Please, i need as much advice and help as i can get.

[emotionography]

too little too late - i am slain and powerless

 

My break up was recent, yesterday to be more accurate. My girlfriend and I had been together for a little over two years. We had hit things off pretty quick as we had so much in common and felt strongly for one another. We moved in together about three months into our relationship: she wanted to move from her city to mine, which wasn't too far from here, and go to school, get a job that paid better than her summer job which was coming to a close, and I had extra space. At the time things just worked out perfectly. We would go out and do things and cuddle and all those things that make single people say "eew," or "get a room." Things were great. We eventually left my apartment and moved together into a house in a very nice neighborhood. Our combined finances were able to support a larger, nicer place and since she nabbed a job with our local Rental Housing Association, qualifying and moving was a breeze.

 

When two people move in together you're having to share your personal space as well as balancing the habits and routines of a completely different person than yourself. As much as I had in common with my partner and as much as we were in-love with eachother and got along, the stress of our outside lives started to effect our relationship. I was stressed over school and she was stressed about work and we would get into stupid arguments with eachother. We're pretty stubborn people by nature and some of the arguments would get pretty heated. Our sex life was great in the beginning, as it is in most relationships, but when the bickering and the arguments started to get more frequent as more pressure was put on the both of us (sometimes just randomly) from the variables of our outside lives, she started to become distant and cold and i started to become frustrated and anxious. We were wrong about a lot of things because we weren't communicating with sensativity, understanding, and respect for the love that we shared. Three/Four months ago, our lease ended and we decided to move into separate places, she'd never been out on her own before and she wanted to feel what life was like independent... we moved a mere one block away from one another in our city grid. Even with the physical space, we were spending some portion of every day or every other day with one another until we decided that it would be a good idea to get some space. We were still arguing over little stupid things and she had built up quite a wall of resentment towards the way I would handle some of the situations. Both of us became eachother's place to vent. Nor her or I had ever acted as cruel to one another than we do with our friends and I really wanted the both of us to go and see a relationship counsellor so we could start working on our communication issues and try and work through our mutual resentments, but we never took the time to look for someone together because I had things going on or she was being overworked by the office.

 

We had very poor communication - she wanted to handle things on the spot, and I would get frustrated because i couldn't get a lock on what i was feeling or what i wanted to do. A lot of times I merely walked out, had a cigarette to sort my feelings and thoughts out and i would come back in to find her either extremely pissed of or crying or whatever. I find it easier to communicate by writing or typing things out for myself, but when it comes to on-the-spot situations where i'm being overwealmed with emotions that i can't get into words i would usually get angry and would miscommunicate that anger as if it were towards her. Sometimes when I had issues that needed to be addressed with her, that anger would merely multiply itself. I tried going to a therapist because I couldn't communicate that frustration to her. I wanted her to understand that just because our methods of communication were different, it didn't mean that we were wrong. Sometimes after going to bed with her angry, I would write her an e-mail or a letter the next day to explain what i was feeling and what my thoughts were on the situation. That worked for a while until her stress levels would get out of control and she would double question my genuine appologies as being real or whether they sounded real or not. I meant every appology, but there were times where i was sorry and still very frustrated or angry with myself at not being able to communicate the way she wanted me to. Needless to say, our foundation progressively crumbled with building resentments and undeserved anger in both directions.

 

Then came an opportunity that i thought would do us some good. We decided to get some distance from one another and tried not to spend every day with eachother. My step father and I were taking a 9 day rafting trip down the grand canyon. I was being taken out of my element and she was being left alone so both of us could come to some sort of conclusion about what we wanted to do with our relationship. She let me take some sexy pictures of her and I left her with a kiss and she told me she loved me, and i responded with love back. Everything was going well the weeks before i left, i had really thought we were making progress with one another.

 

Needless to say, the trip was outstanding, everything about it was adventurous and rugged and just what i needed. Every night i would stare up at the stars and try to fall asleep at our camps formed by erosion in the canyon with the sound of the rapids hushing in the distance. Every night I came to realise that I was still madly in love with her and each day of distance made it stronger. I thought of romantic things we could do together, ideas for seeking help in solving our old resentments to make room for a beautiful future together.

 

When I got back from my trip I knew that something was wrong. The first day back she didn't return the i love you's or the enthusiam to see me that I felt for her on the phone. I just thought to myself that she had a rough week and just wanted to get some rest as always, until i made my way over to her house to pick up my key and as i was leaving, she replaced "i love you too" with a simple "bye." My second day back, I develope my photos and cut her some roses from the garden and bring them to her at work. Once again, no "i love you." and by this point I know for a fact that something was wrong. Had she met another guy? Did something wrong happen? Is she hiding something from me? Was there something that I did wrong? - my head was spinning. I caught her online and I confronted her about the times we had last communicated and she told me that she wanted to talk but not over a chat client.

 

The discussion she wanted to have with me was obvious. Something was wrong, and we were over - i am slain.

 

Four hours of cold sweat and adrenalin fueled anxiety pass and I meet up with her at her house after work.

 

She takes me inside and we sit down. She explained to me that the way we treated eachother over the years is not the way people in-love treat eachother. She explained to me that she could no longer be intimate or think of me in a romantic way, she couldn't be close to me, she couldn't kiss me. Her love for me dwindled to a platonic level as she loved me very much but was no longer in-love with me and that's what i've been grieving.

 

Regardless of the arguments and pain we felt in the past, she is my best friend, and she tells me that she doesn't know what she would do without me in her life in some aspect. She wants us to keep our friendship and see where it grows. She doesn't want me to wait for her and she doesn't want to say that there is a possibility that we can get back together if/when we both work out our problems and grow as individuals.

 

She had made her decision before i had even stepped off the plane. And all i could do was hurt over not being able to come to the decision with me at her side.

 

She had a chance to process her thoughts before I came home. She knew she was going to hurt me when she made her decision, but there was nothing i could do but respect it. She cried that night as she filled me in on the dread I was expecting, telling me how much she hates to see me hurt and hates hurting me. She couldn't comfort me, she couldn't hold me and tell me that everything was going to be alright.

 

It's day three now, as I forced myself not to cry as I organized some left over christmas decoration boxes that we had purchased and celebrated together. We still co-own a lot of furniture and possessions. I've scoured this entire site for wisdom and advice with similiar situations and i'm faced with one of the hardest tasks a breakup has to offer - can we continue being friends after this? She wants me to continue to be her best friend and not her lover and I am here with a fresh wound, like a man with no arm that can still feel the warmth of his loved one's hand craddled and entwined in his own.

 

The fact of the matter is, I still love her and she loves me, but I am in love with her and am grieving over our lost intimacy. Is her wanting to continue to be my best friend a sign of hope for a possible future together again? Is it safe for me to think that she wants to keep me on her radar so that when we're ready for one another again, she'll be able to easily communicate it? She doesn't want to lose me. She's still completely comfortable with me in her proximity, wearing whatever she wants. What kind of guidelines should i set for our friendship? I want her back and I'll always want her back, and i'm open to the possibility of her coming into my life again, but I need the help and advice to convince myself not to wait. I need to find out what to do. I want to win her back.

 

She calls me still. The No Contact phase isn't going to work. How do i work this?

 

sorry for the long post, but thank you for any help or advice.

[iceesnowbubble]

IMO by you staying in contact with her you are just making it harder on yourself, you need time to heal before you can be "just friends" with someone that you love so deeply. As much as you think it won't work, you need to listen to what almost everyone on this site will tell you, and not contact or be contacted for a while. If she calls, just make yourself unavailable. She wanted the space and not be together, so give it to her... and when you can control your emotions some more, maybe you can become friends, but right now its just too soon. Goodluck with everything.

[OnTheMoor]

My vote goes to No Contact.

 

However, you, like most people, probably have to experience the pain that is "staying friends" before you go NC. That pain will convince you to go No Contact in time. It took me about 2 weeks with staying friends with my ex before I went cold turkey. It's been 3 days of No Contact (although she is trying to contact me, of course) and I'm slowly starting to feel better.

 

The only hard part is not knowing, but it beats knowing and not recieving any love any day.

 

Good luck man!

 

p.s. If it's not too late: DO NOT GO THE BEGGING AND PLEADING ROUTE. i've learned the hard way from previous breakups and I was smart enough not to do it on this one...and let me tell you, no matter what the outcome is between me and my ex right now, I'll always know she'll view me as a man that can respect others wishes.

[stolenshadow]

Hello, I agree with the last post, it might take you a while of feeling pain by being "friends only" before you decide NC is a must.

Use the next days to try to sort out as much of the things you have to solve with her, the furniture and such.

She probably feels better having you as her friend but you have to think about yourself now, you can't do it because you don't love her just like a friend so you have to stop contact and stop thinking she might want to go back because that might not happen and you can't stop your life because of it.

 

Tell her you'll be alright so she doesn't feels like she has to be your friend as an obligation, even if you feel sad don't vent to her, talk to her as little as possible and be cold, not unpolite but cold, learn from the experience and try very hard to move forward, if it's meant to be it will happen but it doesn't seems like it's going to be soon.

Good luck.

[emotionography]

Thank you all for the advice.

 

Each day is pretty hard.

 

I've been updating my journal/blog thing a lot, and writing really does help me sort out my thoughts. But i can tell when she's been reading it.

 

I don't want her to feel guilty, and at the same time, i don't want to be given false hopes of the possibilities of getting her back.

 

I want her back in the long run. but right now, still so pained and close to everything to be objective. i'm scared of relapsing. where do you get the energy to start again? how do you fall out of love with a person?

[rich46]

Hi,

 

Basically I can't answer your 2 questions. All I can do is reiterate what everyone else has told you - staying friends is not an option right after a break up. In my opinion of course. I lasted 1 week after my ex said she needed some "time and space" but wanted to be my "best friend." I went along with it for a while, but after 1 week I rang her back and said I couldn't just switch to being friends after 3.5 years together. She didn't sound too happy - why would she, I was preventing her from having her cake and eating it. It has been 15 days of No Contact and let me tell you, the first few days are HELL. But it has gradually got better.

 

By the way, if she can read your journal then I wouldn't write in it anymore. By all means carry on writing if it helps you feel better, but you don't want her to know your every thought right now. Let her wonder what you are thinking. Give her space on her own. That is the only thing you can do right now.

 

Good luck,

 

Rich

[emotionography]

Well, she's been reading my journal up to this point, and i've been updating it with my emotional swings several times in a day.

 

This is currently day 6.

 

It's a really difficult decision for me to make right now, because i do want her to have some sort of indirect communication to know that i'm doing okay.

 

So i think i'll go pick up a journal from a bookstore and start handwriting my thoughts out again. Typing has made my life pretty easy over years.

[stolenshadow]

Hello, I'm afraid rich46 is right, and I would also suggest to stop using that journal in particular, purge it, delete it, erase it, but DON'T KEEP USING IT! That's doing contact and because it's all "assumed" it's going to be worse in the long term that if you phoned her.

 

Get a new online journal, or a paper one, but make sure she'll never find it then write there all you like, anger, pain, emtional breakdown.

 

And if you want her to know you're alright you just have to say/show it. There's no need for a hidden message.