Rockyr87 Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 I just got into a new relationship about a week ago. This girl and I had been talking for quite a while and we both realized we had feelings for each other. We had spent the entire day together yesterday and she even stayed the night at my apartment (we didn't have sex). This morning she woke up and was really happy to be with me and before she left for work we kissed and all that good stuff and everything seemed great. Then earlier this evening we were talking via facetime and I've been having some family issues that are extremely stressful and after I started talking to her about it she just said "maybe we should talk later" and that was atabout 8 pm. I tried to talk to her and she texted me stuff like "our relationship isn't okay right now" and "I don't know if we'll make it through this". I asked her if my family problems were part of the reason she was upset and she said partly, but she's never gotten upset with me about it before. Maybe this is just me being optimistic, but she mentioned to me earlier that she'd had a long day at work and was extremely tired so maybe it's just stress from that that's making her upset. What should/can I do here? Am I completely boned? Link to comment
Stay_home Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 Everbody has a bad day, but you're still responsible for the things you say and do. I wonder why in the world she said that about your family? How old is she? Hmmm. I'm not liking her attitude about all of that. Link to comment
tresqua Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 Don't make the mistake of dumping too much personal crap on a new partner. Sometimes it's too much for them to handle and they start wondering if you're high maintenance, especially if they're a bit on the flaky side, and it sounds like you just might have a winner there. You need to back off, give her space, let her come back to you if she's so inclined and if and when she does keep the heavy personal stuff off the table for the time being. Generally speaking, that's the sort of stuff you share when you're in a committed relationship of a few months duration at least. Link to comment
Rockyr87 Posted July 8, 2011 Author Share Posted July 8, 2011 Well it turned out that she called me kinda late and we talked things out. What was bothering her was that I got too caught up in all the bad things that'd happened to me and didn't take the time to appreciate the good. She said that she wasn't going to break up with me in the immediate future and that she'd give me a chance to get my act together and we'd see what happens. I think I came out in the positive here, but I'm not taking it for granted. Link to comment
tresqua Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 She put it right out there for you. You come accross as negative, maybe even miserable. You may not be able to stop feeling that way for now, but fake it so she doesn't see that part of you, at least not until some time has passed and you two have become much closer. That happened to me once. I dated a woman for a week or two. The second date was during a week that I was getting blasted with a lot of legal crap pursuant to my divorce and I was just having a bad day. We had to drive a ways to get to our dinner destination and I unloaded on her on the way back. She couldn't get out of the car fast enough and later on told me the same thing your girl told you. They just don't want to hear it, they don't want to be with a person who has so much negativity in their lives. You gotta balance it out. Link to comment
Rockyr87 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 What did you end up doing? Link to comment
Rockyr87 Posted July 11, 2011 Author Share Posted July 11, 2011 So on Saturday I went to see her at her family's lakehouse thinking that us being together would make things better, but that wasn't the case. To make a long story short, we talked a lot and figured that we're just going to step back and stay friends for now. She thinks that some time apart and just talking the way we used to will help her heal from the damage that's been done. Do you guys think I have a chance? Link to comment
tresqua Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Do you guys think I have a chance? Yes you have a chance. Link to comment
Rockyr87 Posted July 11, 2011 Author Share Posted July 11, 2011 Well I'm going out of town next sunday for about 2 weeks and she believes that when I come back she'll be over it. Would you say that's a fair estimate? Link to comment
tresqua Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Would you say that's a fair estimate? Of what?? .. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Unless I'm reading this wrong, it sounds like you've only been on two dates? Are you sure you're in a relationship at this early stage? It seems like she made a rather quick assessment of your status at this point. Can you tell us her age? Link to comment
Rockyr87 Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 Like when she'll feel better about everything. That's what she was telling me..that she'd feel a lot better about everything when I got back. edit: We were actually friends for a while before we both realized we had feelings for each other. She's 22. I'm not really sure what the big deal about that is. We'd actually been on 3 dates. When she really dropped it on me about how I was acting I realized she was right. I had an extremely cynical attitude and constantly emphasized the negatives about what happened to me. Link to comment
NatashaIsJam Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 The damage that's been done? Was you talking to her about family problems really so heart breaking for her? I'm sorry, but doesn't anyone else think that she might have over reacted? If you were friends before surely you've spoken to her about bad stuff before. I don't understand why a person would react like that and make you feel so bad simply for believing that she would be there for you. Link to comment
SunWorshipper Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 She said that she wasn't going to break up with me in the immediate future and that she'd give me a chance to get my act together The first comment sounds like she expects you to be grateful. The second comment sounds like you should be grateful! + the second part of the this comment as if you are faulty goods.. I accept this may come accross as harsh about her, but I feel she's being a tad arrogant and unrealistic about the fact that you have very real emotions you needed to express. It is important to be positive, but it's equally important to be really honest. I understand what another poster has said about 'dumping' on somebody, especially at the start of a new relationship, but if you're not able to be honest then you could risk losing your true identity as time goes on.. I think this is a very real possibility, because emotional honesty - and it doesn't need to be so heavy it's depressing - is an a major emotional fixer in relationships. Without that glue, your relationship will fall apart, because you'll be forever trying to please her after that and not "do the wrong thing". Also, to follow on from this - I'm more in tandem with 2 sided coin re: thinking about the way she spoke about your family? I feel like she just wants the best without the worst - you can't just be all brightness and smiles (okay, slight exaggeration, but you get my meaning) all day and shut the other more difficult emotions away because she doesn't want to deal with them. I find it refreshing that a person wants to talk abou their real emotions and challenges in life. I think it's just how we do it that counts. Link to comment
SunWorshipper Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I ...constantly emphasized the negatives about what happened to me. Maybe you had a lot of negative things happen to you? Its natural to want to express those feelings, but I think making you feel you're at risk of being dumped for it is unreasonable. There are much more positive ways to respond to you such as: have you talked these things out with the person it concerns? (if that's even possible). Additonally, she has a responsibility to look at herself first before criticsing you - its the gracious thing to do in a relationship in my opinion eg she might have thought before she said those things: "am I perhaps someone who finds it difficult to handle stronger emotions?" - because she could have found a have found the humility in herself to perhaps share that with you and accept her responsibility in wanting to shut down those expressions of emotions in you she didn't like.. & not because they were necessarily really cynical and negative, but becaues she couldnt and maybe also isn't prepared to handle them.. You come as a whole human being - not just as the bit that's nice to be around emotionally. Sorry if this seems harsh towards her, but I think you are being too hard on yourself.. Link to comment
SunWorshipper Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 The damage that's been done? Was you talking to her about family problems really so heart breaking for her? I'm sorry, but doesn't anyone else think that she might have over reacted? If you were friends before surely you've spoken to her about bad stuff before. I don't understand why a person would react like that and make you feel so bad simply for believing that she would be there for you. I totally agree with you NIJ. Link to comment
Rockyr87 Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 Ok sorry to resurrect this thread, but something else has happened that doesn't make sense to me. Last week her and I talked a lot and right now I'm out of town and am supposed to come back on Saturday and she was telling me last week how much she wanted to see me, but lately when I've tried to call her it's gone steaight to voicemail and she won't respond to my texts. I don't really know what I did to get this sort of treatment..but I guess my question now is should I move on? Link to comment
Tresha Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 If it goes straight to voicemail, it is not ringing on her end. Maybe dead battery or dead zone or crappy service provider problems. How out of town are you? Out of the country? The middle of a lake? Very rural area? Next to industrial or a mall? There are tons of places that get crappy crappy crappy service. As far as the rest of this, it has only been a few dates and the constant discussions of feelings and where this is going is way too much for this stage. This is supposed to be the lighthearted fun stage. You've been depressed/negative and she's been a flaky snotty child as far as I can tell. Granted, we only have one side and only snippets, but just back off and let things flow naturally ... don't push it. I'm not sure why you want to turn this "best friend" into a girlfriend anyway. She doesn't sound right for you in that capacity and you will almost certainly lose the best friend in this deal. Link to comment
tresqua Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 You say that "lately" your calls go right to voicemail. How long has it been since you spoke to her? If it's a day or two, maybe three, then I wouldn't jump so fast. If it's getting close to a week, well you've got a problem for sure. She sounds like she was a bit of a flake right from the very start, none of this is a big surprise. Link to comment
Rockyr87 Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 I actually talked to her sister on Facebook earlier and she told me that she backed off from me to let me deal with my mom's passing (the emotional problem I referenced earlier) in my own way and she didn't want me to connect with her like that (I guess as a coping mechanism). I guess last week when I talked to her she felt like I was putting too much pressure on her to be there for me. We aren't together right now so I guess I did go a little beyond what's normal or whatever. I can't really tell from seeing that if she still wants to be with me or if I should just forget it and move on. Link to comment
tresqua Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 Looks like you have your answer. You're going through a tough time with mom's death, and you're leaning on her and she's just not ready or willing to give you that level of support and she's backing off. Unfortunately she's not there for you when you really need someone to support you which is one of those really great things about having a significant other in your life, and you are running the real risk of losing her altogether. So back off, don't get into your grieving with her if and when she contacts you again. Sadly it appears that you are going to be grieving two losses at once. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 Well it turned out that she called me kinda late and we talked things out. What was bothering her was that I got too caught up in all the bad things that'd happened to me and didn't take the time to appreciate the good. She said that she wasn't going to break up with me in the immediate future and that she'd give me a chance to get my act together and we'd see what happens. I think I came out in the positive here, but I'm not taking it for granted. I'd break up with this loser. Horrible attitude she has towards you. What a supportive partner. She needs to be more understanding - so what if you take time to feel the negative of your situation? This isn't candyland. Get your act together? So you're on probabtion? Have fun. Link to comment
Rockyr87 Posted July 31, 2011 Author Share Posted July 31, 2011 This morning I saw she posted this on Facebook: "I found my imagination again. Love is patient". What does that mean? Link to comment
tresqua Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 My take on it.. It means she's in a good emotional place and she realizes that the "right guy" is out there somewhere and he's worth waiting for. Link to comment
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