First lesbian relationship break up - long story i'm sorry but I need opinions

[Future]

This was my first serious relationship and also my first relationship with a girl. I’m a bi-sexual and before her I dated a guy but that wasn’t serious. So I am going to try to sum up what exactly happened to us for you guys because i really need your opinions.

 

I am 21 and my ex is 23. We were in a 2 year relationship. We had a lot of good times, great times. We were friends and we fell in love with eachother. It’s kind of a romantic love story thing. We have almost everything in common. We share the samr passions and even the same allergies. Everyone thinks we belong to eachother. We do everything together. Although i never wanted to start this relationship because I was scared to lose my best friend. But after a while I realized how much she meant to me. I couldnt be just friends anymore. I also realized how much I meant to her. I took this as an advantage and hurt her a lot of times, because each time I hurt her she still came back, begging me to keep her and work on it.

 

Three major things had happened throughout the years. I cheated on her emotionally, wanting more sexual pleasure with other people because I’ve never and I just wanted to try. I thought I was too young to be in a serious relationship. That hurt her a lot. I was thinking of having sex with another girl. That day I broke up with her out of guilt. She walked away but later she called and begged me to get back together. I loved her too much to let her go so I did accept it, I lost contact with the girl I was fantasizing about for her. All were good for a while after that. These feelings did come back but they also dissapeared again as i realized how much i love her.

 

Then the 2nd major thing happened. I went on vacation to a foreign country for two weeks to visit family. She missed me a lot and couldn't control her feelings. She got angry with me and made me feel so guilty and miserable. We argued the whole time by e-mail. It made me so unhappy that I cheated on her. Someone kissed me and i kissed back. We didn't have sex though. My mind was not clear anymore and all I thought was I’m gonna break up with my ex after I get back home to justify my cheating. So I did, again. And again she came to my house and begged me back. I accepted after a long talk cuz I do love her very much. I do not regret my decisions of getting her back again.

 

My ex always believed that our love can fight through anything and that we were meant to be. I didnt believe until now. If only she gave me a chance.

 

After her forgiving me, we had such a good time for a while. Ofcourse we did have the occasional arguments. And yes I did break up now and then. That is wrong of me, i know that now - now i've lost her.

 

But then the third and last major thing happened that has caused the ‘real’ break up. It wasn’t going well for about a month. She got sick, a too fast working thyroid gland and that exhausted her both physically and mentally. So I didn’t get a lot of attention. I missed her and didn’t handle the emotions right. I got mad at her and almost every time we met up, we didn’t have a great time cause i immediately thought i would have to miss her afterwards.

The day of our anniversary she had to work on a deadline and that gave us an half hour to celebrate. I got mad but not directly at her.

The next day she tried to make it up to me by going to the movies with me. I couldn’t find her when we were supposed to meet, she was standing somewhere else without cellphone connection. So I couldn’t reach her. I got annoyed and yet again I got mad. I wanted an apology because I thought it was her fault and that she should have went somewhere with connection. Because she KNEW that we were gonna meet up. Why stand somewhere without? I got so mad i walked out of the cinema and left her alone watching a movie. Thinking about this makes me realize how stupid I was to get mad again. How much of a nagger I am.

 

I was also jealous of another girl. She is the friend of my ex's mother but very young still (29). The day my ex became sick she had to go to the hospital. This friend, let’s say G., brought her to the hospital that day. Since then they were constantly in contact by text. My ex and me always thought of G. as a weird woman because she used to “stalk” my ex’s mom. Always bringing food and always visiting. We also thought that she could be bi or gay and was going after the mom. So my ex spending time with her so much made me very jealous. G. is everywhere because shes the moms friend. My ex's mom doesnt approve lesbian relationships so she doesnt know about us.

 

One and half week ago (Friday) the cinema thing happened. After that my ex began to doubt our relationship for the very first time in two years. She stopped believing. She didn’t talk to me for a few days which has never happened. She used to stalk me until i answered when i broke up. My ex kept chilling with G, almost every day.

 

I was going insane and doing the constant texting thing. I didn’t call her cuz her mom doesn’t know about our relationship so she can’t talk about it at home. I told her that we can work this out, this time for real cuz ive never felt this way. I know what i lost now. Sometimes you just need to lose something to really know how you feel about them. I also finally realized what I did wrong and how I should have handled stuff. I told her everything but she said she doesn’t trust me anymore. She said every time we talk about our arguments we never come with solutions. She didnt want to give me a chance anymore. Yet she couldn’t break up. She said because I was trying so hard, she felt that she should try and get her feelings back. She said that after Friday she wasn’t IN love anymore. She just loves me now. But how can this happen overnight? It should have been there for a while right?

 

My ex agreed to meet up for the first time on Wednesday at school (we are classmates). We didnt talk about our fight. Thursday we went to the movies with classmates. She was still very mad at me and wasn’t really herself to me. Saturday it happened, we were at a big festival with her friends. She agreed with me being there cause that was the plan all along. It was the only time I could ask her about our problems because all other days she didn’t want to talk about it. She was running away from it. So when her friends went to pee i started talking.

 

She still didn’t want to talk but after pushing a bit she told me the truth and said that she was STARTING TO fall for G. It hurt me so much that I just couldn’t keep my tears inside. Her friends then came back from the restroom and asked me what happened. They didn’t really know a lot. My ex is very introvert with feelings. Her friends talked to me and to my ex. After that my ex and me talked, finally. She still couldn’t decide on what she wanted. I felt played because it seems like she only wanted to be with me until she knows if G. also likes her. Her friend told my ex that this isn’t fair to me. So her friend suggested to break up for a while. Do our own things. My ex said that she wanted to be just friends for a while. She said that if we are meant to be together we will get back together.

 

Her friend walked me home and told me that I should move on. I shouldn’t wait, but there is always a chance of getting back together.

 

I wanted to die that day. That was our break up. I decided to do the no-contact thing for a while. Cause its spring break right now and we don’t have to see each other at school. Also just to give her time to think and i was hoping she'll miss me. My ex texted me that evening that she’s sorry.

 

Also the next day my ex called me telling me that she’s sorry again. And that she really hopes that we can be friends again. I kind of accused her of emotionally cheating on me. She doesn’t agree with it. Saying that she’s STARTING TO like G. but that she doesn’t know if she wants to be with her. That is cheating still right? When you start to like someone else when you’re still in a relationship? Liking someone that way also doesn’t happen overnight. It must have been there for a while. I said that the call was good for me cause I could get closure. My ex said: "no you don’t need closure". She was SO hinting that she might want to get back together again. I think this is unfair but yet it gives me hope. This is what makes it so confusing. Sometimes it makes me feel like a 2nd choice. She also said that the problem was my jealousy and that she just has a better time with G. right now than with me. But she also said that im not replaceable and that she still loves me and cares. But has she forgotten our good times? Damn. I pushed her away by being stupid and now she fell for someone else.

 

I want her back and she does seem to want it. Yet she is still chilling with G.

 

Yesterday I found out that the evening after she called me she went to the beach with G. skating and afterwards she wanted to sleep at her place because her mom wasn’t home that night. It hurt so much. Maybe it meant nothing.. Because my ex is sick and she shouldnt be home alone? Or am i just being naive?

 

So what do you guys think I should do? I'm thinking to stop contacting her for a couple of weeks. Only seeing eachother at school as just classmates. Give her time to think and hopefully miss me. I wanna write a note saying that i agree with the breakup and that i think its the best for both of us. Hopefully to make her want me again cuz i seem to be getting over it. What do you guys think i should do?

 

Doesnt G sound like a rebound? It happened so fast.. How could she do that to me? Wanting someone else one day after the breakup.

 

She doesnt seem to be having too much trouble with the break up too because she has someone else. Based on her Facebook account, shes chilling, eating. While i dont have any appetite and i dont sleep.

 

I have been keeping myself so busy but still with a full day, the day feels long. I have never been hurt so much. It isn’t even that bad if I didn’t know that she is falling for someone else.

 

By reading this long story, do you guys think she still loves me and really does want to get back together. Is there a chance left for me? Or should I really just move on. Or should I talk to her about much she feels for G. now? She did say i can always call her if i needed her. Shes still there for me.

 

I hope you guys can help me feel better cuz i really feel like a dead person. And ive never been so much in love.

 

Much love,

 

- Future

[Future]

No one able to read the whole story?

[abitbroken]

If you cheated on her, and you also felt that you didn't want to be tied down to a relationship to "experience" more sex, it is hard to expect the the other person to be "all in" and excited about the relationship anymore. BTW, you phrased this as "your FIRST lesbian relationship" implying that you expected to have many more after versus treating this as the relationship you are/were in and wanted to be in and weren't looking at things with an eye towards a next. I think that honestly, you should try to move on but really figure out who you are. Do you want to sow your oats and have various partners because you think that is what young people should do, or do you want something more?

 

Your instincts are right to not contact her for awhile - take the time to figure out who you are and what you want/need. And jealousy is a killer.

[LoveHurts89]

I think maybe she's got so fed up with being broken up with that she's now prepared herself for the inevitable. Maybe with G she sees security? Whereas with you, it was on and off like a light switch. I don't know. I know how much you must be hurting. I can't compare this to my break up, as there wasn't somebody else. It does seem like a rebound. Like she's channeling her feelings into somebody else so that she escapes the pain. But the pain will come eventually. She can't avoid that. Start thinking of you. Work on your jealousy issues, your need to be with other people etc. If she doesn't come back, you'll be a stronger person for you. If she does, you'll be a stronger person for the both of you.

[Future]

You're right. I've been thinking about everything for almost two weeks now. We have only been broken up only a few days but she already told me she was doubting everything after that Friday. I really do think we can be better together now. I don't need anyone else and I don't want sex with others either anymore. I know what i've lost now and I just know that I love her so much.

 

Do you think there's still a chance for me? I will and am working on my jealousy.

 

 

 

 

 

I really hope she will start thinking of me and start missing me.. I'm just so scared that her love for the other one will grow so much that she will really fall in love with the other girl. And I'm scared that it'll be too late then.. Is there anything I could do?

 

I'm thinking of writing a letter which says: "I'm sorry I kinda acted crazy lately. I think you're right about the split up. It's probably the best for both of us." I don't really think we should split up but i'm hoping she'll see that i've moved on and start missing me. Is this a good idea?

 

Thank you guys for your reactions. I really appreciate it.

[LoveHurts89]

Some people might think it's a good idea, but I don't agree with playing games. It sounds like there has been enough games already. Because maybe if she does have feelings for this person, telling her you've moved on could give her the green light to pursue this other lady.

 

I'd write a letter, but make it heart felt. Tell her you're sorry for the mistakes you've made. You realise now what you've lost and are sorry you've let it go this far. Tell her you'd like to work this out, maybe go back to basics, date again, reignite the excitement. Make these suggestions. There's no point going back to what you had because it didn't work. A few tweaks are needed. Explain that you want to make this work. Maybe suggest a weekend away somewhere. Just say I don't want to break up, but I can't force you to be with me if you don't want to. I don't want to play games, so I'd appreciate a straight response, and if it's that you want this over, I'll respect your decision and move on.

 

This will show her that although you want to make it work, you're not playing games, and aren't waiting around. If she knows you're sat waiting for her, of course she'll make you wait. If she knows you'll leave her to it, maybe she'll think * * * * * , I need to stop playing now.

[Future]

You're right. I am scared for the fact that she might pursue this other lady. The first week she was only doubting and didn't break up yet, that week I was crazy but also I did quite a lot of thinking. I told her a lot, wrote her a very long email about wanting to make this work. Maybe I didn't say it the right way, I think she did feel a little forced. She said she doesn't trust me that I can change.

 

Yeah, going back to the basics is a good idea. That is what she has suggested when she broke up with me too. I have school with her this monday, do you think I should talk to her then about this?

 

Your last advice is really what I'm thinking too. I think she's thinking i'm waiting for her, and now she's making me wait. Damnit. Yeah, I need to let her know somehow that I am going to move on if she decides that she wants this over. She DOES keep hinting that we can get back together and that whats bothers me, it seems like she's saying those stuff cuz she's scared to be alone. But I'm not sure if she really still wants to be with me cuz she's not really trying? I don't know. I'm so confused by her!

[LoveHurts89]

I can see why you're confused. It's such a hard position to be in. I'm going through a horrible break up myself and it's hard not to feel low.

 

Yeh, speak to her Monday. Or before if you see her.

 

It must be so hard her mum not accepting the relationship, and therefore not being able to tell her. Think yourself before you reconcile, is this what you want? Two years is a long time to be together. And to have not come out to her mum yet would worry me. Could you live like this forever?

[abitbroken]

You're right. I've been thinking about everything for almost two weeks now. We have only been broken up only a few days but she already told me she was doubting everything after that Friday. I really do think we can be better together now. I don't need anyone else and I don't want sex with others either anymore. I know what i've lost now and I just know that I love her so much.

 

Do you think there's still a chance for me? I will and am working on my jealousy.

 

 

I did not make my comments in the context of how to get her back or what you want with HER but what you want IN GENERAL. Do you, in general, want to experiment, or do you want a monogamous, one on one, honest relationship? You have to ask yourself that question very truthfully indepedently of thinking about her. If you want a one on one relationship, then you seek that out. And she might not be the one because she is hanging out with someone else and might be too leery of one with you. Does that make any sense? You seem to want to conform to whatever you have to do or agree to in order to get her back and getting her back might not be best.

[Future]

I can see why you're confused. It's such a hard position to be in. I'm going through a horrible break up myself and it's hard not to feel low.

 

Yeh, speak to her Monday. Or before if you see her.

 

It must be so hard her mum not accepting the relationship, and therefore not being able to tell her. Think yourself before you reconcile, is this what you want? Two years is a long time to be together. And to have not come out to her mum yet would worry me. Could you live like this forever?

 

It is hard, but I can't tell my mom either. I just told her I broke up with a 2-year boyfriend. We're both asians and it's such a taboo for them. We're both scared to tell them because we are still financially depending on them. So yeah, we were planning on moving in together and then it wouldn't be a problem for me.

 

Well, she actually texted me (on WhatsApp) today. I blocked her for a few days, but I unblocked her y'day. She found out by checking my status and asked me how I was. This is even more confusing cuz this is how the conversation went:

 

Her: Hey, how are you?

Me: Hey, I'm good, how are you?

Her: I'm good.

Her: Why you'd unblock me. Are you over me already ;-)

Me: Yeah, I accepted it It was kind of an impulse to block you. It's not really necessary right?

Her: Well.. i understand why you blocked me

Her: Told ya i didn't take months to get over with

Her: Chilled with a lot of people lately you?

Me: I am not over you. Just accepted it and have to move on right? Yeah, I also chilled a lot.

Her: I guess so

Her: Good thing you didn't let your time stop

 

Really I don't get it. I haven't answered her yet, what do you think I should say? I want to say that I still care but I can't force you to come back.

 

Yesterday she told a friend of ours who asked: "Do you think you guys will get back together or are you really done?" My ex said "For now, I'm done. We talked already". That's all. She also said that she wants to give me time so we can be friends again. Does it seem like she wants me back? No huh..

 

And, I'm sorry about your break up.. do you want to talk about your relationship break up? I am free to talk.

 

 

 

I did not make my comments in the context of how to get her back or what you want with HER but what you want IN GENERAL. Do you, in general, want to experiment, or do you want a monogamous, one on one, honest relationship? You have to ask yourself that question very truthfully indepedently of thinking about her. If you want a one on one relationship, then you seek that out. And she might not be the one because she is hanging out with someone else and might be too leery of one with you. Does that make any sense? You seem to want to conform to whatever you have to do or agree to in order to get her back and getting her back might not be best.

 

I understand what you say. I do want to have an one on one honest and happy relationship. I know that I miss that now. Yeah, if she doesn't come back to me I'll just have to move on. Thank you for your advice, I will keep on thinking about it.

[LoveHurts89]

She seems completely confusing! I don't even know what to make of that. I've just replied to your private message xx