Why the Ex Comes Back Just as We Move On

[heartsick]

I thought it would be interesting and fun to get some thoughts going (both from those who have done the "dumping" and regretted it....as well as those who were dumped and later found their ex's regretted the decision (regardless of whether or not they still wanted them)).....about why EX's always seem to only come back ONCE they know/believe that we have moved on from them.

 

This idea is largely popularized in most movies about singles (Think Swingers...."That's when she'll call..."; High Fidelity, etc.) but seems to often actually play out in real life.

 

As one who is desperately trying to move on with my life ....and yet secretly waiting that my ex(who broke up our 14 year friendship and 2 year pre-engagement love on the very same day that he lost his job) may one day turn around and realize that he tossed the best thing and best friend that he ever had out the door...and it was all his choosing. I know he sees me as a very strong person, has great respect and love for me, and is adamantly adhering to NC because HE cannot bear to be around me and doesn't want to experience the rollercoaster of emotions he'd have. When we first got together, he often said that he thought it was a bit of male competition that finally drove him to it. He said that the whole time we were friends, he knew I wanted more and he could probably always have it if he wanted it. Once he realized I was serious abt. getting into a relationship that could lead to marriage, he decided to make it a go. Now, I'm hopeful that his loss of job and the frustration that grew up around that in our relationship led to a place where we had to break the cycle....and he realized that better than me. Rather than "keep me on a string," i want to believe he's trying to do the right thing and think "i can't keep her waiting when I'm not in a place to give her what i want."

 

Still.....is it possible that at the moment that he really sees me moving on (and he feels better about his future and what he'll next do), the "competition" and feelings of love/regret will come back. is this what makes the Ex's so often change their minds.

 

Really....there are plenty of people on this board who have had the experience of dumping or being dumped and finding that the Ex later comes back (either b/c they want a new relationship or at least the friendship). At one point do they do this....and why ?

 

Quite frankly, if he ever breaks NC with me and wants to sit down and talk...i'll be extremely pleasant and light and say yes, but at some point, I will ask him (in an open and non-threatening way)...."help me to understand what has changed for you....after 7-9-12 weeks (however long it is), what is different now?"

 

I'm looking forward to hearing some perspectives.

[Hopingpraying]

Heartsick,

 

I can totally relate to what you are saying, and I do believe at some point my wife will realize her mistake. I doubt she ever actually tells me about it, but I believe that she will come to this realization. The reason I believe this is because while somebody else may be able to treat her like I did, possibly even better the odds of her finding that person are remote. I certainly know I am not the best looking, nicest guy, with the most romantic outlook, but I also know I am not the worst. I would say I am in the upper percentile (doesn't everyone think that?)

 

I still hold out some form of hope that she will come back. She moved out on the date I joined this forum, Feb. 14th... That was one heck of a Valentines day let me tell you.

 

I don't know if this does much to clarify what you are asking, I don't believe it does, but I just wanted to say I feel the same as you do about this. I believe that once I have moved on she will want me back.

 

Relationships are so much work!!!

[Mun]

Hi Heartsick,

I have to agree with you. Hopefully once your ex gets his life back on track and starts feeling good about himself again he will look you up. I think it's a hard thing for a man (and anyone) to lose his job just when things are settling down in his life. Of course it would affect his whole outlook. He may even feel like he has to let you go for now because he is not "together."

 

I do hope things work out. In the meantime continue to live well. He has to work this out himself.