Help with situation

[Satch]

Hi Toni,

 

Could you please give me some advice on my problem.

 

My situation is as follows (I'll try to be concise):

* My ex is almost 23, I'm 33. Before the alarm bells start ringing, we did meet each other at a more level place maturity wise (ie she is more mature for her age, and I don't feel 33). Age was never a concern for her, and her father has a similar age diff with his wife. We enjoyed doing the same types of things together.

* We were together 2.5 years, living together for 2

* I'd actually left my wife to be with my ex, but my wife cheated on me which ultimately lead to leaving her.

* I told my ex early on that I didn't want to get married again. Realise now that this is because my ex wife shattered my trust. I do want to get married to my ex.

* I always had trouble telling my ex that I loved her (hardly ever did), for the same trust reasons. She would try to tell me and I'd blow it off. It became a game after a while. I showed it in other ways. I did love her, and still do very much.

* Sometimes I acted selfishly, and influenced my ex into not doing a few things (not many, but enough for her to get a bit upset).

* My ex always did everything with me. Never really had her own interests, and never made any real friends. I don't feel that I stopped her doing these things.

* When she left me, she told me four things. 1) You never tell me how you feel, 2) I don't feel like my own person anymore, 3) I don't see us together in future, 4) I don't love you enough to be in a relationship anymore.

* Of course I cried, begged and pleaded to her. Told her to excess that I loved her and cared for her more than anything. Somewhat smothered her.

* I told her that I did want to get married (truth), and I did want to have children with her (also truth).

* She stayed with me for a few more days and told me that she loved me and even said that she would marry me one day. Then she left for good.

* I sent her a letter declaring my love for her.

 

That was almost 2 months ago. I've had a lot of time to think about things on my own, and am even taking counselling. I truly do want to marry her, and I TRULY do want to have children with her. I feel that these two issues are her main issues for leaving me. I've prepared a second letter explaining my thoughts, and telling her that I've realised a few flaws in my habits and behaviours. Stating real examples even.

 

She is moving to another city shortly, about 9 hours drive from where I live. We were planning to move there together, as my job is moving at the end of the year, and she was going to come with. But she's got a job there anyway, and will be moving in 2-3 weeks time. I feel like I am running out of time, and the only way to show her that I have been thinking seriously about things is to send her this letter.

 

I want to send it to her on her birthday at the end of the month, along with a card and a present. I also want to send her two other things. 1) a toy ring with a note saying "I've included this toy ring to check the size of your ring finger. If we do get back together, then I will know exactly what size engagement ring to offer you." And a pacifier with a note saying "This is one of two pacifiers that I have purchased. I have the other one. If we get back together, you will be able to give your pacifier to our first child, and I'll be able to give my pacifier to our second child.

 

We still talk occasionally, and only about light things. She seems to be really happy when she is talking to me. We met for lunch once, and that went really well. I've asked her out to the movies this weekend, and she said that she is not sure, but will let me know.

 

I'd like your advice on what to do next please. Any ideas?

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

[Hannibal]

Well let me first adress the issue of movie on the weekend.

 

I read on here a while back that anything other then a yes is a no so try not to get your hopes up for a date on the weekend.

 

Secondly I wouldn't advise you to send that letter to her on her birthday with her birthday present. You're running a big risk of offending her by trying to get her back with her birthday present. Maybe wait a week to send that letter and such.

 

Thats all i have to say