WHAT IS GOING ON?!

[claudiajrg]

Well. Monday night i ws talking to my boyfirned because i was asking him what was going on. We had gone to dinner that saturday and i thought it ws all fine but then when we got into his car he was semi distant. i won't lie i was a bit upset with the fact that i had not received a hug or anything when he saw me and all night.

*** Well let me give u guys some background. we had been friends for about 1 year when we became "friends with privalages" a while later after that we eventually became a couple. We have been friends for about 5 years now and a couple almost 4. he is my best friend. he use to live exactly 6 minutes from my house and then out of the blue last december his parents decided to move to Winchester, VA i live in Woodbridge, VA thats about an hour and 45 minutes to his house and to mine from his. he works in Manassas, VA which is about 45 minutes from my home. This has put strain in our relationship to tell you the truth. it was hard for me to adjust to the fact that when i called him he would not be there in just minutes now we have to plan well in advanced to hang out because i have 1 ft job and school and just got a 2nd part time and now our scheduales do not balance. we do see each other when he does come to my house but we are both tired and just wind up watching tv. ***

--well on that saturday something was up and i felt it then again on sunday we went to a comedy club and again i did not get a hug or kiss and instead of stain at my house after coming home from Washington he decieded to drive home, i had to work because my 2nd job is overnight cashiereing form 11 pm - 7 am. well i called him monday and asked what was up at first he did not say anyhing then he said that he wanted some time alone. that right now their was a lot of stuff going on and he also wanted some change,and that he felt that he was getting bored. i was shocked, because even if we are having problems i didn't know that he was wanting change and that sometimes he felt he could not be himself around me, he also said he needed to sort things out. i guess during the talk we had decided to take a break. i say i guess because i was not sure if it was a "break" or a "break up". he ws not clear in what he wanted. well i didn't call him again till sunday night and asked if we could at least have dinner on weds to talk face to face he said sure i got to his job , he's a mechanic, and he gave me n oil change, when he got off we went to see what movies were out. when we got out of the car and during the time that we were driving to them i was uncomfortable becuase i ws not sure what i was suppose to do with the situation, well i got out of the car and after walking a little while next to each other he put his arm around me, during this whole tim nothing came up about our conversation on monday, well we wound up not watching anything so we went to the mall, which we have not done in a while, and walked around, again at first no touching then he would put his arm around me and i would hold his hand, well we went to dinner and he began to talk to me about some problems at his job, big ones, that he hadn't told me before. after dinner he wound up coming to my house. i had to work that night so i left around 11 and didn't see him again till this mornign when i got home b4 he left for work. during the whole time yesterday the only things that came up about our monday night conversation were:

me*so whats going to happen? him*i don't know (and we both ate a chip from our appitizer and in the car i said "im confused" him*me to.

 

i know right now we need our time to deal with our issues but i don' want to leave him. i also don't understand what he is thinking? i'm afraid to bring up the conversation because it seems that he doesn't want to talk about it, maybe act like nothing happened. i don't know what to do.and don't understand whats going on what do you think?

[Beec]

OK, I cannot see all of the issues, but in any realtionship, it begins to head south when one person is not fulfilling the other's EMOTIONAL needs. So the issue really is what are his needs, his feelings, and how do you satisfy them? This is not a sex issue, although for some it may be mostly about sex. For others it can be about having someone rich or beautiful or whatever. For most of us, it is someone who make sus feel special. Guess why long-distance relationships don't work? You are not there as much as you can be to fulfill his emotional needs. Try to recall or figure out what makes him feel special and you will have a better chance.

 

While we want our needs fulfilled, we also want a good deal. Someone who does not make too many demands on our time, money, thoughts, emotions, etc. (Another LDR problem, huh?) That's why we look for people who give us what we need and remain aloof, independent, not needy or clingy.

 

Right now, do not be needy of clingy, give him some time and space, but also elt him know you will do whatever you can to help or support him.

 

Maybe this will help you figure things out.

 

Good luck.

[claudiajrg]

Thanks that does sound like pretty good advice. U are right I am a little more clingy now that he's away and when i finally did talk to him i found out alot more stuff was going wrong with his work then i had any idea. thanks again.

[sbrew21]

I honestly think your man needs space. Just give it to him. This doesn't mean you are breaking up. Guys go through phases. Its kind of like a rubberband affect. They back off, back off , and then when they are at their full stretch they spring back at full force. If you do not let him have his space then you will push him away. Always act independent and keep yourself busy with your friends and jobs. LIke in the last post, do not act needy or clingy and don't panic. They will always come around. I wouldn't call him, let him call you. Let him take the initiative to make plans to meet up with you. Eventually he is going to want to see you. I am sure he has a lot of things to think about. Don't ask him what is wrong and try to not pout when you aren't getting the attention you need if you decide you really want to be with him. Act like you don't care, (I know its really hard.) It will help your relationship.

[claudiajrg]

It is kinda hard but ive been doing the space thing with him. I'm not going to lie some days i called him. But i'm really trying. Guys are strange creatures arn't they? Me and my best friend are planning to go to Vegas in a month and hopefully that will help to show him I can do things without him.....well actually show me I can do things without him. Thanks to you both for explaing that guys need that space. I hope that the Rubberband effect works... that after stretching it springs back instead of POPS Well thank u.

[Beec]

Sometimes we all need space. The values are applied differently for men and women, but the concepts are still the same.

[fellowes7892000]

maybe he's at the point where if there was ever a time to break it off - now would be the easiest, ie.the long distance excuse could make it easier, so if he does decide to stick it out, then that means he's in it for the long run.

What I mean is that right now he is maybe looking at this situation as "I can either make an effort and stay with this girl possibly forever, or I can use this timing as the best way to end it? Do I want to be with her forever???" I think that's maybe one thing he could be trying to sort out. Let him know how serious you are, or if you think he already knows this, then don't push it in his face, this will drive him away.

Be there for him, let him know very clearly that if he wants to talk, then you want to as well. Let him feel like you can be there to help sort things out if he wants that, but remember that some issues need to be resolved just by him and no-one else. That's usually an indicator if a guy is takling something big - they want to sort it out themselves. Guys don't work on big life issues with other people, we naturally like to work them out ourselves. We just need time and understanding during this process, but i know that sucks because you want answers. Whatever you do, don't go trying to second-guess what is going through his head because I can guarantee you'll get it wrong, and that'll only cause you headaches.

 

good luck - keep us posted!!!