It's not an instant fix

[Eocsor]

I see people on here complaining that they aren't moving on and feeling totally better after a few weeks or months. If you were in a significant relationship of any length of time and had real feelings for the other person this is probably an unrealistic expectation. Studies have shown it takes on average a year and a half to move on after a major relationship meltdown. I know that I've found that time frame to be roughly accurate after my two relationships of over a decade each ended. Unless you're as shallow as they come or really weren't into the other person moving on takes serious time.

 

I'm not saying you will be in the pits of despair for that long, but it takes a year or so to start to feel really normal and another half a year or so to process everything. Give yourself permission to go through the process. Don't expect miracles. Healing takes time. It takes a while to let all the baggage and residual feelings from the relationship drain out.

 

Be on your own for a while. Don't rush into the next relationship because it will just be a bandage for the hurt of the first one. If you can be happy on your own, you're way more likely to enter into a healthier relationship next time.

 

Healings not a race, it's a journey and one that can show you a lot about yourself. Strange as it sounds I treasure a lot of the time I spent getting over my exes because it showed me a lot about who I am. Getting back to being yourself can be painful at times, but it will make you a much stronger person.

[Di84]

I agree completely. It's been 6 months now since ive broken up with my ex of 4 yrs. He seems to have moved on perfectly and is meeting new women.

When I was younger I would have rushed out to meet someone new just to help with the pain. Now, I see growth already. I don't want to meet someone else to help ease the pain. I want to be by myself...and I mean for a while. I really want to be happy on my own again and not have to worry about someone else making me happy anymore. I've had enough heartbreak for now... so a new relationship wont help my situation. The only thing that will help is making myself happy again! That is most important.

I think this is something we learn as we get older. We learn a lot more about ourselves and what we need. Honestly, although I am in a lot of pain still, I am kind of happy being alone. It can be very lonely at times, but I don't have much of an interest right now in starting over. The only thing I want to start over with is finding ME again.

[Eocsor]

Thats a good attitude and an honest way to look at things. I still remember after my divorce I was at a club months later, leaning up against the bar and just crowd surfing and I though to myself, ya know, it's gonna be all right. I took a good 16 months before I started dating, but from that moment on i knew I was going to be all right. Outside of the birth of my children it's still my favorite moment in my life. Just the realization that I'd gotten to a place where I could see the light at the end of the tunnel and understood that life was good again.

[Robin2904]

I agree with this.

 

It's been about 5 months for me since the initial break and I've made progress. It does take time. Everyone always said to me both on here and in my own life how important time was. And I understood it but I wanted an instant fix and truth is- there is none. I look back a few months and I was such a mess, and I feel you have to go through that process- as hard as it is- and believe me I know how horrible it is. But its made a stronger person. I've learned a lot through this process. I'm now at the point where I just want to live my life and have a good time. At first I missed the closeness, and really longed for someone else to fill that void- and while I do still miss the closeness I don't want to rush into anything again. I'm happy just being single me for a bit, and I think everyone should enjoy that time period. It's important.

 

Believe me, you can read my back posts- I was a mess for a long while. I still have my days where I'm a bit down- but time has helped so much. So it does get better so hang on guys! And I would like to advocate not being in contact. I struggle with this sometimes, but every time we've had contact (Even as limited as texting- which happened a few weeks ago) it really has hindered my healing. It's ALWAYS set me back, so if you can avoid it you should keep NC or very minimal contact.

 

Hugs to all and keep your heads up!