she asked to be left alone for a while...

[paulo ribeiro]

hello,

 

first of all i must say that this forum is really great and i just wish i had found it earlier... it helps a lot to know that there are so many other people out there in similar situations as i am.

 

i'm posting because i need the opinion or advice of other people... you see, my first and only girlfriend has asked for some time alone a month ago... and since i never had any other girlfriend i'm a bit lost and i don't know what to do or what to expect...

 

i'm 23 and she's 24. we've been together for 4 years and 5 months and we went through a lot of things together... well, she finished college last year but i still have one more year to go. so last year we would only see each other on weekends, and most of the times only for a couple of hours...

 

then came the summer vacations and we spent some days together just before she went to spend 2 weeks at the beach with her family.

 

i awaited patiently for her return, so that we could finally enjoy the summer vacations together during this month of august...

 

she finally came back and even made me a surprise by coming back one day earlier without warning me! she seemed as eager to spend some time with me as i was...

 

but everything went wrong! i don't understand why but while we were together she would do little more than to complain about everything about me or whatever i did... her behaviour was really ruthless and uncalled for!

 

on the third day we were together i couldn't stand being treated that way any longer so i drove her home and left her there...

 

then, for 2 days we didn't say a word to each other... i eventually sent her an sms asking her if it was any worth being that way... she replied saying that she was sorry to have been in my way as i deserved someone much better than her and that she decided she wanted to have some time alone so that she would miss me and appreciate me again as she used to. she also said that she didn't want to break up with me and that she believed that by having this time alone would make us happier when we would reunite.

 

so i told her that i loved her and that was ok with me...

 

...but i didn't expect that she would want to spend so much time alone. the summer vacations is really the only time of the year when we could spend some time together and i eagerly waited for them to arrive all year long so that i could be with her... and here i am, still waiting for her to ask me to be together with her...

 

in the beginning she was nice and even sent me an sms every once in a while just to let me know what she was doing or whatever... but now all that is over... she spends days without letting me have any news about her...

 

i'm just so afraid that she'll realize that she's better off without me and will never return... i love her very much and we went through many good times together... and i used to help her in every way that i could! besides being a couple we were also very good friends... in all these years she's been the only person who could always understand me and cheer me up when i was having some harder times...

 

well, almost a month has passed and my college classes start in two weeks... i've been suffering a lot because without her my hollidays are plain empty and most of the times i have nothing better to do than to saty at home in front ot the computer...

 

thankfully i found this forum and would be glad to hear the opinions from someone who has been through something resembling my situation... how much longer will she want to be alone? hasn't all the past year of only getting to see me on the weekends been enough?

 

if you want me to explain something in more detail just ask, i didn't want to write a very long post... if you made it all the way down to here i must thank you for reading!

[RayKay]

Well paulo, I am very sorry to hear you are going through this, that is a long length of time to be with someone.

 

The best thing for you to do is to give her what she asked for - space. Trust me I know it sucks, I am going through something very similar. But otherwise you might just push her away.

 

You can't read your ex's mind, so just work on improving your own - work out, take some new classes, etc! You sound a very mature guy, and this woman would be very lucky to have you - and if she does not realize that, it is her loss. In the end you will be with someone worthy of your love - be it her or another.

 

I know you are afraid of what might happen with her & what she might decide. But have faith in yourself, and your love bond with her, and that you will be okay. We don't know what our exes are thinking (I just prefer to think mine has gone mental!) so don't wear yourself out trying

 

Best of luck!

[paulo ribeiro]

thank you for your kind words!

 

since it's the first time i am in this kind of situation i feel a bit lost and i'm not certain how i should react. what saddens me the most is the fact that i cannot do anything to convince her to come back... i'll just have to be very patient and wait!

 

i hope everything turns out alright for you!

[RayKay]

Something MY ex told me when we broke up, and that I am trying to hold too, regardless of whether he does or not:

 

Close the door, but don't lock it

 

Meaning, let yourself move on, but don't be closed off to future opportunities with them either, don't hate them for needing to do this or go through this - whatever happens in the end ultimately. They cannot help their feelings, just as we can't help ours. The difference is you and I can choose to be in control of our actions

 

It is okay to grieve, and yell and whatever else you need to do, just do it on your own, don't let her know. Be strong, patient, and have faith.

[aireyc]

I agree. Wanting space isn't a big deal. Yeah it's a pain that you can't see her and such, but that space will often help your relationship in the long run. Especially due to the fact she is planning for when you "reunite", I wouldn't really worry. As far as being better off without you, most of the population wants a lifelong partner so it's not like she's going to want to be independent. When she wants her partner back, she'll surely come to you. You sound like a great guy and I'm sure you'd be most girls' dream date. Just keep your head up and plan for when you're going to get back together.

 

Chris

[wanderer]

hey man, i'm in pretty much the exact same situation you're in, with a few differences. one, i'm 17 and she's 16, so we're still in high school. two, she just dumped me yesterday, so i'm still ocnfused and sad as anything right now. that said, as one who's going through the same uncertainty as you are, i can really sympathize. like you, this girl is my first girlfriend, and like you, she said she needs time away. unfortunetly, when i asked how much time, she said "i don't know" and she never said for certain that we would get back together.

 

i'm not an expert at this kind of stuff, but i wanted to reply because we're basically going through the same difficult time... and all i can say is good luck! we're nice guys and all we can do now is make ourselves stronger and even more attractive to the girls who are currently away from us. i'm here for you, i want to know how this works out.

[paulo ribeiro]

two, she just dumped me yesterday, so i'm still ocnfused and sad as anything right now.

 

i'm sad to hear what happened to you...

 

in my opinion, if one needs some "time away" from his boy/girlfriend it can't be a good sign... at least i can't understand how i could ever need to walk away from my girlfriend unless i stopped loving her or something awful like that...

 

when i asked my girlfriend how long did she think she needed away from me she also replyed that she didn't know.

 

after 3 weeks apart i asked if she would meet me so that we could talk about all this but she refused and even said that there was nothing to talk about!

 

i'm now trying to test her: i turned off my cell phone this afternoon and i'll try to keep it off for as long as i can and wait to see if she phones to my home phone or even my mother trying to know if i'm alright...

 

anyways, i'm really sad about all this and i don't think i deserve to be treated this way! she totally ruined my whole summer vacations, which i eagerly awaited for all year! if she doesn't tell me anything until the end of the vacations (which will be in two weeks) i may tell her to find her happiness someplace else!

 

does anyone think i'm being too negative about all this?

 

wanderer, thank you for your input and i hope that you get past this situation quickly! love must be the most beautiful thing in the world but sometimes it just plainly sucks.

[jackflash]

I dont think you are being too sensitive. You obviously are totally smitten by her, but I agree with the rest of the forum. Give her the space she wants. You will be much more desiable to her if you are strong, confident and dont look dependant on her. Go out with your friends and have fun, however difficult. Just dont end up looking liek a jerk.

 

Also been through this "I need space" story. They never seem to be able to put a time on it. Always expect you to wait ndefinitely. Time for you to decide will be when you are done waiting and need to move on. Take the time to get to know yourself better.

[paulo ribeiro]

thank you... it's tough at times but i've been following your advice!

[paulo ribeiro]

almost 6 weeks have passed and she's still not showing signs of wanting me back... on the contrary, she has told me that she's feeling well the way she is (without "pressures", she says)...

 

i'm slowly running out of hope. how do you forget someone who meant the world to you for 5 years?!...

 

love may be the most beautiful feeling in the world but it hurts like hell.

[slamere]

I've very sorry to hear about your situation. I am going through the same thing. Although not nearly 5 years, my girlfriend and I have been dating for almost a full year. She has a two year old daughter whom I love very much as well, and I'm sure she loves me. Over the past couple weeks, my girlfriend has become more and more distant. Sex has gotten worse, her attitude towards me did a 180, and she never called anymore or take my calls as frequently as she used to. Last week she told me that she was not happy with her life and not happy with our relationship. She said that she needed alone time, but couldnt give me a time-frame. I'm going through a very difficult time as well, since we had plans to marry and become a family. She said that she is going to see a counselor about how she feels, but I'm afraid I may lose her forever. I havent called her, and I only sent her one email. She did respond to my email, and we've been talking sparatically via email. Shd hasnt mentioned that she misses me or loves me, and made and excuse when I asked her to give me a call. I'm depressed and confused and my friends and family are getting sick of hearing about this. Then I found this forum! Hopefully with the advice we receive we can come out stronger either alone or in our relationships. You're not alone!