is this a sign of immaturity, resentment, or am I just imagining things?

[phasegirl]

Had a long time friend of about 6 years who was like a soul sister to me. We stopped speaking to each other about several months ago for a minor reason that exploded into resentments here and there shouted out that had built up over time. But all in all, it was mostly petty stuff, nothing like betrayal or anything like that, just an argument where certain pasts were brought up and everything just blew out of proportion...

 

Here's the deal: After that day, she of course, unfriended me from facebook, and from the other social sites like twitter, youtube and a few others. We were linked together on many sites because she and I were like sisters...

 

So now, she makes it a point not to have me read anything of whats going on in her life. For example, one day a mutual friend of ours that had nothing to do with our breakup posted something on facebook, and when I commented on it, my ex friend erased her comment and never commented on that mutual friend's facebook again.

 

I don't understand what her psychology is and it kind of hurts to be honest.

 

I never thought that she would behave this way, and also sort of "take it out" on our mutual friends. Why should these mutual friends have to pay? These people dont' even know we had the argument and are no longer friends.

 

What do you guys think about her behavior?? What is the psychology behind someone behaving this way??

[uhohlala]

It sounds like she's holding a grudge, and there's really nothing you can (or should) do about that. Your friendship with her is at an end. How she chooses to conduct herself with 3rd parties really shouldn't matter to you -- she's the one who looks petty for removing comments just because she doesn't want to feel like she's interacting with you in any way. Let her, it's completely her right to do so.

 

It sounds to me like maybe you're hoping to reconnect with her. Maybe the comment on the mutual friend's FB page was a little nudge or test to see how she'd respond? You're wondering about her psychology, which suggests to me that this is an active issue in your mind. And that's fine too. There's nothing wrong with being curious about her still, nor is there anything wrong with wanting to mend fences with her (if that's your wish). But admit to yourself what your goals are. It seems to me that if you were genuinely uninterested in having anything more to do with this former friend, her FB behavior would be irrelevant to you.

[InkkedBree]

In my psychology class, there are different types of relationships, and that one sounds like a fusion relationship, which is not a good style. It's the idea that you both are one person, and while there is a definite closeness, but the result of this is that one or both forget that you both are individual beings and must accept that. A sign of that is an explosive argument such as the one you just stated. It's a common occurrence, usually like the best friend couple who seem to be stuck at the hips; fusion relationships. There's nothing much to do but to let it go along its course. Sometimes you can get that friend back but there won't be the same complete closeness with one other, which would make it disappointing for it's the feeling that you miss that type of closeness but it's a healthy way because you cannot depend on each other and be a complete union.

[phasegirl]

It sounds to me like maybe you're hoping to reconnect with her. Maybe the comment on the mutual friend's FB page was a little nudge or test to see how she'd respond?

 

Maybe - I can't and won't deny it. I am just not the kind of person to hold grudges for a long time, really. I am an easy forgiving person, although I may at times be upset about the past. For instance, the quick way she was able to undo our friendship is upsetting to me.

 

I guess it would be nice to reconnect, but I fear that there is too much resentment to continue - all over the most pettiest of things. And yes, I am curious about that person - I did/do care about her wellbeing as we've been very close friends for a good number of years. I just can't believe that it would take an argument to end it all.

[PrettyGood]

Don't worry about this stuff. Several year will pass and if you accidentally meat each other, you will be like old good friends again. She will not remember why you separated at all. I'm telling you from my experience. My best friend stole my music instrument from me, sold it and bought her some drugs. I was so angry about it, because it not only cost me money, but she had no right to do it at all! It was just borrowed to her to learn some music and she stole and sold it. 5 years passed and I saw one photo of her (pregnant). I was so shocked, because I understood that live is going on and she was changed a lot and I contacted her. What do you think... we became the best friends again.

[uhohlala]

Maybe - I can't and won't deny it. I am just not the kind of person to hold grudges for a long time, really. I am an easy forgiving person, although I may at times be upset about the past. For instance, the quick way she was able to undo our friendship is upsetting to me.

 

I guess it would be nice to reconnect, but I fear that there is too much resentment to continue - all over the most pettiest of things. And yes, I am curious about that person - I did/do care about her wellbeing as we've been very close friends for a good number of years. I just can't believe that it would take an argument to end it all.

 

You know, everyone's perspective is different. Maybe you're right, maybe she really is overreacting to something quite petty. It's also possible that although it seemed petty to you, it was much more significant to her -- either the ostensible cause itself was bigger than you've realized, or it was the straw that broke the camel's back, a final small thing in a larger history of small things that eventually became intolerable to her.

 

You can't know how she's viewing it unless you ask her. If you're interested in reconnecting, or at least in learning why she doesn't wish to reconnect, you'll have to ask her. She might blow you off, or respond with hostility. But at least you would be behaving in a straightforward way and shouldering the responsibility for making the first move. At a minimum if she didn't respond well you could console yourself with the knowledge that you'd done all you could.

[3boys]

If you do ask her, be prepared to release a * * * * * storm, though....my former best friend & I had a similar blow-up and she started doing the same thing. I didn't even have to ask her, after the 3rd comment, I got a message from her, accusing me of trying to "turn her friends against her" and "cyber-stalking" her and all sorts of "interesting" things. I told her (as nicely as I could) that I was simply commenting on a friend's status, to look back through the friend's history and see how many times I had commented, and if she honestly thought I was doing that, she seriously needed to "see someone".

 

I then went to my "Block List" and re-added her (and everything else that "magically disappeared") so she would no longer see my comments...