How much should I press this issue?

[Firiel]

Okay, I have the tendency to “mother” in relationships. I know this is a weakness of mine, and I am almost always able to catch myself right before/as I begin mothering, so it hasn’t caused many problems in my relationship. There is a certain issue that I have been feeling myself wanting to nag my husband over, and I just am not sure how far I should press the issue before I let him do his own thing.

 

 

Here’s the gist of it—he has a recurring medical condition that has reared its head again. It’s not a dangerous condition, though it is fairly serious. Luckily, he was able to get it under control without surgery this time. He’s since been given a routine in order to keep this condition suppressed. I understand why he wouldn’t want to do this thing every morning. It’s uncomfortable and it’s a pain in the butt. It’s not like he just has to take a pill. But his not doing this will probably result in a quicker resurgence of the problem.

He’s needed surgery for this before, and he could need it again. Next year he is off his parents’ health insurance, and I don’t like the idea of paying full cost for a costly surgery with a pretty bad recovery when he could have nipped it in the bud by continuing the doctor prescribed routine.

 

 

So how should I deal with this? I know it’s better for him in the long run to just suck it up and do what the doctor said, but I also know that it’s his body… I know I can’t force him to do anything. As of yet (I just realized he was skimping on his directions the other day), I asked him to do it one morning and he did… but he did just go out of town and leave all his stuff here, and I don’t want to have to make it an issue every morning… but I don’t want him to be all sick because that’s no good either. I guess I want to have a good progression of "try this, then try this, then let him do his own thing" before I start so I don't get carried away and begin nagging and mothering him to death.

[FarthestEdge]

Have you asked him, if he wants reminding?

 

Why not just say what you have here, that you don't want to nag, but you want him to be well. You understand that it's a pain in the backside, and you can get why he would rather give it a miss. Then ask him if HE wants to be disciplined about doing it, and if so, does he want gentle reminders?

 

I assume it's some kind of physiotherapy, exercises or such. Is it something that you can help him with, or do some yoga alongside so you are both doing something together and can incorporate it into your daily routine?

 

If he is resistant to it, then I'd just very matter-of-factly say, "Ok, well it's your body and I'm not your mother, but an expensive surgery will impact us both, so we'd better figure out a way to fit health insurance into our budget so we're not facing a nightmare a year from now if you need surgery and there's no insurance"

 

I mean his options are: follow the Dr's orders, OR be prepared for additional surgeries. So find out which option he prefers.

 

I hope something in there helps.

[trezeralietas]

I can completely relate to your impulse to mother and nag...I am the same way.

 

This is a good question...and tricky too.

 

Were it me with my husband, I think I would mention to him that I've noticed he's dropped off his routine and gently encourage/remind him that he will have a relapse if he doesn't take care of himself. If he seemed to get a little defensive or upset, I'd just remind him that it's because I care and don't want to see him go through more trauma and pain and recovery down the road, that's it only out of concern for his well-being.

 

Also, is he aware of your mothering/nagging tendencies? I mean, have you told him that you've done that in relationships in the past? If so, perhaps you could tell him your concerns about not wanting to be obnoxious and act as his mother, but that it's really important to you that he be healthy and feel good and you know that doing this annoying routine will help with that in the long run. But, if you let him know about your tendency to mother and you are trying to avoid that...that you recognize that he is an independent adult who can make his own decisions, but also just tell him your worries about future complications, health insurance, etc...Your concern comes from a good place and not a need to control, direct, or assert your nurturing where it isn't needed. Just make clear to him that it comes from genuine concern.

 

I've always found that being as completely open and honest as possible about my motives and reasons for concern helps them understand that I am not discounting their intelligence, freewill, or ability to do things independently. I hope this might help a little.

[FarthestEdge]

Or you could do what I have often done....

 

"Don't make me call your mother..." ;D (with a grin, of course)

 

Let HIS mother mother him. Nothing a grown man hates more than a nagging mother....

[Firiel]

Yeah, I suppose I should really just talk with him about it. I know he doesn't want the surgery. But I hate the idea of reminding him every morning like his mother. Maybe we can come up with something that will remind him that's not directly me... like a note on the mirror.

 

I can't very well do what he's doing with him. But I am supposed to sleep with a special pillow that I don't use because it's annoying and makes me sleep poorly. Maybe we can make a deal about trying to do better in our respective areas. Thanks, FE.

 

Or you could do what I have often done....

 

"Don't make me call your mother..." ;D (with a grin, of course)

 

Let HIS mother mother him. Nothing a grown man hates more than a nagging mother....

 

Oh my goodness... this would totally get him. That's funny. Maybe this can be my last resort.

[JonasWaingaro]

I think what you wrote here is a pretty good start. Sit him down and let him know your, very real, long term concerns if he doesn't take care of this. Let him know you won't nag him to do it nor be his mom about it but that he needs to take this seriously for the long term. It's up to him then. If he drops the ball and ends up with a major surgery and bill because of annoyance then that's on him.

[Firiel]

He definitely knows about them. I often catch myself about three seconds after I've said something totally mom-like. And then I'm like, "I did it again, didn't I?" I will definitely mention that I don't want to nag him when I talk to him about it. He really should see the reasoning behind it. He's just so unpredictably stubborn sometimes!

[trezeralietas]

Haha, again, I can relate! But, you gotta love him!

[RedDress]

Personally, I think you should figure out how much the surgery will cost and start to save for it. Explain to him that the truth of the matter is that he is NOT doing his routine and that it's highly probable that he will need it. If he actually does his routine? Bonus! When you have the full amount, if surgery is still not required, you can take part of it and go on a trip to Mexico or something.

 

This way, you have all of your bases covered and he is working towards something positive (a vacation) as opposed to something negative (surgery avoidance).

 

It would work for me...

[Firiel]

Personally, I think you should figure out how much the surgery will cost and start to save for it. Explain to him that the truth of the matter is that he is NOT doing his routine and that it's highly probable that he will need it. If he actually does his routine? Bonus! When you have the full amount, if surgery is still not required, you can take part of it and go on a trip to Mexico or something.

 

This way, you have all of your bases covered and he is working towards something positive (a vacation) as opposed to something negative (surgery avoidance).

 

It would work for me...

 

Ah, I just looked up the cost online, and it was a lot less than my husband remembers it being sans insurance. That actually makes me feel much better. We're college students, so right now, it's a miracle if we can save at all... we're working on it, though!