Have had minimal/no contact - What now?

[herewegoagain]

As some of you know, my gf broke up with me about 5 weeks ago, and we've had basically no contact.

 

I sent her a letter a few days ago (on a different post) to tell her all that i feel one last time. I was honest with her about some things I didn't like, but the letter was mostly about how I've learned things, etc. and wished her the best with her new boyfriend, and that i still care for her, etc.

 

Before this, I only emailed her a couple of times a few days after the breakup telling her how much i love her, etc.

 

Thus, now that i have sent the letter, is there any other strategy besides NC? I am starting no contact now and forever, but was wondering if and when someday I should initiate contact. Anyone have any input?

[rich46]

Thus, now that i have sent the letter, is there any other strategy besides NC? I am starting no contact now and forever, but was wondering if and when someday I should initiate contact. Anyone have any input?

Why are you worrying your head about this right now??? Yes maybe one day you will have moved on and you'll be able to contact her as friends or whatever. But as you are only just starting NC, then try your hardest to forget about her. If you are constantly worrying about when to initiate contact, then this NC time is pretty much pointless. The idea is that you are moving forward IN YOUR OWN LIFE, and not wasting your time trying to get back with someone who is with another guy.

[herewegoagain]

Rich - right you are. It's so hard to move on, but i know i have to force myself to do NC for as long as possible. then maybe after a few months or longer, i will not even care about her - hope so. Thanks

[anon728]

I tend to agree with a lot of rich46's advice, and his post is no difference. While I know it is hard to not have a goal, I would think of it in months, not weeks but with no strict timeline. You and I are in the same situation, where our ex left us for someone else. She made her statement on the relationship, now focus on you.

[rich46]

Rich - right you are. It's so hard to move on, but i know i have to force myself to do NC for as long as possible. then maybe after a few months or longer, i will not even care about her - hope so. Thanks

It is incredibly hard to move on! But we don't have any choice. It's only in the last couple of weeks that I've managed to pull myself together, and now I'm doing new things and applying for new jobs etc. I think about my ex a lot, but I don't think it is all the time like it was about a month ago. I have other things to occupy myself with. I still have the odd, unexplainable breakdown - like last night for example. But overall things are getting a little better and they will do for you too. It's just a case of being really strong and moving forward - it's certainly one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. But this website has helped me so much, and so I like giving advice to people in similar positions. It kind of drills it home to me too what must be done.

[herewegoagain]

anon- Like you said, you are in the same boat as me. My ex doesn't contact me at all. Does your ex contact you at all? How long has been your NC with her?

You may have aready told us, but i don't remember.

[anon728]

herewegoagain, it has been 2.5 months since the breakup, 8 weeks I initiated NC, she has sent me a handful of light emails, to which I sent light responses, but no back-and-forth communication, and 3 weeks since the last time she sent me an email.

 

The issue is, herewegoagain, is that the fact that I know those numbers means I am not moving on. To move on would be to say, 'hey, I need to sit down and think about that.'

 

I would not try to put together a calculation as to how many weeks it 'should' take for her to contact you. I focused a lot of energy on comparing my situation to other's at first. Forget about it and move on (and like rich46 said, a lot of what is written here is for the poster to drill it into their own head). You will only be beating yourself up trying to compare your stats to someone else's. Besides, if someone came on here and said '90% of relationships get back together between month 5-6' then you would wait around until you got to the end of month 6, and then start wondering what 'strategy' step you missed for not getting her back by the 'normal' time.

 

Right now, the only strategy you should be trying is 'Getting Yourself Back.' She knows where you are at, she knows your feelings, if she wants to try again, she will send you a small hint, but you will be in much better shape if you have focused your efforts on you instead of waiting for her. She left you…let her work to get you back. And again, since both of our exes are with someone else now, the best thing you could do is be out of sight; the honeymoon period could last months.

[anon728]

herewegoagain, my opinion is, you have to start thinking that you will not get back together with her. I know it is hard, and I am not going to say that I can do that 100% of the time. But when you start looking at life that way, it opens up a lot more doors. The last thing you would want is to not do something b/c your ex may not like it, or something like that, only to come the realization way down the road that it is over, and you blew a chance with someone else. Think of it this way, is your ex wondering right now, 'hey, I wonder what herewegoagain would think now that I am dating someone else.'

 

I don't mean to be harsh, and other's may say you shouldn't give up hope, but I just can't see how anyone can move on if they are waiting for something that might not happen, to happen.

 

Trust me, it is hard, but you will look back at this as a great learning experience, and if she does come back, you will be much more confident in the new relationship than you would be if you sat around and waited.

[herewegoagain]

anon - excellent comments. I do have to assume it is over for sure, but like you know, it is hard. At least she sends you emails, though. That shows that she is still thinking about you.

 

My ex will never send me an email - even just to say "hey"

 

That's how messed up i am - it would make my freakin day if my ex emailed me and said Hi, or anything.

[rich46]

anon728 - brilliant advice, couldn't have summed it up better myself!

 

herewegoagain - I'm not sure which is better, having your ex send you these light emails, or not contacting you at all. At least in your situation you should be able to move on quicker as you aren't having the setbacks of emails etc. If your ex contacted you to say Hi, it would probably make your day, but the following day you would have been set back a little.

 

All the right advice is here for you. Print it out and keep reading it!!!

 

Good luck,

 

Rich