Should I Just Let Her Go?

[optimistic]

If anyone has any advice, I'd like to here whatever you got to say...

 

This is a long post..............

 

My amazing girlfriend for 4 and half years just (3 weeks ago) came back from her first 2 week visit to the states. A week at work and a week seeing friends etc.. Here's the killer... when she came back I was going to propose to her !!

 

When she came back, she was completely different with me. Very cold, short answers and being both usually very tactile people, no touching holding hands or anything. In bed she was cold too and right on the other side of the bed.. at night I found myself going to bed before her and she would stay up on the PC till 3 or 4 am before coming to join me, once I went to get her and she was really angry with me for pulling her away.. After a week of this I began to suspect she had met someone in the US and hand maybe had a fling or something, so for the first time in our time together I snooped on her PC login and checked her email.

 

What I found was that she had been having lots of emails which were not so innocent at all in description, with a guy she had met in her American based office. The things I read litterally made me go into the garden and throw up !!

 

I decided I would write a journal about each day I had snooped on her and and put the time on it everytime something happened. The next day, I told her we had to talk and met her after work. I asked her lots of questions which I knew the truth to and watched her look at me right in the eyes and lie to me about this guy and other things.. She kept saying she wanted to get us back on track and our realtionship was very important.

 

I did this for 4 nasty days with the journal listening to how cruel she had become in the things she was saying to me and the way she was reacting with me when I finally found an email proving that she was planning on getting this guy over from the states to meet up and... well you can guess the rest..

 

On the 4th day I emailed this guy and my girfriend together on one email saying, print this 10 page document off, go for a walk and read it, read all of it as you both owe me that. I also asked the guy to call me that day as I had a lot of unanswered questions that I needed answers to and said if he didn't call me I would call him. Then I left work early trying to work it all out in my head..

 

Later in the day he called me. He explained he had a wife and 3 kids and that he was having problems. He had met my girl at a business dinner where they sat next to each other, she had talked about our problems to him and he discussed his family problems to her, they connected and were attracted to each other. She had asked him for help about moving to the US office and that was how the emails started, very innocently, then got cheeky, fresh and then I read what I had read. He said that it was enacting a fantasy, but if he had come to where we live he would have persued his fantasys with my girl. He said the journal upset him and that he would only speak to her from now on on a professional level and woudl break all other contact.......... Great.. I appreciated the call...

 

Things in the past year have been a bit bumpy with me and my girl, but nothing in my opinion that could not be fixed with a bit of work, and inmy opinion it is the best relationship in the world... we are/were soulmates..

 

After all this we are now just friends. We are letting our apartment go and she is moving to the US without me... that's her plan. Everything I do to get us back on track is pushing her further and further away from me and now she says we are "good friends" and she loves me like a brother !

 

Obviously this is a big mover for her, a heartbreaking one for me and I know a split is inevitable. I just feel so helpless and there is nothing I can do. I am hoping 4500 miles and 3-6 months away from each other may make her realise what we actually had was fantastic and we can't live without each other.. If I am honest with myself I believe I have lost her and I just don't know what to do.

 

I once was told "If you love someone, let them go. If they come back they are yours forever"

 

I have no idea where to go or what to do and I am fed up crying all the time. Can anyone give me sone advice..........please??

[africannomad]

Sorry for that. It must be pretty tough. I`ve also just lost someone who I am extremely commited to and was left for another. We live in a small city and our work is interconnected at times so I run into them on occasion. I tried really hard for one month to make her see reason, pleading, painting pictures of us together - I even got on a plane and chased a bit. To no avail; I think when someone has made up their mind to end it, that is more or less it. Pursuing a person just really drives them away. I`ve broken off all contact with this lady and am letting her go. It is the ultimate expression of love one can show I suppose. If I were you, I would do the same. My ex had told me that she needed 6 months to sort through things and I readily agreed (this happened about 2 weeks); however, she spends a lot of time with this new love. I found that I really need to just let her go, wish them well and wish her the happiness that she deserves. Tough no doubt, but I see no other viable or right course for me to take. Take a week or so to get some distance from your situation, don`t do or say anything that pops into your head for the time being. Maybe she will come back, maybe you will take her back, maybe her and this guy will live forever in bliss, but you need to move on and do it as quickly as you can or you will delay your helaing over a longer period.

 

Bonne Chance

[Alien777]

Hi Optimistic

Yes it is certainly heart-breaking and sad to loose someone that you spent so much time with in the way that you did, but there are a few things to bear in mind. Your g/f was not honest with you, if you did not follow up on your suspitions who knows what she could have done, maybe she could have even left without saying goodbye...who knows. Another thing to remember is that she has moved many miles away to be with someone that she claims that she is 'attracted' to and has 'connected' with. Is this is really the one for her and she is happy? I suppose one should be happy for her - even though she has caused you so much pain. But now what happens if things dont go well for them...then she moved far away only to realise that there was someone that really cared for her whom she treated badly.

All I can say is yes it is painful, yes it is unnessecary to go through and yes she did lie to you, but in the end you are going to be better off for it and one day she will realise what a terrible mistake she made...

Hope I helped in some way

Take care and good luck

0X

[optimistic]

africannomad and alien777......... thanks for taking the time to answer me..

 

It's just so painful to let go. What we had at it heights was like nothing anyone else has had... I've never known a love like it. We can finish each others sentences, know if everything is ok by a glance accross the room..

 

Just to not give it a chance to me is so heartbreaking. I know if we ever get back together, I have to make some changes in my behaviour and habits butthese are not big changes.. These are things I wanted to do anyway which is why I felt ready to ask her to marry me..

 

This is the first time in my life I have stayed committed and completely true physically to one woman and its because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.. I still can't understand that it's not worthy of one last chance..

 

The worst thing is that every bone in my body wants to cling onto her, maybe because she lied and cheated on me, mentally via email at least. Yet I know that this very reaction will push her further and further away from me...

 

I even told her if she had slept with him I love her enough to give it another chance.... I still would but am beginning to think I am stupid for that..

 

How can I ever trust her fully again after knowing she can look at me in the eyes and lie? The problem is I want to trust her again but have no chance in the short term..

 

I want her back.

[juno]

Three weeks is very little time man, And u are absolutely in pain. Get things off your chest as much as possible. This woman found another person and felt conected with him. She flew to go after him. She left you. She gave you some signals when she came home remember. Let her go. Man. If she ralizes her mistake she might come but it may be to late to fix the problem. Luck.

[SadMan]

I too have a just broke up with my 4 year girlfriend. I have a long post about my story as well.

 

I too do feel your pain and I want her back too. My girlfriend did the same thing your's did. They first contacted every day with e-mails and then on long distance phone calls.

 

I found out alot of stuff about her secret and I asked her in front of her and looked her in the eyes and watch her lie to me. That was very painful to me. I felt that I can never trust her again but there was a part inside of me that WANT to trust her again.

 

I need some advise myself. Maybe if read this most can read mine aswell and give me some pointers.

 

~SadMan~

[tmills0011607306452]

I do understand what you are going through. I, myself have went through something similar. Yes, I would leave her alone. Do not call her, send flowers to her, or even design, buy and install her car stereo for her. When she calls you on your cell phone, do not answer it. When she calls you at work, be short and brief and do not make any plans to hang out as friends. This is the only way you will heal. Push yourself to do things to move your life forward; work out, get a tan, go to school ect... And after a few months give her a call to say hi. If she has the same attitude towards you, then the break-up is necessary. If she is affectionate, then maybe love will prevail. Please bury your hope right now. It will let you heal faster. If you try to get back with her now, you will not only allow yourself to get hurt, but you will also piss her of even more, and thus ruining any chance of getting back with her..

 

My ex strung me along for a while, until I had it. I didn't want to hurt anymore. I stopped talking to her. I feel myself coming back to the old me that enjoyed life, and wasn't depressed.

 

 

take care..

[Dork_Tee]

Well this is sad and I can't believe she could lie to you right to your face like that. First off to have a relationship trust is a major thing here and it's obvious she couldn't be straight with you about what she was truly feeling. I think you should just let her go and set forth and find someone who really will be true to you. You can can remain friends, but just wish her happiness in what she wants and let go of this. I know its hard and it won't be easy to just move on. So focus on you and what you deserve and thats totally happiness. From Tee

[brandos lovechild]

hiya optimistic. i feel so sorry for you bro,especially when u had such sincere feelings for her. i guess its just a slap in the face all guys r gonna have to take until we become the desensitized,independent males that women ache for ! my ex well and truly shitted on me,we broke up and i took it out on my family, drink and stayed in bed cos i felt there was no reason to get up. the good that comes of this,is that us guys grow an underlining hostility towards women,we dont care if they come or go,live or die... and those evil little girlies love that in a guy. good luck in life optimistic

[optimistic]

Thanks for all taking the time to write..

 

I am now in a new apartment sharing with a friend. Taken a promotion at work and am trying to get my life back in some kind of order.

 

Can you believe she has since said she has made a mistake, fallen in love with me again and knows she wants to be with me, and is not sure if she want to go to the US anymore. I moved out because I needed a breake for this kind of head F*cking.. She is emailing me and sms'ing every day now... What is a guy supposed to do?

 

I know friends that had long term relationships, then had a break and got back together... maybe this is what we need... It's will take an eternity to be able to give her back the trust that she once had from me...

 

We'll see what the future holds.... I am enjoying being single and dating already... but nothing seems to measure up... I'll keep trying I guess..

 

Thanks again all..

optimistic