What happened?

[symbiot]

I’ll try to make this brief. I’ll only name a few examples out of the numerous to choose just to give an idea of how close we were connected (heart and mind). About 4 yrs. Ago I met her here at work. She was cute, pretty, attractive. We had some interaction and she asked me about my tattoos. I asked her if she had any. “Yea”. They were of music symbols. “ Do you play an instrument ?” I say. “Yea” I guessed the violin but she said the Sax. I guessed the alto she said the Tenor. (uh…oh! I’m going down fast!) I play the Tenor I tell her. She moved to the back after a while and we worked together. We got close really fast. We had more in common than anyone I’ve ever met before. Music was big. I’d give her new music all the time and she soaked it up like a sponge. I gave her a particular CD once of a group that is one of my all time favorites. One song from that album is a very special song for me. She comes back telling me how much she liked the album but one song especially. It was my song. Then she says there is one verse in the song that she finds incredible. IT’S THE SAME LINE I LOVED !. ( I still think about getting it tattooed on me that’s how much that verse means to me ! ). We were bound together like this in soooo many ways I can’t even tell you. We could finish each others sentences. We would text each other saying the same thing at the exact same time. We could feel the other even when we were not together.

After about a yr. she had to move away to continue schooling. It devastated us. She almost didn’t want to go. ( I would have made her go anyway )

After about 5 mos. Of driving to see her every wknd. I moved to be with here. I lived in the building next to hers. Our relationship had suffered a lot but after a few mos we were doing good again. I sat her down once and asked her if she wanted to end it and she said no. We grew closer together. School was about to start and she was struggling so I took a back seat so she could get down to it. Throughout this whole relationship I cooked for her ( I’m a gourmet) , bought her gifts I’d just show up at her job with flowers. Took her out all the time. I did everything every women has ever said they wanted in a man PERIOD !

I was going to ask for her hand next year after she finishes school. I came home early one day in Feb. She was supposed to be in school. I went to her apt. She was in her room with another man. ( fully clothed but they were alone)

This girl was my whole world. I would have given my last breath for her to breathe once more. Given my last heartbeat so her could beat once more. That was 7 mos ago.

I moved away about 2 wks after I caught her. I did all the stupid things. Begging, pleading and crying. After about o month I went NC for about 3 mos. Then I contaced her and she responded. Then I sent some of her things I had back to her but NC since then (no notes or letters or anything like that) It was her Bday a few wks ago. I wanted to reach out but I didn’t. My Bday is coming soon and I’m sure it will be hard for me. I miss her so much. I’ve been reading and working out everyday like a mad man. Doing a lot of work on myself. ( co-dependancy/abandonment, inner child stuff). Sometimes I feel ok I guess but my life just isn’t the same anymore. I dream of her all the time. I think about her all the time. She was my best friend. My lover. She took care of me when I needed someone. * * * !? I guess I just needed to vent. Thanks everyone. This place has helped me a lot. I just want my life back !

[ForumGuy]

Hopefully your life will come back together...and very good for you that you are working out and working on yourself.

[symbiot]

Thanks ForumGuy. I have been monitoring your advice for sometime now. It just comes and goes in waves. Today I keep thinking about how everynight when she'd come to my apt. for the night I'd look her in the eyes and trace her lips with my fingers and tell her that she was the most beautiful person in the wolrd and my best friend and How much I loved her. Every single ninght when I'd get up to use the bathroom when I'd come back to bed I'd kis her on the cheek and whisper in her ear " I love you". Sometimes I'd wake at night and just sit in bed and stare at her while she slept. So happy that she was with me. I kept my job 60 miles away and drove back and forth everyday just to be close to her. Sometimes I just can't believe it still. I think today is just one of those waves we all ride.

[WindowTo]

Yea, sorry man. Some people just do not understand the pain they are capable of causing others with sh*t like this. Very disturbing. Not everyone that we can love out there can be ready to reject or cheat on us though, so just keep spirits high in hope of finding something that will not end in a nightmare.

[symbiot]

It's a strange thing. When I was with her I felt like the world was mine. With her in my life I was inspired to start my own business. While she did not give me the talent to do the things I could she opened my heart and my eyes and gave me the courage to persue my dreams. My creative flood gates opened and I made some very beautiful things. Everyone that knows me was blown away. I was awesome. Since the B/U I haven't even tried. I took down my website and just kind od let it go. I had purpose. I had direction. I was living my gift. No more. Now I feel as if I'm beginning anew. I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. I'm just trying to heal and better myself.

[MissMazzi]

It's a strange thing. When I was with her I felt like the world was mine. With her in my life I was inspired to start my own business. While she did not give me the talent to do the things I could she opened my heart and my eyes and gave me the courage to persue my dreams. My creative flood gates opened and I made some very beautiful things. Everyone that knows me was blown away. I was awesome. Since the B/U I haven't even tried. I took down my website and just kind od let it go. I had purpose. I had direction. I was living my gift. No more. Now I feel as if I'm beginning anew. I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. I'm just trying to heal and better myself.

 

I feel exactly the same. People often say you let yourself go in a relationship, but for me it was the opposite. I felt more compelled to do things, I was inspired.. They add a richness to your life, makes the world seem more colourful. I sound crazy, but wow, all my motivation has gone out of the window...

 

Sorry this is not constructive advice. Just that I can relate.

[beacon]

I'm just trying to heal and better myself.

 

And it will happen. I too work out quite a bit and stay active in other ways. I've been reading as well. Thanks for the recommendation in my book thread. Any of the "co-dependency/abandonment, inner child" stuff may be a good thing for me as well if you have any of those to recommend.

 

After 3 weeks of NC, my ex just sent me a text about an hour ago... we never talked about NC but I've been good to not contact her. I'm wavering... I can't decide if I should let her know that I want NC (since it wasn't discussed) or if I should just implement it without letting her know. I hate being indecisive but it has been happening more recently. DAMNIT!

 

Hate you had to walk in on that brother but it seems you are headed in a good direction. Keep it up...

[symbiot]

Beacon, "Reconciliation: Healing the Inner Child" , "Codependent No More" I also read "The Secret" and now I'm reading "Blue Truth" and ( just incase I ever have sex again I'm reading "The Enlightened Sex Manual I hate the fact that I still have these thoughts like: I wonder how often she thinks about me or is she happier without me in her life or does she feel any guilt or remorse for what she? did bla bla bla you know the usual stuff. It also doesn't make me happy that some part of me still wants her back. I have never said anything bad to her since the B/U and I didn't tell her I was going NC either and since I sent some things that were important to her back and haven't contacted her since she probably thinks I hate her. I REALLY WISH I DID! I kinda feel stuck in my healing right now. Maybe thats why I posted my story today. I've been reading here for some months now. Iv'e pretty much gone through all stages of grief but I still cycle through all of them from time to time. I did see a therapist once but I can't really afford to go a lot soooo.....Well I put in my order for a six pack of Rectus Abdominus sometime ago so it should be her by my bday.

[Tryptophan]

I've read plenty of books, but it all comes down to what you do to improve your life, not just your emotional being. I didn't find them in the act (there wasn't an act), but my ex was too close to his best friend so I just left the room open for them to do whatever it was that they wanted to do. They didn't get into a relationship but the damage was done. He neglected us for her.

 

You did everything you could, so you shouldn't feel bad about the whole thing. You just have to give it time. I recommend you don't reach out to her. Not if a volcano erupts, not if a hurricane hits her area, not if Bin Laden comes alive and sets a bomb right next to her house, NEVER. She doesn't deserve any more attention from you. It's time to start thinking about yourself and not her.

[symbiot]

I don't plan on contacting her. I wanted to for her bday but I didn't want to give her the impression that she can have me back anytime she wants to. She knows how I feel/felt. She was everything to me. It's my bday soon and I do wonder if she will txt or email me. Either way it will suck big time. I also have read that dumpers usually start second guessing around 6-8 mos. That will fit the timeline perfectly. And I know for sure she prob thought I 'd reach out for her bday.

[Tryptophan]

If she does contact you on your birthday, think well about what you want to do. I know sometimes we get so weak that the crumbs (random texts with no meaning) seem like a lot, but it usually just means they want to test the waters. Don't expect her to text you either. You shouldn't be waiting for it.

 

Second guessing usually also means that they want to know you're still available and if you are, then they'll just keep moving on. I think that if anything is to get done with that, it's to just let them believe you wouldn't ever take them back again; at least you'll get some of your pride back after that.

[symbiot]

If she evre did contact me and wanted to talk I would make her tell me what she wants to talk about. I would also tell her that if she wants to be friends that I have no interest in that and I don't see any need for further contact. Im' not one to be strung along. I do care about my own feelings and mental health.

[Tryptophan]

I wish I would have been strong enough back then to just let him go without a word but I wasn't. Now I'm in a much better place so even if I heard his mother died, I wouldn't reach out to him.

 

He can burn in hell lol. I know that's extremist but I cared too much about him before, and he didn't reciprocate. So I will no longer be the pet.

 

Stay strong!

[symbiot]

Sorry to break topic but this is the most fun I've had in a while. I feel like I have friends again. Too bad we don't all live close. We all share a common bond. It would be nice to have a drink and laugh again. You are a strong woman.

[Tryptophan]

Yeah, it's hard to get to that point where you can laugh normally again. It too like 3 months for me to laugh just as much as I laughed with my ex. Still don't laugh as much but at least I'm stable and not on an emotional rollercoaster.

[beacon]

I really want to laugh and play the way I normally do. It's amazing how much energy is drained from you in these situations.

 

Thanks for the book suggestions, symbiot. It's nice to have positive things to anticipate.

[endy]

Hold on a quick second... Can you be more specific about what actually happened causing a breakup? Was she for sure cheating on you? Have you read any thich nhat hahn? You recently sent me a PM. Pride gets in the ways of a lot of things. It's not safe to make assumptions or have to much pride to see things the wrong way. What EXACTLY gives you the impression that she as cheating? did she admit it?

 

The only other work I can see you doing, is that you gave too much. You weren't independent enough, you chased her, and you need your own purpose. Read more about being an independent man. I know you've probably read my book thread. Read the way of the superior man, and being the strong man a woman wants. You were probably just too much of a follower and she lost attraction... Yeah, happened to me too, but I had way more issues than that. That doesn't mean you are codependent etc. Give us some more history on everything. Obviously you have determined all of this?

 

I saw nothing that really said you were codependent. When you are codependent you are like that with EVERYONE not just in a relationship. Also how old are you man? Respond either here or in PM and we can discuss it. You are not close to healed and it's normal to still love your ex. I still love mine. That's why it doesn't matter what she's doing or who she's with. As long as she is happy.

 

The major thing I see without it being cleared up is that pride causes misperceptions a lot. I hope that this is not the case, and you know for a fact that she was cheating. If she was cheating, just from experience, trust me, you don't want her back. Also, I read a lot of books yes, but I also have my own thoughts on everything I've read. Books are sometimes fact, they make sense to some, it's important to think and look deeply and develop your own wisdom on what you read and agree with.