I want my wife back after 18 years of marriage

[joejoe]

My wife and I have recently separated after 18 years. She was upset when a counselor, who told her after she had called him to talk about me once again, said that she needed to begin to work on her stuff (he suggested sexual counseling with another counselor) as he gave me several books to read and I have done everything he has suggested. She was so mad that she felt that I had persuaded him to be on "my side" (I have always been on OUR side). I know this sounds confusing but let me say where we are now.

 

When we first separated (4 months ago) I became so upset that I couldn't sleep. I began to have a couple of drinks at bedtime. This turned into 4-5. I have since stopped drinking. At first she said that was one of the reasons she wanted to separate. Now that I am not drinking that isn't the reason anymore. BTW, there have been no affairs. She just finished her degree after going back to school. We have had some problems in the sexual area; she saying her sex drive was low. (I am trying to cover a lot of info here).

 

Anyway, I think that I may have been too clingy (she has told me this) and she is VERY independent. I truly want to win her back but the more I tell her I love her the more she seems to pull back. For now I am not calling her or emailing her.

 

I hope all of this makes sense!

Thanks for any advice

[american dream]

Good you are on the right track. If she says you were being clingy then give her that space. Hard as hell, I know, but you have to. Keep it up, and any contact you do have keep it informal, try to be fun, and DON'T bring up relationship stuff. Hope that helps brother.

[joejoe]

Good you are on the right track. If she says you were being clingy then give her that space. Hard as hell, I know, but you have to. Keep it up, and any contact you do have keep it informal, try to be fun, and DON'T bring up relationship stuff. Hope that helps brother.

 

Thanks for your comments!

 

I would add that she doesnt want to talk at all unless she wantd to tell me something. this is really hard.

[stream]

hi

I am in college and learning about a type of therapy called Relational-cultural model and I think it might apply to your situation very well. This model is based on the feminist perspective that people grow to maturity through those relationship in which they are able to connect and invest their themselves in, among others, intimacy, authenticity, mutuality. Coupled with the basic understanding that for anyone who has grown up in even a minutely dysfunctional home the methods we learned to get our needs of affiliation, connection, love and validation are going to be skewed. Often times showing up as defense systems that cause us to push for disconnection at the time when we are most in need of connection (though sometimes it is a connection with ourselves that is needed and not others). I don't want to get hurt. I could really use a hug, but because I am afriad of being labeled needy I am going to do what I know pushes you away. I don't know if this helps? I would suggest getting into therapy with someone who is practicing this method so that when and if the opportunity comes for your wife to come back into connection with you there will be a clean healthy space for that to happen in. Maybe too, keep in mind that the boundaries we set with loved one are points where we are meeting and sharing of ourselves in a very vulnerable way. So though the boundaries she has set are hard they are representative of a space that you are sharing together.

stream

[joejoe]

That makes a lot of sense. I will look into it.

 

Thanks Much!