Well its been a month

[Noggy27]

Hi

 

Just an update on my situation. I have been in nc for about a month now and my ex has started sending me mails and today I went round to her house to take her daughter out swimming (from a previous marriage). I didnt ply the kid for information as thats low but the little girl started telling me about this new guy she started seeing. She says he has a cool car and that he stays the night quite often. Man this broke me to pieces I almost started crying in the car in front of the little girl.

 

I asked my ex about it and she told me that she knew i would ply the kid for info. I didnt do that and I told her i didnt, She said that this new guy she hit it off with him as soon as she met him and they have a "spark" together and she thinks they are a perfect match. She then sat and listed all the bad things about me and why she doesnt want to be with me and then told me about how great this guy was. She said she met the guy before we split up but she never cheated on me and she admitted that he was one of the reasons she split up with me. She said she wanted to be with him and realised how we werent a match anymore because she wouldnt of felt the way she did about this guy so much that she needed to dump me. She told me she hadnt told me about him because she didnt want to hurt me but she said that she was definatley going to go on with her relationship with this guy and see how it goes. She told me she missed me but this new guy made her so happy. She said she wanted to be my friend and she was happy that her daughter was so happy to see me.

 

Is this game over for me? Have I lost this woman completely? What do I do now?

[sinnerboy]

hi,

 

well if i were you i would not even talk to that b@#$%, do you really want to be a friend with a person that hurt you so much.

 

 

 

 

good luck

[Noggy27]

yeah she hurt me.. but at least she was honest. She did what she wanted to do. She saw that the grass was greener on the other side and she admitted it.

 

I know this guy is the green grass because she told me herself. She didnt insult me, she just told me why she didnt love me anymore and how he made her happy again.

 

I am beggining to feel that I am being selfish for wanting to prove her wrong. I just think its so unfair . Instead of giving me a chance she just jumped the fence and found a new guy. She said she is scared to be my friend because she doesnt want me to try and compete with this guy.

 

What I need to know is.. What the F"£$ do I do now? Shes admitted she saw the grass is greener with him, shes admitted she misses me heaps shes admitted she doesnt want me out of her life though she has no interest in seeing the good side of me. Its like she has blanked all the good times we had together and replaced them with images that she has self programmed into her head as if she was trying to convince herself that she is happier now. You know what I mean?

 

any advice?

[chai714]

Noggy - As long as she knows you're there for her (backup boyfriend, if you will), she's going to continue to abuse you. She's jumping from you to him. Things most likely won't work between her and this new guy, unless she is the type of female who can swing from vine to vine, but then you would have to ask yourself, "do I want a female like that?" Best thing for YOU do to in your case would be to back out of her life, completely - at least for now. Implement NC for a few weeks . . . .see if she calls you. If she does, don't pick up and don't return calls for a few days. Then, if she calls back, take her call, but remain aloof - don't let her know what you've been up to, she will wonder because that's human nature . . . ..

[american dream]

Listen to Chai, he is a smart guy and he helped me out Noggy. Do the NC thing.

[Noggy27]

I see your point

 

If I do that though she will come up with some crap about me neglecting the kid most likely...

 

Should I completely ignore her or just act slow at replieng?

 

What do the rest of you think?

 

I appreciate the responses guys

 

What makes you think it wont last if shes singing his praises? She kept going on about how great he was and how he was so active with the child... Hes trying hard imho.. She seems infatuated with him.

 

Last thing she told me was that she wants to rebuild the burnt bridges with us.

[chai714]

She kept going on about how great he was and how he was so active with the child... Hes trying hard imho.. She seems infatuated with him.

 

Although I know you probably love the kid, she's ultimately not your responsibility(unless you adopted her or are her legal guardian). Don't let her manipulate you or make you feel guilty! Decide what you want: the girl back in your life or not? Remember, when they meet someone new, it's typically 110% infatuation. You know how it is - everything is rosy in the beginning, but eventually things will get real and he won't be so "perfect" in her eyes. Take it from me, this WILL wear off. Give it some time for her infatuation to wear off - this could take weeks or a few months, so patience is key here. In the meantime, withdraw contact with her for a while and try to focus on yourself - not so much getting her back, but becoming a stronger person, because this WILL make you stronger in the end although it's difficult to see that right now. THIS WILL BE HARD, believe me, it's going to be incredibly difficult not to contact her since you still have very strong feelings for her. BUT, give it some time, she will come around. She's already told you she wants to rebuild burned bridges, but IT'S TOO EARLY to do this just yet - let her sweat it out for a change while you work on yourself. This time will allow you to put the situation into perspective and make more logical decisions rather than emotional ones. Keep busy - read books, take up a sport, go volunteer, start working out or work out more, go hiking, find anything you like to do and keep busy for a while.

[Noggy27]

Thats some good advice mate.. I appreciate it.

 

I hope you are right man.. Though what should I do with her contacting me? Should I ignore her completely? Should I be brief? What should I tell her when she notices I am acting weird (the nc )?

[chai714]

Become unavailable at least 1/2 of the time she calls you. DO NOT return every phone call, email, text message, or anything else that could be considered "contact." Yes, being brief, remaining aloof - your actions will make her think, "wait, this guy isn't always going to be here for me now." Something will click in her head. I'm not by any means guaranteeing you that she will come crawling back - but this way - keeping busy will allow both healing and limited contact with her.

 

What should you do if she asks why you're acting different?

 

Nothing. You have nothing to explain to her, YOU OWE HER NOTHING. If she asks, a simple, "I've been busy" will do fine. If she digs for more, end the phone call, tell her you have stuff to do.

[Noggy27]

Thanks guys you have been so great and given me a sense of purpose and direction.

 

I had to break NC the other day as I needed my bike back. I called her to ask for my bike back and she just hung up on me. In my family hanging up and ignoring people is the rudest form of insult (its like saying you dont exist). I got really mad at this and sent her an email and texted her and she ignored that too. So I sent her a mail saying. "Look quit ingorning me I need my biike back please or do I have to come round to your house with the police?". Yes I know it was stupid but damn.. I needed my bike back and she ignores me... I HATE being ignored and hence ended up harassing her (stupid me).

 

Later that day her mum phoned me and said she had my bike. I went round to her house and her mum made me coffee and said " Look.. I know you are hurt and frustrated but shes screwed in the head right now and you need to give her space! Just hang in there and she will call you I promise!". She also said " I dont know why you are killing yourself over this new guy shes seeing. Its just a couple times a week she sees this guy and I promise there is no big romance going on here. Hes busy with his friends most of the time and has a nice car and drives around to clubs he goes to and does his squash training etc so dont worry about it. She only sees him once a week". I am like what the heck? How can people say that? This is my replacement for crying out loud! Why do they keep trying to butter me down by claiming hes just a guy shes dating and theres no big deal? The guy is sleeping in the bed I bought. Hes drinking his beer from the fridge I bought! Its hard enough dealing with the jelousy of this guy sleeping with the woman that told me only 2 months ago she loved me but hes doing it in MY bed and i get asked what the big deal is?

 

I have started NC again and must say I am hurting like hell. I feel like such a loser because I have no control over my emotions. I am suddenly in a confident mood and all of a sudden I snap and go really angry over the silliest things. Then I go into a state of depression where I dream of going round to her house and giving her a big hug and a kiss and telling her I love her. I cant get her out of my head! All I think about is.. I wonder what shes doing now? I wonder if that "guy" is round at her house right now. I wonder if shes happy to see the back of me. Its driving me nuts! I so badly want to be with her its like losing your best friend and your mind.

 

I am still doing what I know is best for me and what you guys have recommended. I am going out and meeting women and going to the gym etc etc but I am still scared when I go out. I am scared I might bump in to her and her new man so I end up subconsciously scanning the room of every bar I go into wondering if shes there and freaking out at every blonde woman I see thinking "oh no oh no thats her and her man, I am going to freak out". After a few beers though I seem to calm down and forget about things but my moods are swinging like up and down like a yo yo. Worst thing is women are chatting me up like mad! I stand there talking to them like if they are there physically but they are just a part of my imagination. They quickly caughten on to this and wonder off probably thinking I am a weirdo or something.

 

I have never had so little control over my emotions and its freaking me out! I dont know if in 5 minutes I will be crying or shouting at someone or laughing at the stupid flowery wall paper.

 

I wish someone was a fortune teller that could tell me everything is going to be ok! I wish I could switch off thinking of her all the time but its haunting me like a cancer eating away at my brain slowly. The longer I stay in NC the more I wonder what shes doing and who shes with and if shes thinking of me at all.

 

I know people say that the hardest thing for a man is to realise its over. I DO realise its over! I just wish I could tell my brain that and get it to process other thoughts for a while.

 

I am so frustrated and now shes probably mad at me and never wants to talk to me again.