What should I do now??

[confused4now]

This is my second post. My first one was "I feel like I mean nothing to him anymore." Well now there's a new problem. I talked to my ex (who I was with for 4 years), the other day. I had to ask him if he still loves me because I got the feeling that he was just pretending to care for me and love me for teh last couple of weeks. He said that he still loves me and said that I act like he completely forgot about me. And that's exactly how I feel, that he forgot about me and what we went through together in our 4 years together. We had worked through him cheating on me twice and breaking up with me for another girl. And I thought that we had a good thing going. Well when he broke up with me he said "Did you really think that we'd be together forever" and I was speechless. But when I went to get my stuff the next day, he acted like nothing was wrong. And this confused me some more. PLus the fact that his friend's (who I am also friend's with) are almost as confused as I am. And he doesn't talk to them about his feeling and hasn't mentioned me. But when I was at his house he still had my picture's up. When I talked to him the other day and asked him why we broke up, he said that he felt like we were growing apart. What does this mean?? Seriously, that seems like the excuse that everyone uses when they don't want to tell you the truth. Another downfall is that during the time that I was with him, I lost almost all of my friend's. I put the relationship over them and now I feel lost and don't know whta to do. If anyone could give me some advice it would really help a lot. Whst should I do??

[jimb2k]

Hi there,

 

I understand your pain and grief as if you have read my posts you will see I am also on the wrong side of a relationship breakup. All I can advise you is to be strong. By that I mean reaching deep down inside and finding your inner strength. You need to show him you are able to cope with this situation, and that you can live without him. Human nature is a funny thing. Two humans together create opposing forces. One is push and the other is retreat. If you keep pushing him it will only make him retreat. What you need to do is stop pushing and put yourself in reverse. That way you have turned around and walked in the opposite direction which should make him stop retreating and take a small step back towards you.

 

Sometimes people can become bored of a relationship, bored of the same old routine. This boredem can make people think they have fallen out of love with someone when sometimes they are just plain bored to death of the relationship. They then make a conscious decision that they must leave their comfortable lifestyle, their relationship and seek a change to bring some exictement back into their lives. You need to let him seek this change in order for his true feelings for you to show. He needs to feel his love for you freely and not have it demanded from him. If you keep pushing him then he will never be free to feel this love for you. He will constantly be in a pulling away mode. If he calls or texts you don't answer. Make it look like you are just soooooo busy with your new singlehood. When you do eventually answer him keep the conversations light and cheery. Never tell him that you love him or ask him if he loves you as this will just make him retreat again. Always keep the conversation below 10 minutes and always be the first to end the call. That way you are taking the power back. If you let him take over the conversation and let him decide how long the call is going to be i.e by letting him finish the call he will become bored again. He will feel that he has you. People like challenges as challenges are exciting. Put him on the begging end of the relationship for a while. Make him want your love as much as you want his but always do it in a friendly cheery way. Never, ever attack his pride. This will only make him stand up and defend himself against you.

 

When people leave a relationship they do it because it is making them unhappy for some reason it is dragging them down. They will be naturally attracted to anybody who is happy and who will make them happy. If you are sad and depressed it will make him flee. You need to show him that you are having blast without him and that you can cope without him. This should make him take another small step back towards you.

 

These are just the basics. There is a lot more stuff I could go into but I would be here all day typing. Use my guidance if you wish as that is all it is guidance and advice. Only you can make the decision on how you are going to deal with this but let me ask you this one question: Is what you are doing now working?

 

I am not saying that your relationship is over and I'm not saying that you will get back together. Nobody knows that answer but I do know that you have to be willing to let someone go before you can gain them back.

 

If you hold a life prisoner its only desire is to be free.

 

You need to be patient as impatience is your enemy.

You need to be strong as weakness is your enemy.

You need to be happy as sadness is your enemy.

You need to trust that everything is going to be okay no matter what as fear is your enemy.

 

Hope this helps.

[paul475]

...your neediness just pours all over the screen.

 

You have, like many folks, serious issues with abandonment and betrayal.

 

Your concerns and confusion are the same ones you had as a child, and you still addressing them in a childish manner, with childish values that do not apply in an adult reality.

 

I'm not saying this to be mean, really. There's a little girl inside of you that you keep abandoning, ignoring and betraying who does not trust you at all. Yet she is pulling all of the levers when it comes to your partnership selection criteria.

 

You need to get to know her well, and to become her trusted best friend. Time alone outside of a relationship is the best way to accomplish this. It may feel threatening and like you are dying, but that is just this abandoned little girl who is terrified of dying, starving and being abandoned. Again.

 

If you don't think you are worth spending time alone with, why should anyone else bother??