who can hold their own in a conversation, someone who doesn't need constant 'guidence'.

 

It may sound selfish or cold, but if you yourself are aware that you're shy and lacking social skills, that should be the first step in changing it. You can't get mad at women who prefer a guy who is outgoing because you are shy. It's shy men who generally take an interest in women who are not shy, so perhaps it's better to focus your attraction in a direction that would receive you better.

[Scout]

Come on guys, you have to see the plain common sense in what Ocean Eyes is saying here. Basically, we all have shortcomings that it's OUR OWN responsibility to fix or at least make an honest effort at working on.

 

Nifty, to answer your question...how does a shy person better their social and conversational skills? Well, nothing is an overnight process, so I don't have that one magical answer. I do have some suggestions:

 

1) Continue to post on eNotalone and be open-minded to viewpoints that make you challenge yourself - i.e., my/Ocean's posts where we suggest, look, it's not our responsibility to draw you out of your shell! Visit the Conversational Tips forum.

 

2) Check out books from the library on how to develop social skills. Read the highly recommended book "How to win friends and influence people". I haven't actually read it, but so many people have told me it's got a goldmine of information on how to really interact with people on a positive level.

 

3) Make a point of exchanging a few pleasantries with people that are providing you with customer service in some way - a gas station attendent, a store cashier, a waitress, a grocery clerk. This is a daily exercise practice that can help get you used to "chatting" with people more.

 

4) Get to know yourself better, what your own interests are. Join a group that caters to those interests, and you'll already have something in common with the folks there.

 

5) Talk to members in your family more! Do you usually just head straight to your room without asking your parents or siblings what their day was like? Stop doing that! Again, interaction with your family is just as important as outside interaction with others.

 

6) Give yourself daily assignments - for example, "today I will look at least three people in the eyes and smile directly at them as I pass them".

 

Those are some suggestions. But remember: it is YOUR responsibility to break out of your shell. I commend anyone who wants to do this.

[Nifty_Swifty1]

Well oceanEyes, it sounds like you may be a little hostile toward the shy people of the world.

 

You do hear a lot of complaining from the shy guys, but it's not that they in any way expect you to "fix" there problem. They just expect not to catch crap for trying. It's somewhat of a vicious circle because they do realize that they are introverted and do try to do something about it, but there only reward for there effort is to be rejected and ridiculed for there social ineptitude, which makes them even more self-conscious and is quite counterproductive.

 

When those are you experiences it's all but natural to become a bit hostile toward those who have treated you the worst, and that is many times generalized to all women.

 

I'm not saying that it is your responsibility to help people develop there social skills, but I would suggest that you take a closer look at your actions and do your best to keep from making there situation worse.

 

I do find it my responsibility to help those who are lacking in social skills since I have been there. That's kind of why I asked this question. I was forced out of my situation by some quite unique means. I'm trying to get the perspective from the women so I can be a better help for the people around me.

[Scout]

I don't think Ocean sounded hostile at all. I think she gave some direct feedback that it's important for shy people to think about. Nifty, in your latest post you are now qualifying your original questions by saying shy people do try to do something about their dilemma. Maybe some do, but not all.

 

My position is in line with Ocean's, because I don't think it's one person's responsibility to do all the work involved in finding out if the other person has great qualities/a wonderful personality.

 

I gave several suggestions in my previous post on how to slowly overcome shyness - did you read them?? What are your thoughts???

[OceanEyes]

I'm not hostile at all when it comes to shy people in general, not just men either. I will treat everyone with respect until they provoke otherwise.

 

What I am saying, is that you can't hold it against a woman who isn't interested in you because you're shy. You can't force a woman to be attracted to you, or expect her to pay you 'special attention' just because you're shy. If she singles you out or mistreats you in some way, then yes, I can see your frustration, but otherwise, it makes no sense that any man would hold it against a woman because she isn't all over him.

 

I've had male friends who are extremely shy, and even set a couple of them up with my girlfriends. One couple I set up has been together since high school - almost 7 years. I hooked them up because I knew that he was totally in love with her from the start, and not because he was shy, but because I knew what a fantastic guy he was and I wanted to see them both happy. So hostile? No way. I'm realistic. I'll help out my male friends with their being too shy to talk to women, but when it comes to looking for a man for myself, I tend to choose differently. I am most attracted to men who are direct, confident, and interesting.

 

Being shy is simply a hurdle to get over, and believe me, we've all had them and will continue to. The problem with being shy is that it tends to waste time that you could be spending getting to know someone. And sometimes first impressions last a long time with certain people. If you can get past being worried about what people think about you when you first meet them, and letting it control your behaviour, then I think you'll find a lot more opportunities. Not just in love, but in life in general. And, it's something only you can change mentally within yourself. People can help, but ultimately, you have to be the one who puts your behaviour and confidence into practice.

[Nifty_Swifty1]

I was posting my last post while you were posting yours, so I didn't have a chance to read it before.

 

I guess hostile was the wrong choice of words. Disenchanted I guess was more of what I was looking to say.

 

I agree that it isn't someone else's job to find the qualities in some. Maybe it's just that I've been in small town America, but that's a degree of apathy that I don't encounter very often. An apathetic mindset around here is to put up a façade of caring only when that person is around.

 

To say that helping someone isn't your responsibility around here would almost be comparable with calling genocide population control. It's a bit of an exaggeration, but turning your back on someone is frowned upon. I guess I knew that larger populations are more apathetic, but I guess I just never rally realized the real implications of that

[Nifty_Swifty1]

I've never met anyone that could be called shy that expected others to be all over them. It's simply that there frustration with there situation has biased there views. Everyone shy or not does the some thing. Everyone has a group of people that they discriminate agents because of there experience with just a few.

 

…I guess that I've been talking more of the social anxiety disorder than just being shy. It's a little more than a simple hurtle for some people.

 

What the hell, I've been dancing around this trying to not give out names, but no one around here knows who I am or who I'm talking about. I have a friend that hasn't talked to anyone outside of his family and me for 6 years. I only saw him once or twice a year so I didn't have any idea of what was going on until I talked to his sister about 6 months ago. I've got him talking to a group of my close friends, but outside of that his ineptitude in a social environment everyone else I try and get him to talk to forget that he's there. Not to mention that he's fidgeting like he's having a securer or something. Now me, being a guy, can't do for him what Misty did for me because of some obvious motivational issues. I can't get a hold of Misty to ask her what caused her to torture me the way she did, so I was hoping to come here and be able to find a "hook" that may be able to let me use what he already has to give him a little positive motivation like I had. Until now all his experiences have told him that people outside of these two small groups aren't worth the effort and reticule.

 

I kind of got off of my target in trying to explain some of the mannerisms, but people in such situations are very seldom understood.

 

Well, I hope saying that doesn't get me in trouble in the long run.

 

I guess this hasn't gotten me much of anywhere, but it was worth a try.