I just dont know

[ninachamile]

I don't know how to title or to even begin to say what it is I have to say other than, there is a building rage inside that is angry over this dying "little light". Everyone has one. But the chaos of this stagnant rut is killing me and causing great conflict and devouring my inner light to to something so miniscule i cant even see it in the darkest of pitch. I feel a huge terrible heartbreak in the future. Mass sacrifices of letting go. Ending a long relationship. Wanting to start over somewhere else and being the person I feel I should have been years ago. Being in control of myself. Control, that's a power word and everyone wants a piece of it. But you can only control yourself. That's all I ask, is that I can go back and take control of what is truly mine, my own choices. BUT on planet reality we cant go back. So we have to fix the now to be happy for the will be. Here is the problem, letting go. Loosing the baggage the fears of the unexpected and the unknown.

I try to put the big girl pants on and get back on the daily horse, but the falls are getting harder and hurt more. The positive anything (affirmations and so on) seems to be more of a smoke mirror effect.

Trying not to compare myself to others, that's a hard one. Extremely hard. The daily set backs. Trying to get back into school and roadblocks everywhere that by the time they are handled 2-3 years will have gone by. Looking back at the accomplishments, not many, far few and in between. They have not been a help in anyway. More like a sad investment in time money and energy.

I feel tired and wasted. And time is running out. I am not on my deathbed or anything. Time is a blink. Think of it those of you have have been out of high school for more than 10 years 20 years 30 years, doesn't it seem like yesterday? It goes by really fast.

And the thing that really kills me is ALL those people who said "you will never be anything" were right. No matter how much I fought and scratched my way to any winning success. I believe I already mentioned those. I feel like a flightless bird, cage or chained to a perch.

But the thing that really just angers me is this, I DID IT MYSELF. NOW, how do I change it with the above things I have emetioned. It's a connected spiral.

[JMouland]

im in the exact same boat, i just posted a thread u can check it out it may make you feel comfortable to know your not alone and that others like myself feel your pain, i cant give you advise because im in the exact same position, but if u wanna talk just IM me.