Here goes everything

[SanSerif]

So some of you may recognize me from this site. I've been a longtime poster for around 4 years and have had an on-again off-again love affair with my comfortability to share. I've been through some significant changes in my life and I was just hoping maybe some kind soul could lend some perspective on my situation.

 

I kicked my girlfriend out of four years about 2 months ago. It's been weird since then. I'm adapting to a lifestyle where I am the only one around the house...I still have a good job, good friends, but the loneliness is such a system shock that I sometimes have trouble knowing what to do with myself.

 

I live in a small retirement community so going out is generally something that doesn't quite tickle me as well as it might. I'm 26, male. I feel like I'm dealing with some kind of existential angst.

 

I've historically spent a lot of time in my head...finding, in intervals, that time spent outside my head is the best way to live my life. But a combination of the circumstances I've brought upon myself and the total lack of any kind of social life outside of work is something that is causing me a good deal of discontent.

 

I don't know if this is a rant, or an appeal, or anything worth any kind of merit to you; I also don't know if I'm in some kind of depressive episode..but, I really just need someone to talk to. I don't really have anyone. My family is scattered accross the country, and we are not close. Most of my friends have gotten married and had kids..I'm just kind of here. I don't know what it is with me. I have trouble getting it all together. Sometimes I'm really happy and life is wonderful and I'm optimistic...but other times I"m like this and I don't know what my purpose is, what I want.

 

I got in contact with an ex-girlfriend of mine from four years ago, just before I met my now-ex. She and I hadn't talked. I was the one who severed communication. She's called me up three consecutive nights. I'm shocked and mystified. She was my first love and broke my heart pretty severely. I'm not certain I'm in any kind of place to be starting anything with anyone..I don't know what I'm going to do the next time she calls.

[DN]

Answer and find out what she wants. Is she likely to know you ended things with your most recent ex?

[blacklantana]

dude, I'm in the same position as you, as far as being optimistic some days and others just being totally lost and depressed because there is no one around to talk to or share good times with. My best friend and I recently ending things, about a few weeks ago, and I used to talk to her every day. Every hour at work, when I got home, before I slept, when I woke up.... and now, I have no one really. And it's weird you mention your ex, because yesterday I went to a restaurant and my ex works there, and we sort of are talking now. Not anything serious, but as you were saying, I'm not ready to do anything or be with anyone right now.

 

I even have a good job that pays well, but I still live at home with my parents ( yet rarely see them or talk to them ). I'm trying to save up money to get out, but I honestly think if I was alone, it would make it worse, as you are saying. Luckily, I do have a few hobbies and things I do to keep me busy. And I think you should do the same. I work out every day after work, make music from time to time, and even play poker sometimes for money. I tried going to the mall the other day, and told myself I would get a girls number to see if this would change anything or make me happier or make my mood switch, but that didn't' help either. I bought a shirt from Macy's, got the cashier's number, and we have been talking now for a week or so, but nothing has changed within myself. I still feel depressed sometimes, and don't know what I want to do with my life.

 

I honestly think some type of group therapy would help you, and me too. Maybe if we searched around our area, people most likely have groups all the time. Not even about depression, but maybe about subjects that interest you? Philosophy, astronomy, religion, etc... I even thought about joining a dance class, or some type of class to meet people and maybe start making new friends. But posting on forums does help me vent and release some stress, making feel a little better, as I'm sure it does to you too. I think the main thing is staying busy, and working on yourself. Reading books, setting a goal, and putting it into practice.

 

For instance, this week I told myself, no soda for a week. I usually don't drink that much soda at all, but I just set little goals for myself to look forward to accomplishing something. Start with small goals, and work up to big ones. Another main one is to go to the gym at least 4-5 times a week. I haven't been doing a good job, but I need to keep the motivation going. Sorry if this wasn't much help, but if I think of other things, I'll re-post.

[SanSerif]

Hey thanks man, your post was really helpful. It feels good to know that I'm not the only one feeling this kind of, stagnation is too strong a word. Just kind of like a wonder...a wonder of what to do with my time, how to go about living my life by myself again. Yeah, waking up next to someone for 4 years and kissing them goodnight even though all the stuff we went through...just holding on to that committment. It's so weird because I broke the committment, and she's gone, but my mind and body and all that are still going through the motions. I've learned to live a certain way these 4 years and it's like I have to re-teach myself how to freaking live.

 

When I lived alone before, I had loads of fun. I was 21/22 and basically was just into all kinds of stuff that made me happy and laugh. I spent a lot of time with my close friends and coworkers and we cracked jokes and I was so happy-go-lucky. I want that attitude back. I want to take the steps to getting back to where I was mentally before I met her, confident, happy, determined, ambitious, and essentially self-actualizing. I liked myself the best then, when I had most of my future steps somewhat planned out, but was flexible and opportunistic.

 

I do go to the gym, I picked up basketball in January and I've been playing ever since. Working out is great, improves confidence, releases endorphins and just makes you feel better in general, along with eating healthy. I only get to the gym about 3 times a week, and more is better I know. I just bought a new car and I do have hobbies...they just seem somewhat hollow now because the greatest thing I was working toward, making my relationship work and trying to keep us happy together, is gone. Having that as a focal point kind of necessitated my other hobbies, and since they were a realease from the stresses of the relationship (my alone, or down-time), I was eager to get back with my best friend after I'd had time to myself. Everything rotated around her. Now, I removed her from the center of my life, and there is nothing to revolve around. My hobbies seem emptier because they were distractions. None of them seem worthy of being the central fixation.

 

I don't feel like I need another person to be happy. I know I've lived alone before and I was arguably happier than when in a relationship, this adjustment period is just hell.