Why Does She Keep Me Secret

[IanHeather]

We were boyfriend/girlfriend in the 1960's.

Family circumstances separated us (me to different Country) but we have met up again in 2010.

She is divorced (about 15 years ago), and has lost her most recent partner to cancer in the last two years.

I live some 450 miles from her, and have visited her about eight times to date, staying on average 4-5 days only.

We have a fantastic sex life together, and we enjoy great happiness together. (Confirmed by her)

She has a Son, her Sister lives about four miles from her and she has many friends in her area.

She refuses to tell anyone of our repatriation, even refusing to answer the door or telephone when I am there in case it would reveal my presence/existence.

My visits are arranged (by her) to minimise the prospect of her Son arriving unexpectedly.

What should I do?

[ferna3069]

well she has a soon maybe the soon can be the jelous over protective soon, there is alot of possibilities are you sure shes not with any one else?

[DN]

Why don't you feel comfortable asking her this question?

[20sgal88]

You mentioned her last partner died within the past two years. Perhaps she is struggling with that grief and feels guilty for having "moved on" so soon. She obviously enjoys your company and is undoubtedly satisfied your relationship was rekindled but for whatever reason she's not comfortable mingling you with her life she’s built the past 50 or so years.

 

She's happy with your relationship and the benefits it brings but is afraid of what sort of repercussions this will have on her son, evidently. Perhaps she’s afraid of his disapproval or maybe doesn’t want to be bothered with having to explain herself and her inner conflicts.

 

I can understand where she’s coming from to a point, but that seems pretty selfish of her. I know if I were in your situation, I wouldn’t appreciate being treated like an object; something that produces gratification but then must be quickly stowed away.

 

This obviously bothers you enough for you to seek advice from others, so I’d tell her how you feel and say you don’t like living in the shadows. I’d first ask her why she’s doing this and then give her your take on her reasons. From there, maybe you can work something out and try to meet somewhere in the middle.

 

Maybe introduce you to her son slowly? Reveal pieces of information to him a little bit at a time. Just to give him time to digest. Not that your intent is deception, but you’re adults and allowed to do whatever you want at the same time not making waves.

[IanHeather]

well she has a soon maybe the soon can be the jelous over protective soon, there is alot of possibilities are you sure shes not with any one else?

 

Thanks for your response.

Her Son probably knows, or is at least suspicious, as he has been to the house during one of my stays and could not fail to see my laptop and clothes laying about.

 

He is, apparently, very laid back and unlikely to question his Mother.

 

I am fairly confident there is no one else around due to the regularity of our communications and openness with what she is doing.

[IanHeather]

Why don't you feel comfortable asking her this question?

 

We have, "sort of" discussed the subject, but no really conclusive outcome materialised.

 

She simply says she does not feel it necessary for her life to be made known, and does not see why she has to explain herself to others.

[IanHeather]

Hi 20sgal88, and many thanks for such a detailed and helpful response.

 

Although obviously in full rememberance of her last relationship, she assures me she has "moved on".

 

She is quite an independent person, and although chaotic and very dis-organised, still very capable.

I think, over the years, she has been "put down" by her family and her Ex husband, so that may have some bearing on it.

 

From what I have learned about her Son, I don't think he would really be that bothered.

 

You are absolutely correct in your statement about gratification and then being stowed away.

That is exactly how it feels, and I often "joke" with her along the lines that I must be "The Best Kept Secret" of all times.

I do think her actions are selfish.

 

I am scheduled to visit with her again soon, the dates to be arranged so that I am not there at the weekend in case her Son turns up unexpectedly, so perhaps this might be the "time" to have it out with her and state my disappointment with her secrecy.

 

Many thanks for your advice, I think you summed up the situation brilliantly.

 

Ian

[20sgal88]

I'm glad you found my advice to be helpful. Good luck to you. I wish you the best.

 

I'm a firm believer in the golden rule. You have to treat other people as you would like to be treated; and one of the first people this rule should apply to is your significant other. I don't think anyone enjoys to be on the short end of the stick, her included.

[Moneypenny]

Hi Ian

 

She simply says she does not feel it necessary for her life to be made known, and does not see why she has to explain herself to others.

 

I am in an LDR and I can relate to the above statement by your SO 100%. I'll try to explain what she may mean...sorry if this post is too long.

 

My SO and I joke about being a 'Secret Society of Two'. Being in an LDR is a delicate and complicated matter, and deeply personal. The Long Distance concept does not always 'make sense' to family/friends. In my experience other people always want to know what the future outcome is going to be. They are full of well meaning questions, not to mention voicing their opinions, or feeling the need to give (unasked for) advice. It becomes exhausting having to explain the same thing over and over; 1) because it's way too personal; and 2) it's not any of their business.

 

I kept my 18 month LDR a 'secret' except for two very close friends, because I don't have all the answers to other people's questions. I have recently returned from a visit to my SO in Australia. I live in the UK. So my LDR is no longer a secret. I've since been inundated with questions like "so, is he coming to visit you in the summer?"; "when are you moving?"; or, "will he be moving to the UK?" How do I begin to explain that my LDR is not straight forward. I don't have the answers yet. Things move far more slowly than in a 'normal' relationship. An LDR can be emotionally exhausting enough to maintain without all the questions.

 

I don't feel it necessary to make my personal life known to everyone, and I certainly don't have to explain myself to others. People do tend to gossip and have their own opinions. An LDR is hard work and it certainly won't thrive under any unnecessary external pressure.

 

Take it slowly and pace yourself accordingly. Above all, respect where she is coming from.

 

I hope this is helpful. This is just my take on things.