do people change?

[endy]

What does it say about him though? Not much good either.

 

What I think she's getting at is you aren't valueing yourself and loving yourself enough because you put yourself in that situation. Like I said, I'm not going to take the chance if it was me because I love myself and have more self worth than that. I know I deserve better, and I'm going to get better. It really isn't much good, but what's done is done. Forgive yourself and move on.

[endy]

Actually I just got done reading a book that might help you understand this a bit... I'm all about being a strong superior man in life period now. In all areas. Read the way of the superior man. Also read being the strong man a woman wants.

 

you don't need to worry about the sex crap in it, unless you want to... and yeah I know I'm capable of it all. You'll know what I'm talking about when and if you read it.

 

In short you declining her of sex is telling her that you don't need her. It just exudes strength. You give in to what she wants even though it's not right. That shows weakness. Women don't want weakness. They want a strong man that makes his own decisions and they respect you for it. Some people won't agree with that, but it's masculine energy vs feminine to me. There needs to be a balance or women lose attraction to you. You want to control that. Not control it but you have the decision of doing it or not. That way you're making the decision. Some people agree with views on men and how they should be some don't. The truth is gender roles have changed. Men and women are becoming more equal. Still I believe a man's job is to lead. Those books will explain more of what I'm talking about.

 

Basically if I was in your situation this is what it boils down to. Broke up, it's over, then add the rebound or whatever it was to it and the cheating. Not healthy behavior and behavior usually repeats itself. You want to take the chance with her, or do you want to find someone healthy that doesn't act that way? I'de take my chances with someone healthy, that I can trust completely out of the gate.

[wilyone 11]

That's nice, but I won't take the chance on someone that is capable of doing that. That to me is morally wrong, and selfish. You can't already just dump them, rather you need to cheat on them to make you temporarily happy and fill your wants and desires? No thanks, I'm not going to get involved with a person like that. Maybe that's not why you did it. I'm not you, but I'm not going to get involved with someone that I know has cheated. End of story.

 

Totally respect that and yes it was morally wrong and selfish.

 

In my situation, I owned houses with these guys and I was too weak to get myself out of the relationship. There was nothing horribly wrong in the relationships, I was just never in love and should never have bought property with them in the first place. The thought of moving out and living alone was overwhelming. No excuse I know. I was looking for a guy to incentivize me to get out of my situation.

 

So I fell for my current ex while with my ex-husband and did separate from my husband. Of course, like you, the new guy had second thoughts that I would not cheat on him. According to the psychics, it's one of the main reasons he broke up with me. His rational mind said I couldn't be trusted despite what his heart was feeling, and other people were telling him the same thing. Supposedly, one of his lessons is to trust his heart instead of his head and not listen to what other people say.

[No1her]

well that helps a little, i understand it but at the same time. actions speak louder than words.

im almost certain i will see her on saturday at a mutual friends party. i think im gonna be nice to her all day then reject her advance if it comes to that. which it may.

 

and to answer the one post. it wasnt her ex boyfriend... its her current b/f.

[Benville]

I've always been in the same camp as Endy, I couldn't bring myself to be with someone that has cheated in their past. If they've done it once, what's the stop them doing it again? It shows you an insight into their character that I'd rather wasn't there.

 

My 31st birthday is in a couple of months and I can say truthfully I've never cheated. Having been on the receiving end, I couldn't put someone else in that position.

 

However....

 

As someone that always puts other peoples needs first, I have to be 100% honest and say that if I found myself in such a position, these days I'm not sure what I'd do. Cheating is being selfish to the extreme, it's putting your own needs above all others. This idea intoxicates me a little, and excites me.

 

I always put my partners needs first, to a fault, which is why my relationships don't last. I never say no, which leads to a demise in attraction and respect. I've also always been a rule follower, a goodie two shoes, someone that doesn't rock the boat. The idea that I could be selfish enough to do what I want, and the moral consequences be damned, really appeals to me in some way...

 

I know it's not right, but it does?!

[endy]

Oh man, examine this behavior. You need to change this and you need to change it for you. Until you do no relationship is going to last. Women lost attraction for men that put their needs first. Women like goal driven men that follow their purpose in life (for the most part), a non-dysfunctional woman does anyways, unless they exude more masculine energy. Man I've been in the exact same spot you are, and let me tell you it's good you are figuring this all out but you need to do something about it. Codependence is something that destroys relationships.

 

YOU need to be what YOU need. You need to know you're worthy of love, and that you don't need to constantly take care of someone to feel worthy. Read on codependence a bit and change it. It's not easy when you've been doing it for 10-15 years, but it needs to be YOU that is always first. ALWAYS, no exceptions. Obviously if someone is in the hospital etc that's different. Your need to take care of someone because it makes you feel worthy and loved. On the contrary it makes you feel victimized. You've got a TON of work to do, but once you do get through it look out. Healthy relationships with healthy people because that's what you'll then attract.

[Benville]

Oh I know it's problematic behaviour, but I am now aware of it and trying to change. I've got a ton of books waiting on my shelf to be read through. At the moment I'm reading The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, then I have Anger, Reconcilition, Codependent No More (was reading this before hand, but not often enough) and Beyond Codependency.

 

I guess my desire to cheat, despite finding it an abhorrent act, is a telling tale about my recognising my need to put myself first.

 

I also am trying to address why I find dysfunctional women so attractive, but that's all part of codependency from my understanding so far.

[endy]

Oh I know it's problematic behaviour, but I am now aware of it and trying to change. I've got a ton of books waiting on my shelf to be read through. At the moment I'm reading The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, then I have Anger, Reconcilition, Codependent No More (was reading this before hand, but not often enough) and Beyond Codependency.

 

I guess my desire to cheat, despite finding it an abhorrent act, is a telling tale about my recognising my need to put myself first.

 

I also am trying to address why I find dysfunctional women so attractive, but that's all part of codependency from my understanding so far.

 

Well either that or you don't love yourself and think you need to take care of someone to love yourself. If you do love yourself, you become healthy and believe you deserved to be loved by a similar type of person that's what you'll attract. I was attracting those women because I didn't feel good enough about myself. In a sense I was lowering my vibration to the universe and putting out that signal. The other thing was I never noticed their dysfunction because I made myself blind to it. I felt the need to take care and love and that was enough. After all those books get being the strong man a woman wants. Also get the way of the superior man. That will help with women a bit.

[Chicklet]

I am a true believer in change. The thing is....the person that needs to change, must want to change. It's the deal breaker.

[Benville]

Well either that or you don't love yourself and think you need to take care of someone to love yourself. If you do love yourself, you become healthy and believe you deserved to be loved by a similar type of person that's what you'll attract. I was attracting those women because I didn't feel good enough about myself. In a sense I was lowering my vibration to the universe and putting out that signal. The other thing was I never noticed their dysfunction because I made myself blind to it. I felt the need to take care and love and that was enough. After all those books get being the strong man a woman wants. Also get the way of the superior man. That will help with women a bit.

 

Pretty much described me to a T. You sound like me a few years from now, or I'm like you a few years ago.

 

My recent double break up has finally motivated me to identify and rectify many of these issues, so I am on the path, I know what I need to do, it's just getting on with it now and making the effort.

[Hubble]

As someone who *should've* changed, in the relationship that inevitably failed, I believe that change can be done - if done for the correct reasons.

 

It was much easier to say I was going to change, do it for a month or so, and then to fall back into old habits. Reason being is I was trying to change to meet her expectations. YOU have to want to change because you genuinely agree and accept that your habits are unhealthy in a relationship. Which I now see, and have accepted, and am working to actively correct. Now it may or may not be too late to 'fix' what we had (yes i know there's no fixing a BU - it would be a 'new relationship'), but I feel that no matter what, the changes i've put into play will benefit my mental and physical health for any future relationship. I am grateful that I now see it, but unfortunately it took losing someone I genuinely and unconditionally loved to realize this.

 

Just for those that may be curious, I was lazy, a push over (when it came to friends, i'd drive them places, buy food if they didn't have money, would 'forget' to get money back), let her decide where to eat/what movie/weekend plans, wasn't romantic, would 'snap' at her, felt like I had to baby sit her when she drank, and wouldn't express myself.

[No1her]

hubble if theres one thing ive learned from these boards, and im guilty of it still to this day. dont feel guilty or regretfull. give urself a break. it takes 2 to tango. its crazy how much a breakup can alter a persons personality. its amazing what breakups do to people. every action has a reaction. its not ur fault, just like it wasnt my fault... not entirely anyway.

[endy]

hubble if theres one thing ive learned from these boards, and im guilty of it still to this day. dont feel guilty or regretfull. give urself a break. it takes 2 to tango. its crazy how much a breakup can alter a persons personality. its amazing what breakups do to people. every action has a reaction. its not ur fault, just like it wasnt my fault... not entirely anyway.

 

Hubble no1her is correct. Seriously I can recommend two books. I just read The way of the superior man that will help you immensely, and being the strong man a woman wants. A breakup is never one person's fault. I look at all my past relationship and every single one the other person was WAY more dysfunctional than me, but I dont' worry about them or the past. All I can do is change my future with the work I've done. You'll be fine, and put the work in. you'll be good.

[Hubble]

Oh yeah don't get me wrong, I'm not taking all the blame here! I was just pointing out that I realize there are things that I should have changed. There are a few things I could mention that X should have changed as well, but I didn't want to delve into that and come off bitter

 

I also agree that it's about the future, while I don't regret the fact that I didn't change it's more of the fact that I wish I had been more aware of who I was/needed to be to have had things work out. Also being honest about both parties shortcomings in the relationship would have benefited us both.

 

I'm not much of a reader unfortunately so as I've seen all of the books recommended, and have written down the titles of probably 90% of them, I just can't seem to get into these sorts of books and if I do it's usually not for very long! Hopefully soon that will change though as they seem to have helped quite a few people on here.