Questioning my actions?

[inneedofhelp]

I was in a two year committed relationship, but a long distance one. We were planning on gettting married. This is were the story goes crazy. I had a bachelor party and ended up have sex with another person. I cannot even remember her name or face. I was in a crisis and afraid I would lose her. Anyway, I did come clean with my fiance. She took me back and the marriage is still on. So, you would think that I should be overjoyed. Nevertheless, what I did has sent me into a crisis into examining my actions. I love her but why would I do such a thing. I don't want to end this thing but am suffering from low self-esteem and questions about the relationship. She accepted my actions and is ready to move on, I'm still grieving. What does that mean?

[RayKay]

First of, you are very very lucky to have a woman who is willing to work through it.

 

Secondly, the fact that you feel this way is likely very normal! And it also shows you do know what you did was wrong.

 

I would suggest you maybe go to individual as well as couples counselling. I am sure you are probably questioning your ability to be committed, if you really love her, are ready. A counsellor will be able to help you work through your issues, and hopefully get her involved as well. Don't let these things fester, lest you feel the need to run away at some point when they get too great.

 

Best of luck to you.

[dpressedone89]

your feelings are normal its a good thing it means you really are sorry and know what you did was wrong, it was at a bachelor party so chances are alchohol was involved if so that could be why you did it

[dotneter]

inneedofhelp, I don't want to serve you more what-if's when you already have a full plate, but could it be that you're afraid of commitment? (Well duh, you're a guy so you must be afraid a little), but subconsciously do you think it's possible you were trying to sabotage your relationship? Think about it, if you really wanted to, that would be an easy way to end things. You're the bad guy but you don't have to say anything other than you're sorry, and she is the one that leaves you...

 

Of course, it's also just a possibility that you were just really really drunk and took whatever came your way!

 

In either case, the fact that you're grieving about it shows that you're not a complete scumbag (you're still a scumbag for doing it, sorry

 

I echo RayKay:

you are very very lucky to have a woman who is willing to work through it

[sayer7]

Wow, that's like a finacee's worst nightmare to have her fiance have sex with some complete and utter stranger during his bachelor party.

 

I'm surprised she took you back... but Kudo's that she did. I'm glad that's she'll willing to forgive you and try to regain the trust that she might've lost that night. If she can truly moved on and the trust is restored ... you are definitely a lucky man.

 

As for your grieving, you might just be realizing you have the capacity to be a scumbag-- a negative trait you may have never realized you had and it's hard to accept that you were actually willing and able to do that kind of thing to someone you say you love enough and say you are committed enough to marry.

 

I once had an emotional meltdown with my ex and said awful abusive things to him and then when everything cooled down, he forgave me right away knowing the circumstances (having just gotten back from major emergency surgery, losing my ability to have children one day, him not being there for me, to come back and have him nag me about school and taking too much time off to heal- i took a week off- it was the last straw). But I had trouble forgiving myself for the horrible things I said to him, for slamming doors and screaming at the top of my lungs. I was a complete and utter monster to him. It hurts to know I have the capacity to be such a ugly person to anybody. All I can do is hope and learn to trust myself again, and consciously make sure I don't lose my cool like that again. I grieved a long time and I still scare myself to this day whenever I feel angry.

 

Maybe this is similar to what you're feeling now...maybe you feel something of a hypocrit, or don't trust yourself anymore, or think maybe you really aren't committed to the relationship afterall.

 

She's forgiven you and moved on-- so take her lead and know you still have the capacity to be the man she loves, you're not a monster deep down-- you're just human and everyone makes BIG mistakes. She's knows this, and you need to learn this and forgive yourself also.

[Day_Walker]

You thinking about your actions means what you want it to mean. Are u not wanting to let go because of commitment issues, guilty, thinking about other women? I cant tell you whats on your mind and why you are thinking these things. Cheating at a bachelor party seems kinda suspect to me, it seems like you want a reason to get out, why else would you do something that could potentially damage a relationship and up coming wedding? You owe it to your fiance and yourself to find the root of your thoughts and decide if you need to proceed with the ceremony or if it needs to be called off.