Feeling low, could use some support today

[starrysky]

Please read my original thread for full story

 

Ok so its been just over a month now since the breakup, and I've had NC for 3 weeks. I am proud of myself for not contacting him, but at the same time hurt and confused as to why he has not contacted me. I know that doesn't make sense, because we are not together so he has no obligation to contact me at all. But I don't understand how you can go from texting me all day every day to nothing at all. He knows how hurt I am, but then again not hearing anything is probably the best thing. I am not sure how I would cope if he did contact me or what I would do.

 

Anyway, I could just really use some encouragement and support today. I have come on here after crying into my pillow for a while. I know its still early days, but I don't think I will ever be free of this pain or ever stop loving him. I really do love him, but at the same time feel unbelievable hate for him...is this normal? My emotions are switching between the two constantly and its driving me crazy. The reason I don't believe I will ever feel ok is because after every ended realtionship I jumped into another and never gave myself a chance to experience the grief i guess. I am making myself stay single this time but the emptiness and the pain is overbearing at times and i still feel suicidal though i don't think i would act on it. I feel really, really alone. I have tried to keep up my interests and hobbies, but all i want to do is share those with him again. I don't understand to make myself happy on my own when the 'aloneness' is overwhelming.

 

Please tell me the suffering will end??

[mhowe]

It will end -- but no one can tell you when. But feeling better is right around the corner -- the hard part is pretty much over. To be sure, you will cycle thru some tough moments again, but the duration will be shorter. And yes, it's okay to feel the hate --- it's part of the anger, part of the process. And, on day soon, you will just accept it and move on. Keep up with the hobbies and other interests --- try to limit thinking about the past to 30 min every day.

 

I found that if I just got out and did something, even a simple errand, to break my thought process -- it helped to clear my mind. Good luck--- -you'll make it.

[starrysky]

Thanks mhowe- I can see that some times I am more able to cope than others. But the reality of whats happened- its like a constant background noise if that makes any sense. If I have any small moment of pleasure at all, it is quickly intercepted with the stark stabbing pain of what's happened-I didn't constantly remind myself of it. And the pain is nauseating

 

Thank you for your words of encouragement.

[lovelifexoxo]

Hang in there! You in I are in the very same boat right now. I've never felt this great of a loss because, I've always had someone there within a short period of time. Even though I think it would be easy to go out and find someone new, It just wouldn't feel right this time. We have to embrace this pain because, it will make us stronger in the end. I may not fully believe, I will ever feel better again. But, I will have to because, my life is just not going to end because of this relationship and I have to pull thorough,

[Acrylamide]

It's been two months for me and I find it pretty hard to get her out of my mind, even when I'm occupying myself. I went to the bars yesterday and my friends wanted to go clubbing. I then remembered how I went clubbing over the summer when she was back at home and all I did was sit there texting her. I quickly declined the offer and went home, while they had their fun.

 

I would never do anything to lose her trust and I was willing to do anything for her. Now she's gone and has clearly moved on. 5 weeks of NC and I'm sitting here wondering the same thing as you and waking up to the piercing pain and memory of what used to be.

[NoDice]

Starrysky I kind of feel I am giving you my two cents of advice support knowing right now I don't totally take them.

But it does get better, my whole situtation with being dumped twice in a -3 month period (latest 10 days ago) by the same gal has left me devasted right now. I seem to feel awful when I hole myself up at home even if I am on here, reading, playing music anything, it is because I am alone and right now I am not comfortable with that. I can honestly say though its good he hasn't contacted you as much as you want/need him to, when my ex contacted me a few times during NC and I didn't break, I was upset and confused, and when that oh so magically "I want you back text came" I ran with it, only to see that my progress in being happy alone and over this person so if they did call to make up I would be stronger, demolished. Even though I did evrything in my power to make the relationship work, in the end the errors on her part had not changed, only making me feel not in control and confused. I read a lot outside my house, even if its at a park, a pub, a coffee shop, just so there are other people around. I cry nearly every day pining over her and us, relationship, memories..

 

Be strong, you are loved..if you need to vent, someone to talk to, or anything I am here for you.

 

A qoute that makes me feel better....

 

Somewhere someone is thinking of you. Someone is calling you an angel. This person is using celestial colors to paint your image. Someone is making you into a vision so beautiful that it can only live in the mind. Someone is thinking of the way your breath escapes your lips when you are touched. How your eyes close and your jaw tightens with concentration as you give pleasure a home. These thoughts are saving a life somewhere right now. In some airless apartment on a dark, urine stained, filth lined street, someone is calling out to you silently and you are answering without even being there. So crystalline. So pure. Such life saving power when you smile. You will never know how you have cauterized my wounds. So sad that we will never touch. How it hurts me to know that I will never be able to give you everything I have.

[symbiot]

Get out of the house as much as you can. It helped me a lot. I didnt know what else to do but try to suck up some other peopls energy.

[starrysky]

Thank you guys for the responses.

 

lovelife- I know what you mean, and i am sorry about your situation. As much as I want someone to fill the gaping hole inside of me, I am not prepared to enter another relationship for quite some time. Being in a relationship is both wonderful and exhausting, and as much as i am in pain, I know I need this time to figure myself out. I could not handle another failed relationship.

 

Acrylamide - I am sorry you are in so much pain, I feel exactly the same. I don't want to go out with friends because it just reminds me of how much I would rather be with him. During the realtionship I would have no problem seeing my friends, because I always knew I was 'coming home to him' (even when we didn't live together). It was so comforting to know that he was always in the background if you like, a constant source of comfort. And now i come home to emptiness and my bed and the tears just seem to flow. I feel utterly alone.

 

Nodice- I am really sorry to hear that happened to you, it must be devasting to have another chance only for it to fall apart again. I am trying to think that it is good that he hasn't contacted me, as I say, I'm not sure how it would make me feel. It could possibly make me feel ten times worse. But I feel I am waiting around for that magic text, even though its not the right thing to do. I know its early days but I don't know how to move on when I have such strong feelings of love for someone. This is just the suckiest thing in the whole world and i find myself getting angry that this happened to me. Useless I know. Thank you for the advice, though like you said its really hard to believe right now. Please PM if you want, its good to know we're not alone

 

Symbiot - I have been getting out almost everyday, even if its for something silly like picking up some groceries. There is a slight numbing effect in that my brain is distracted, but then on the way home i think about the emptiness that and aloneness i come home to and it doesn't seem to get less devastating.