Money Problems

[yeahlori]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and we live together. Our washer and dryer broke so he suggested we go to the laundry mat today. I said ok but I said I didn't have any money and he got all pissed off because he has to pay for it. He sped and drove wrecklessly all the way to the laundry mat. We are both pretty much broke and our jobs aren't giving enough hours. I try to get all the extra hours I can though. And he usually comes up short on other bills and I will understand I cover for him when I can.

 

I am just baffled at how pissed he got over this. He didn't even actually say anything to me, he just drove crazy and started slamming stuff around. It's hard for me to talk to him about things because he freezes up and refuses to talk.

[Batya33]

That sounds like abusive behavior to me. Has he acted in this way before?

[mouseno4]

I kinda dont think it is you he is pissed at. Lack of money is a big problem in a number of ways. Unfortunately, rage consumes us and makes us do irrational things.

 

Yep still dont think its aimed at you. If it was, he would have yelled at you instead.

[yeahlori]

That sounds like abusive behavior to me. Has he acted in this way before?

 

Yes unfortunately. It's been getting better though.

 

I kinda dont think it is you he is pissed at. Lack of money is a big problem in a number of ways. Unfortunately, rage consumes us and makes us do irrational things.

 

Yep still dont think its aimed at you. If it was, he would have yelled at you instead.

 

That's a possibility. I mean he knows I work over whenever I can. I've even been actively looking for a second job. I have been telling him how low I am on money for the past week. I told him yesterday I only had a couple of bucks left when we bought flea collars for the cats, and he acted like it was fine. Then today he asks me to pull some money out of my account and acts all surprised when I say I have none? I don't get it.

 

Later today when he cools down I will ask him what was up with his behavior.

[SayWhen]

I don't think he's upset with you...I think he's anxious/stressed from financial troubles and that is manifesting in negative actions. Still, this is unacceptable behavior and you need to communicate how you are feeling. Has he also been actively looking for a better/additional job?

[mouseno4]

Rage is like a steam engine. Its hard to cool down once you get started. The only way is to slowly find an outlet. Some have a punching bag in their house to whack until it makes you feel better. Others hit balls into a net with a bat. Most girls, tend to run their problems into the ground - via treadmill or around the area where they live.

 

I think your boyfriend needs to find a safer outlet for his rage. Worst thing would be to accidentally take his frustrations out on the closest object - you. They have a problem and cant solve it...

[PaintWithLight]

Yes unfortunately. It's been getting better though.

 

Later today when he cools down I will ask him what was up with his behavior.

 

It never gets better, only better disguised. He has an anger problem and feels it is okay to rage on you. Worse, he seems to act out with whatever is handy... driving like an idiot if he is in a car, .... has he ever kicked things, thrown things, became physical?

 

That's a possibility. I mean he knows I work over whenever I can. I've even been actively looking for a second job. I have been telling him how low I am on money for the past week. I told him yesterday I only had a couple of bucks left when we bought flea collars for the cats, and he acted like it was fine. Then today he asks me to pull some money out of my account and acts all surprised when I say I have none? I don't get it.

 

You both sound very young and very unprepared for the expenses and stresses of living on your own. I know the idea is that 2 can live as cheaply as one but how did you decide to pick him as a roommate? I am guessing that the two of you fell into this situation without much planning or discussion. You are living paycheck to paycheck and you have multiple pets? Do you have a monthly budget that you share or do you just hope that the money or extra hours will arrive in time each month.

 

Living independent is expensive and requires skills. Sharing this process with a rager who feels he can dump on you whenever he feels you deserve it is not a recipe for success. Rethink how you arrived at your selection of him as a boyfriend and roommate. I think you overlooked some big red flags. This is about more than the money issues. Good luck.

[Mephisto13]

Finances can put undo stress on a relationship. And given that your boyfriend keeps all his anger pent up inside (except for displaying his frustrations while driving that time) isn't very helpful. He isn't mad at you specifically. He's mad that there isn't enough money. He might be mad at the situation as well (he thought you had money but didn't) but essentially it's because of the lack of funds.

 

I'd sit down with him and try to plan out a budget together. Remember that it's not any one person's problem (no blame game here) but if you both want to live together without this stress, you have to work it out as a couple. Try and both get more hours at work, else look for a second job. You have to communicate with each other (which might be tough given that your BF is like me, keeps everything inside) but once it's out there and you BOTH are working towards having a little extra cash on the side...it should get better.

 

When you start to see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's a nice feeling and you build on it.

 

Good luck!

[Batya33]

This is great advice but I would prioritize the discussion about appropriate reactions to stress and anger and see where you get with that. If he thinks the way he endangered your lives and treated you is appropriate or justifiable the discussion about finances and budgeting may not even be necessary.

[yeahlori]

So it turns out....he was actually mad at me. He says that I shouldn't have paid my phone bill because we need gas money and laundry money more. I had to borrow more money from my dad today to pay off my cell phone bill and he asked me to just not pay it so we can eat for the rest of the week and get to work. He says my priorities are all screwed up because I supposedly put my cell phone bill before things we actually need. He's mad that he had to pay for my laundry at all.