Seeing my ex for the first time since break up! Please Help

[Rebecca81]

Ok everybody,

 

Some of you know the story. Dan and I dated for 5 months, discovered we were soul mates and then broke up because I lied to him about several trivial things...nothing to do with another guy, etc. just some insecurities I had about myself. It's been about 2 1/2 weeks and we've communicated a few times. During our conversations he says how awful and incomplete he feels without me, etc. I feel the same. He says he still loves me and misses me, but he's still healing.

 

So, currently I emailed him and let it out about how this "space" thing is eating me up inside. I put it out there that I'd like to stop by and see him. He emailed me back the same day and said he's been having a terrible time with the space thing too, and that he'd like to have seen me. (Except he went out of town). He said he'll call me when he gets back from his trip (tuesday night) and that he'd really like to see me.

 

I am freaking out here!!! Besides wondering what the hell I'm going to say to him when I see his beautiful face, I just hope he follows through and we make plans. Bottom line---we are so incredibly in love with each other and we need to be together. I am soooo nervous.

 

Please give some advice

 

Love,

Becca

 

_________________

Princess Becca

[Vert]

Becca,

Sounds like things might be going in the right direction for you then. Just stay strong and be confident.

 

I am about to run into the same thing as you are. My ex-gf gets back from Europe tomorrow, and then she's supposed to call me later this week for when I can come to visit her (I'm moving away and she lives 2 1/2 hours from here so it's a go-for-broke visit). I am basically visiting her to find out if she wants to break it off for good (NC rule) or if she wants to give us another try.

 

Pray for me and I'll do the same for you .

[DragonGirl724]

dont be nervous. be happy he feels the same way. i would just go with the flow. id be more excited than anything else. i cant wait for the day my ex & i have this talk if we ever do have this talk. good luck, things will be fine. im sure wearing something really cute wont hurt hehehe. maybe bring him a flower or teddy bear. be sure to address everything that bothers the both of u, & share tears & thoughts. be sure not to hold back anything. youre a lucky gal. a second chance at love is a wonderful thing. i saw my ex twice since breakup once by chance & the other i stopped by both times went real well, (both happened in the past 4 days) the 2nd time he & i were alone & it was a lot of fun had laughs goodtimes.

 

i dunno if u 2 were intimate prior to breakup, but i dunno if sex on this encounter is appropriate. i think itll be too much to take in in one sitting.

 

-DG724

[Michael2]

My best advice is be careful.

 

There is some good advice here, but in regards to the teddy bear or a small gift, bad idea. You do not want to overwhelm him. You have to ask yourself this, does he want to see me because he loves me, or because he is lonely.

 

If it is the latter, then guard your hurt.

[Rebecca81]

Thanks for the advice.

 

Honestly, I don't feel he wants to see me because of lonliness. Our breakup was not necessary and I think he realizes that. No doubt, I was in the wrong for hurting him, but some relationships aren't worth bailing on. I am just so nervous.

 

I think I'll take the advice and get a new outfit, but I'll pass on the gift. Any other ideas or advice???

 

Princess

[Michael2]

Do not come off as needy, that is one.

 

Act as if your life is fine without him. I know it may be an act, but you have to see his true colors.

[DragonGirl724]

how about you dont 'ACT' ANYTHING! dont put on any fronts. i am so anti-acting when it comes to stuff that matters. i think hey if u want to cry go ahead & cry if u dont u dont, just speak from your heart, you can never go wrong. dont cover up anything. you have the opportunity to free yourself from this weight thats been on your shoulders, so let it all out. if he loves u & is ready to make it work, he will feel the same way. go with your gut & be confident in all u say & do. dont ever feel u have to cover your feelings for anyone for any reason, b/c I DID & a previous boyfriend passed away before i got to tell him how i felt!!! dont do what i did. you will regret it. speak from your heart & let all else speak for itself. take care. please take this advice. live life with no regrets, if's , and's or but's. 'shoulda' 'coulda' 'woulda' & 'what if's' are the worst feelings in the world! best of luck im sure everything will go very smoothly. u both seem to care about eachother very much & u both had time apart to think this over.

 

-DG724

[DragonGirl724]

Do not come off as needy, that is one.

 

Act as if your life is fine without him. I know it may be an act, but you have to see his true colors.

 

i agree dont come off needy, but i totally DISAGREE WITH THE REST OF YOUR STATEMENT. how do u expect to see HIS true colors when YOU'RE puttin up a front?? u both need to be open & honest, screw these methods its all BS!! speak from your heart. dont put on an act for no one b/c he may do the same to you, then where does that get u?!?!? nowhere fast thats where! honesty is the only way you'll know if this is real SCREW THE 'STRATEGIES'!! they are mostly just manipulative & false.

 

-DG724

[Michael2]

Dragon girl,

 

You are saying two and a half weeks is enough time. I highly doubt that.

 

They are both lonely, once they see eachtother, yeah they may be lovey dovey and all that good stuff, but once that wares off, teh same problems resurface. He gets bored, dumps her and she is back on these boards. Will you tell her the same things you told her now. Tell her true feelings, telling her to be herself and pour her heart out is risky so say the least.

 

No they are NOT manipulative and false. THey are a way of protecting one's heart.

Okay, she begs and pours her heart out. Things go awesome. But , guess what, two weeks later, the calls stop, the emails cease and he declares he wants his space AGAIN.

 

This is a case of loneliness, he is lonely, and so is she. They get together, the void is filled on his part, he backs off. LEaving her hurt and having to deal with the breakup again.

 

Dragon girl, what happened to your ex was tragic and I am sorry you had to deal with it. But, to be honest, your situation does not relate to the average breakup.

[shockeddismayed]

Princess...

 

You are in a great position...

 

Now get out there this weekend and do the things that make you happy... that make you confident.... and then do them again.

 

When you meet him, take Micheal's advice. Tread lightly, slowly and let HIM lead the conversation. Don't disclose your feelings.. .and when he does, disclose yours too... but always one notch below his. For example... if he says he misses you, don't tell him you love him... tell him it has been tough not to speak to him when nice things happen in your life (he doesn't need to know that nothing nice has happened since the breakup lol... ).

 

The reason you need to play this little game (and I am sorry but it IS a game) is that he did not behave rationally when he threw you away. The risk is that he MAY not be behaving rationally yet. If you put any pressure on him at all, it may drive him away again. Your attitude needs to be confident, self-assured, and keeping the door open without saying it verbally.

 

You won't stay in this place long, but you need to play this game until he becomes 100% sure of his emotions... it may take some time... so prepare for a rollercoaster.

 

Now.. after all of that said... why are you going to be confident? Well it is simple... your guy misses you... what more do you need.

 

You are regaining some power here... don't give it back until he is worthy of your complete trust.

[Michael2]

Said perfectly by S&D

[shockeddismayed]

Just saw the exchange btwn Dragongirl and Micheal.

 

they both make good points...

 

I am not for putting up a false front at all... however I AM for putting a DELAY on your true feelings.

 

Think about it... he is missing you... he fears he's made a mistake... he thinks he might lose you. But deep down he is still curious about his own space... he is a bundle of confused emotions. He is scared.

 

If the first thing you do is declare your undying love... you tell him you will wait forever and give him all the space he needs.. what is he likely to do?

 

What would you do if someone said "hey, go date other people, sow your wild oats, I will be here when you get back".

 

I'm NOT saying that is his motivation, but whatever the reason, it won't have gone 100% away in such a short time.... thereforeeee this next period is critical... you need to act in a way that will get him coming back to you. No pressure... No comittment... No emotional pushes... just be yourself... be friendly..... flirt but do not SAY or disclose.

 

Imagine you are on a first date... behave accordingly (would you cry on a first date, or declare your undying love?!?!? I think not) and you will be fine.

[DragonGirl724]

i didnt see at first that it was only 2 & 1/2 weeks. that doesss change some of my previous post now that i re-read it. i thought it was longer than that. speak from ur heart but this may just be b/c he is lonely & misses you. my most recent ex wanted to see me after a month i thought it maybe a good thing but i was skeptical & im glad i was. he MISSED how much fun i am & MISSED being able to be flirty w/ me & all the perks to a relationship, well some of the perks. if i were u i woudnt kiss him, i did thinkin maybe it will trigger something but at the end of the nite we both went our separate ways...be careful but be honest. i would spend a long time mentally preparing for this encounter. & dont expect much. the more u expect chances are u will be let down. good luck, stay strong.

 

-DG724

[Michael2]

Exactly dragon, don't expected to much.