How do I exude confidence....without being scary?

[Goddess4ever]

I have been told many times that I am intimidating. I don't know if it is because I am opinionated (not self-righteously, or rudely), because I am smart, or because of my sense of humour. I find that when I am confident...I am "intimidating"...and when I am down in the dumps I seem really "witchy" to other people. I think when I look "normal"...ie just walking around or walking to class or something, I seem unapproachable. People tell me I need to smile more....I smile LOTS!!! But apparently if I am not smiling I seem "scary". However, I can't walk around with a dumb smile on my face all the time..so that I appear friendly. I was just wondering what I can do to seem more approachable, and less intimidating. Any advise would be appreciated!

[SomeGuy112]

If you are like me you aer porbably doing something you rarely if ever notice. When you are walking around like that, check if you are frowning. It doesn't have to be a full fledged frown, just check if your face is tight, brows are a little close together, muscles in your forhead are tight. I used to do that all the time without even noticing, not because I was mad at anything but because I had just gotten used to frowning. People take that as you are mad or something. Anyway you don't have to smile. Just if you notice that, relax, let your face and your body go a little limp. You don't have to be square shouldered all the time either. Find something to just completely lean on, like lean/sit on a desk throw your arms behind you to support yourself and lay back a little. Not saying you would randomly do this in the middle of a class but just giving an example of how to relax. If that isn't your problem then I'm not really sure what is. That is the only thing I can think of, too much frowning.

[talo]

Dear Goddess,

 

Confidence is trust. Trust is not being smart, opinionated, humorous, friendly, approachable, intimidating. Trust/confidence is 'there' when 'you' are not; when you do not define yourself.

 

There is no confidence/trust to get or exude. If you see anything to get or give, that is strategy/tactics and not trust/confidence.

[Celadon]

Hi G4E, let's see ... so it sounds like you believe you are confident, but others find the normal "you" intimidating. Are you a big person by any chance? Sometimes that plays a role in how people perceive other people. Physically they feel overshadowed. Not much you can do about that though. Except maybe not dress "severely."

 

Some other random thoughts come to mind when I think about "why would someone be seen as intimidating?" ...

 

Are you appearing too business-like? Too to-the-point? Or is there warmth in how you present yourself? (I'm sure you are a warm person, I'm just asking about how you might be perceived.)

 

As to your humor, is it sarcastic or biting? People who are smart sometimes are too clever and they are seen as insulting other people, even when they don't intend it. If this is the case, you might think about adjusting your humor to show your more positive and friendly side.

 

If you enjoy giving your opinion, do you listen to other people's opinions too? You may enjoy debate, but not everyone does. You might try to be a little humorous or self-deprecating, acknowledging that you are opinionated even after you've just spoken your mind.

 

Well, those are just some thoughts. In high school people thought I was intimidating too, for some of the reasons I listed above. Hope some of these thoughts help.

[Goddess4ever]

As far as the way that I am dressed....I am a jeans and t-shirt kinda gal. I do dress up the odd time...but I like to be comfortable. I am generally " to the point" kinda person...but not in a rude or pushy manner. If someone asks my opinion, I will give it. My sense of humor can be sarcastic and dry....however...the odd thing is, but I have had a lot of compliments on my sense of humor. One thing is....is I am not ultra-feminine or "girly"...while I am not super masculine either. I like sports and video games, movies, politics, books, societal issues, music, talking, helping others etc. People tell me that I am "strong"....meaning emotionally...so sometimes I think that sometimes that it is because I am not a panic person....and more of a thinker than a feeler. Does that sound odd? I am passionate about everything I do....and I am honest. I don't see why that is so "freaky". I am not the kind of person that will agree with you just to be accepted...however, I am not "confrontational" either.

 

At university, I actually have a lot of ppl come up and talk to me.....to tell me something about what I said in class. However, I just find that sometimes I cannot win.

[Celadon]

At university, I actually have a lot of ppl come up and talk to me.....to tell me something about what I said in class. However, I just find that sometimes I cannot win.

 

I find that even confident people can be seen as intimidating if they rarely show their softer emotions. It's hard for people to relate when someone is not vulnerable or doesn't seem to need people.

 

I would ask who exactly is calling you intimidating? And are their reasons for doing so really valid? Maybe they're just feeling insecure, and their comments are to be taken lightly.

 

When you say you cannot win, what would you define as winning? If one's goal is to appeal to everybody, one must learn what everyone wants and then provide that. Some people find such a goal to be not worth their time.

 

I'm sure you are terrific just as you are. If the label of "intimidating" really bothers you, I'd ask the people who said it for an explanation, and then judge for yourself if you're willing to modify your behavior at all to be less intimidating. Good luck!

[Scout]

I don't think you have a problem. Instead, I think you are gifted with a unique personality, a direct approach, and good old honest and assertive communication skills. This actually makes you different than many people, but one day, you will appreciate that edge you have! Trust me, blending in with everyone else will do nothing to serve you in the long run.

 

Stay true to yourself. As you said, you are tactful and considerate of others, and that's all that really matters. The more you accept your unique personality and inner strength (which is hard for us women to accept as an actual gift sometimes!), the less you will care what others think. And the less you care, the less they'll comment. It's a karma thing.

 

Keep it up, girl! I think you sound like an amazing person!!

[lucy9089]

Before I start, I want to say that I don't think any of your personality is bad, there are just certain elements that put certain people off, in certain situations. Given that you want to change, heres my advise...

I have been around people who are kind of like you, girls who are thinkers (which is kind of rare because most girls are feelers). I feel like your personality type tends to be a little elitist, meaning you come off as like you know more than someone else, sometimes I do that and I have to tell myself to hold in my opinions for the sake of having friends, instead of telling someone "how it is" try like slowly opening their minds, like saying something like "is it possible that what I am saying could be true?" that will get people to really think about what your messages are instead of being put off by your "scariness". Even if you know in your heart that you are right, sometimes it is better to keep it to yourself, or to write in a journal, and watch as people come to their own conclusions. Gently persuade them, and don't tell them "how it is" unless they ask your opinion. Basically I feel like you are a very blunt save the bullshi*t kind of girl, and many other people especially females don't like that, and stick with the humor thing if it makes people happy, that can act as a counter weight to your save the (PROFANITY DELETED BY MODERATOR) kind of attitude. Oh and please don't listen to those people who say you are "intimidating" unless they actually have their own ideas for how you can change that.

 

I hope somewhere in my mess of words you got something out of what I was saying, and if I misjudged you please tell me