back together but wife is aloof

[awake]

This is my first post here...

My wife and I had recently decided to separate, but have gotten back together. She tells me she had closed her heart to me, but that was in the past. Through the help of a wonderful couples therapist, we have resolved a great many issues, both having worked on ourselves and the relationship. We have become friends once again. We even sleep together most nights and have even made love several times.

Here is the problem:

Even though my wife says she is commited to making the marriage work, she is alternately loving and aloof. Sometimes I feel like a piece of the furniture and other times we act as lovers. We used to have a wonderful and active sex life, but now she will not initiate at all, whether it is lovemakiing, or simply hugging or kissing, and I get rejected most of the time when I initiate lovemaking. She says its not me but her. the therapist says to give her time. I am very patient but getting frustrated.

[hardcore]

hang in there bro there more to a relaship the love making anyways you can't make love just say what it is . hope this brings you a littel hope

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i've just brock a 100 wow good for me

[kungfumaster]

Hi awake,

 

You and your wife have made lots of efforts to make your marriage work -as hardcore said, please don't give up now. Hang in there. You will enjoy the fruits of both you and your wife's work later on, although you cannot see it now. You have already experienced it before right? Don't give up now.

 

May I suggest going to the gym to let out your frustrations. Go running or lift some weights. Let your frustrations out there and maybe you'll feel better.

 

Take care my friend.

Kung fu

[kalobaby]

Hi!

 

They say that it's very easy for a woman to fall in love, but once they have fallen out of love it's over. Wait I am not saying that your marriage it's over, what I am saying is that as you say your wife had closed her heart to you (meaning felt out of love), well now your job is to make her fall in love with you all over again. I mean send her flowers to her work, send her cards, write to her, take her out to a romantic dinner for no reason. Buy her presents, go out in the night for a nice walk under the starts. I mean do stuff as if you were dating. Do those little things you used to do when you guys were dating that will drive her crazy. Make her fall in love with you all over again, and the love making madness will come back. It's the little things that make us women go crazy, so take time to notice what does she like, and what doesn't she like and make her feel like the queen of your heart.

 

Love is too wonderful to let it go without trying....

 

So let me know how this turns out.

[awake]

kalobaby: (and others)

Thank you for the wonderful advice about getting in touch with the things that we did while we were dating. We met in October of 2001 on the internet and physically met in Savannah 6 weeks later. Since I lived in NJ at the time, and she was in Georgia, we carried on a long distance relationship for a while, sharing emails, poems, letters, beatgreats cards, phone calls, etc. One night I had sent her a copy of a CD of our favorite tunes and we had dinner over the phone.. she at her place and me in mine.. we cooked the same meal, set the tables, lit candles and played the cd's. It was very romantic.

We had done a lot of stuff like that to fill in the space between our visits every two to three weeks.

I had already started doing little romantic things again, and I appreciate your take on this. There will be much more to come. oh, and we have started planning for the future again, and we have travelled together recently, and will be travelling together in the near future.

In my original post, my main concern was the inconsistancy.. and it still is. She is sometimes aloof and sometimes loving and close. The mystery for me is what is really going on here? Ou therapist says to be patient. While I'm mindful of the need for patience, the whole process doesn't make much sense to me... I am grateful for any baby steps we are making

Just wondering why and how affection gets turned on and off as if with a switch. Why is she affectionate one minute, and distant at others? I am told that she is going through a process, yet the jist of the process eludes me. Any thoughts on this from a woman's perspective would be appreciated.

[kalobaby]

Why one minute we are laughing and having fun, and the next we are bursting into tears? Well that is the great women mistery. Talking from personal experience, sometimes when I was w/ my ex, I would be having so much fun, and then he would say or do something that would upset me, and the fun would be over. We women pay too much and I mean it TOO much attention to little details, the words you say, the way you say them, etc. So pay attention, there must be something that turns her off. Did somethig very bad happened between you guys? I mean maybe she still remembers those bad things, and it's your "job" to make her totally forget them. So just pay attention to what turns her off. And you gusy sound so romantic I am sure everything will work out.

 

Best Wishes

[awake]

So,

This morning, for the first time in as long as I can remember, she initiates lovemaking. Actually this has been a gradual warming trend, with hours or days of aloofness in between. Today, she had a 7 hour drive home to help out her dad as her mom is in the hospital. When she called me from the road, after our conversation, i told her that this morning was really sweet.

No response.

Then she said, "what do you want me to say?"

This is really confusing, but fortunately i have an appointment with our therapist tomorrow.

As for past events that caused problems, besides her uprooting her life and her then 19yr old son and moving to NJ, and us dealing with blended family stuff, and me out of work and then jsu moving south, and both reverting to all the stuff that didn't work in our past relationships...

not much.

Her son was a tough situation.. she and I had differences of opinion about what was acceptable language and behavior from a 19 yr. old and we clashed on that right away. I found out recently she neveer forgave me for what went on at that time. The kid and I get along better now

I have forgiven the kid, and forgiven myself for my part of the problem.. (wanting to be right! and self-righteous))

More recently we had been at each other's throats for little stuff. We have also been both working on ourselves, and I even did the "relationship rescue" program. It turned out to be very effective, because it forced me to look at myself and how I had not been taking my responsibility for creating my part of what was wrong in our relationship.

That has changed.

Just still cant understand her process..

patience!

[kungfumaster]

Yes - patience awake! Hang in there. Like you said - it is a gradual warming trend.

 

I am not in your situation, and cannot imagine what you guys have gone through, but I admire your commitment to the relationship, and your willingness do work hard to keep it together.

 

I'm pulling for you guys.

 

Take care and good luck.

Kung fu

[awake]

i am beginning to realize that the hot and cold I am experiencing here may be due to menopausal stuff that has come out concurrently with all the hub-bub we have been experiencing.

I will take each day at at time...

 

 

If just for today..

 

I will cherish the moment,

free of ego and it's chains.

 

I will welcome your touch,

your smile, your laugh.

 

i will hold no expectation.

If just for today.

 

08.04

[kungfumaster]

Nice poem awake - captures the essense of living for today - yes - no expectations.

 

I have to take it one day at time too!

 

We're pulling for you guys.

Take care.

Kung fu

[RayKay]

i am beginning to realize that the hot and cold I am experiencing here may be due to menopausal stuff that has come out concurrently with all the hub-bub we have been experiencing.

 

The menopausal thing is VERY possible. Watching my own mother going through it shows me that people really can have some strange changes to their personality. I am so glad I am not living at home..lol. For example, my mother was never one to cry - she is a stoic English-born woman and I have seen her cry only three times in my life. When her mother died, when her father died, and when my late boyfriend died. Now, she cries if my sister does not like dinner or something and will hold a grudge for the rest of the day. I tread carefully around her now, when she invites me to dinner, I go even if I have to rearrange plans or she will feel offended. Not mad, but upset.

 

It is funny, as she never understood when I was younger why I was emotional (cried fairly easily).

 

Hopefully, it is over soon! I love her of course, but I know it is probably hard for her too to have these mood shifts.

[awake]

thanks to all of your for your support and suggestions.

I just finished a great book: "Conscious Loving" by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks.. the most awesome book I have ever read on relationship mending! Wanted to share that with you all.

We'll see how it goes when she gets home.

 

Just when the sky is the darkest, the stars are the brightest!

(anonymous)

[awake]

Well.. it seems to be happening....

As I stated above, my wife went to Georgia to help her mom who just got out of the hospital. She called me yesterday morning and again last night.

We had shared many long phone calls before we were married, her living in Georgia, me living in NJ, and she had not been too communicative in her trips recently to "find herself"

That is all changed now.. Last night when she called, she sounded joust like the "old" her.. We talked for about a half hour.. about our day, about her mom.. about us.. this is a good thing.

I am still not going to put any expectiatons on this turn of events, just hopes.

Anyone got any suggestions on how to fan the flames here a little bit? Not wanting to control, simply wanting to nurture and grow from here if possible.

Ladies.. any help on this? What can I do now besides being patient, to stir the pot a little?