HELP! Young Professional w/ crush on coworker/employee

[Abitstuckrightnow]

I have a dilemma. Hopefully, you guys can give me some good advice here.

 

I am a relatively young, single professional. Hired to an office a few months ago, I have developed feelings for a coworker/employee. The rub here is that technically I am her superviser and I would never want to do anything she might see as threatning, etc. I am not that kind of guy. She's very nice, attractive, etc., etc. Just a person anyone would be crazy not to scoop up. she's about 7 years younger than me.

 

My problem is that in order to cope with this, I have sort of started to alienate her in an effort just to keep her off my mind. "out of sight, out of mind sort of deal." Well, I tried that a couple weeks ago and got called on the carpet for it. She noticed. I tried to explain it as distancing myself from her and some other employees (we are all sort of close in age.)

 

Things got better; I didn't have to tell her I cared for her, and it was ok for a while. NOW, I have started again. This time sparked by jealousy after overhearing (and not really hearing everything) about her weekend a couple weeks ago when she went up to some concert and possible met somebody, blah, blah, blah.

 

All of this has been weighing heavily on me. It also got to the point that I was getting stressed out because of anxiety and saw a doctor because of chest pains--all ended up stress related. ((Have also been exercising for that, but... it doens't always help. I am think about things A LOT! ))

 

Anyway, I like this girl. I would never want to put her in a weird position. I wouldn't want to do anything wrong in terms of being a supervisor. I need to quit the silly avoidance thing, AND I would love not to be anxious about it all the time.

 

I have a hard time with "just put her out of my head" and am contemplating just letting her know, letting her know I don't want to freak her out but I also want to let her know where I am coming from.

 

Stupid? Could I trust someone in that situation? Should I? HELP!!!

[gentleman]

You sound similar to me in that you don't want to do the wrong thing. Most people would just say relax, go for it, etc, but I think it's better to be cautious than make a mess of things.

 

Not that I'm going to be much help, but I've come accross other 'supervisor is the girlfriend/wife of supervised' scenarios, so it does happen, someone dating someone they supervise from the same office.

 

Are you a bit cautious about telling her you like her in general, and not just because you're her supervisor? I just wondered if you get the impression than your bosses would frown upon you dating someone you supervise? It differs from company to company I guess.

 

I'm in a similar situation in that I work in an office where a lot of people come and go during each day, and I'm attracted to one of the company's clients, but I can't pluck up the courage to talk to her. I've never found it easy talking to people outside my 'comfort zone', such as the time I liked someone who worked in the bank. I'm always worried about the consequences if they say no, but I guess someone having made fun of me at school for having asked out their sister, doesn't mean that a mature adult would react the same if a guy asked her out, out of the blue.

 

Maybe...

[Abitstuckrightnow]

First of all, thanks for writing.

 

I guess a part of this might be the ultimate fear of rejection, but I can handle that okay, I think. What is most important to me is not to create a situation where she feels uncomfortable or like I am doing something wrong. I guess that fear comes from an earlier position (I work with students) where after telling a student that her clothes were probably inappropriate, i.e. her thongs all showed, she complained that I was making life hard for her in the office. My supervisor at the time, not too happy that the student went to her boss, found no justification in the complaint at all and agreed the girl's clothes were inappropriate.

 

ANYWAY, that kind of thing haunts me. The woman I am talking about is much more mature than that, I am sure. Still, it's an ackward place to be.

 

That given, I hate playing this game of having my door half shut or not being able to really look in her in the eye for any length during a conversation. It's childish, I know... but I am stuck and I can't get it out of my head.

 

My inclination is to go ahead and tell her, let her know that I am nervous, that I am NOT asking anything of her, but just to let her know what I am dealing with. My biggest fear is that could be used against me later if she can't have a certain day off, or whatever... which BTW I am very generous about with all three of the people I supervise.

 

I am lost! Thanks again for your help.

[gentleman]

You're welcome and if I can think of any better advice I'll certainly post it up on this site for you, as I'm going through similar things, not being fearful of rejection but beng fearful of doing something wrong, albeit it socially and not in the workplace.

 

Perhaps in a way, you're overly confusing the situation (something I often do myself). Just to clarify, have you expressed an interest in her, to her face i.e. told her? I mean, she might be attracted to you too, but your body language might confuse her a bit. I'm the same - when I like a girl, I try to hard not to show it, trying to talk to her as a friend or 'general person' at first, but by the time I show my romantic interest in her, it's too late as I've come accross as a bit cold or some other guy's got there first.

 

I sympathise with how you're feeling now you've overheard something about her meeting a guy during a recent weekend. You're probably panicking a bit, right? It's a shame you've had to go to the doctor's about it, but I know things can get like that.

 

Tell me, would you be able to resume a friendly office relationship with her if she rejected your romantic interest? Playing games is tough isn't it, but for guys like us, being direct and forward's not so easy. Have you told a colleague about your attraction to this girl?

 

I reckon you should try being friendly and talkative to her for a couple of days and then ask her if she'd like to go for a meal, coffee or drink after work. See what she says. If she says no or makes up some excuse, it's painful but you'll just have to live with it. I've found a good way to cope with that is go to the ironic extreme of being really friendly towards someone who's rejected you, to show that you weren't just showing an interest in them purely because you fancy them.

 

Hopefully some of what I spluttered out will make sense.

 

What do you reckon about my situation by the way, me being attracted to someone who works in the bank? I would ask her out, sure, but I'm worried about the consequences if she said no. But maybe I'm worrying too much, thinking she might tell my boss or her colleagues in the bank, that I asked her out.

[Day_Walker]

Your position is very awkward but i think that you need to rethink this situation. Since you are a supervisor and this could look pretty bad if it goes wrong. I think you need to take the friendly approach first before you say how much you like this female. Do you only know her from work? Have you been out with her and coworkers? You want to create a friendly situation and let her get a chance to know you outside of work, the easiest way to do this is in a group setting. It's non threatening that way you get to know her better and your other coworkers. The easiest thing to do is meet up after work for a coworkers b-day, or just drinks after work just besure that there is a group of you. Otherwise it could look strange since you have a position of authority. Have fun with it, calm down on the jealousy, and you need to focus on other females not just the one at work.

[Abitstuckrightnow]

Thanks for the reply.

 

I have been out to lunch, out to dinner, and once out to a bar with this person. We have been to lunch alone (college campus) but other places always with co-workers.

 

It's not like we haven't been friend, but not really close friends. Not like I guess I would want to be.

 

So, I know what you mean by suggesting those things, but this has gotten to a different point, if that makes sense. She enjoys my company ( I would think), it's more a matter of if it would be wise to let her know what's going on.

[VickiRose]

I'm just gonna put my two cents here.... Because your in the office, maybe you could do office things like ask her to go to lunch, build that comfort level and get the scoop, who knows she could be interested too... At my work we go golfing on fridays, so something like that would be a really cool and nonthreating way to get to know her better...

( Sorry I didnt read the post above...)

[gentleman]

Any news since you last posted, with the situation between you and the co-worker?