feeling defeated

[Marisa33]

Been with my bf now three months, I was so cautious at first and recently my heart started feeling he is the man that I can let my guard down with. He has been nothing but kind, gentle, understanding and considerate. He makes me laugh consistently and has a great work ethic and also cares about my future. Last week though, I felt taken back to square one of being stand offish.

 

He applied for a job that would require him to leave the state and without talking to me about it just did it. I understand he is a grown man and can do what he wants but I wouldn't have done that, so why would he? We've both expressed were usually the ones being left in our relationships and at first he would say "you're going to break my heart" and I would tell him "i'm not that kind of person". But last week I was obviously saddened that he would do this with the whole job thing and he said it wasn't a sure thing and he didn't even have an interview for it. That if he got the job maybe I could get a job there too. But we both agreed that we don't want to live together this soon because we like the way things are and I"m too afraid to live alone so I dont even know how that would work? I just felt so put off to the side, like I did in my old relationships and I was shocked because he's never done or said anything to make me think he would hurt me.

 

So that night he asked me to come to his house and so I did and we didn't really say much about it until bed time because I didn't really know how to approach it and he thought i was being "silly" by being so saddened by it when he first told me. But he got mad at me when we went to bed because I needed to talk about it and I just felt so much anxiety over it. He said, "I'm half drunk and you want to talk about this, let's talk about it in the morning" and I was like "but I feel so off balance with you and I'm not going to be able to sleep" and he was like "I don't know if this is going to work, you're freaking out about nothing, and I'm not going to plan my life around some girl" when I asked if I was just "some girl" he said "no, but I'm not going to let another girl hurt me again and I need to worry about me for a change". Then he told me "I'm not going anywhere so stop worrying". Then I rolled over and kissed him and he said again that he wasn't going anywhere and of course we made love. But in the morning we didn't talk about it and just spent the rest of the weekend together acting as if it didn't happen.

 

I still feel scared and the things he said are in my head and I feel like i"m going to get hurt again! I'm so sad that he said some of those things and I dont know if he meant them or if he was just upset. But I know myself and I would never say those things to someone I care about. He was the one to say "I love you" first and say were getting married someday and then he goes and applies for a job that could take him away from me and says those things to me? Bottom line I don't want to lose him and I want to show him I'm not this clingy girl, but how can he expect me to be so calm about a subject like that you know? I love him and I don't want him to leave me.

 

What do i do from this point? How do I act? Did he really mean those things or was he just angry?

 

We never fight and we always have so much fun together and I never give him the impression that I"m going to hurt him or take away his independence. I don't know why he said those things.

 

I do know though that we have both been badly hurt by other relationships and neither of us want to get hurt again. He even said he will act like a jerk and put up walls so he doesn't get hurt, do you think that's what he was doing?

 

I wanted to leave that night but he kept holding me tight so I wouldn't go, and although he didn't say it I knew he didn't want me to becuase he wouldn't let go of me, he just kept cuddling with me.

 

what shoudl I do, was this just a first fight/first time of insecurity in this relationship?

[Ambiguous X]

3 months is alittle early to be as deeply invested as you are. Go forward wtih your life and stop trying to control things.

[Marisa33]

Well we've known each other for 8months. We've been official 3months.

[DrKitten]

I agree with Ambiguous X. 3 months is way too soon to try to involve yourself in these decisions. Unless you're married or have solid plans to marry, I don't think he needs to consult you on this at all. He has to do right by him.

 

Look, relationships are hard work and life throws many curve balls. You're never going to have a successful relationship if all you think is "Oh no! I'm going to get hurt again!" at every obstacle. Remember it's not all about you. If this job could be good for him, then you need to support him. He will appreciate a woman who will always have his back and encourages him to follow his dreams, even if it means having a LDR for a while. LDRs are tough, but they're not the end of the world. He will be less excited to come home to a woman who always says, "but what about ME?"

 

If you uplift and support each other, your relationship will get stronger and your bond will deepen. Together, you will be able to overcome the many, many obstacles that will come your way. But sometimes you have to let go a little, and you have to trust.

[DrKitten]

I respectfully disagree, agresel. I don't think most people are thinking about forever at the beginning of a relationship. They are still learning if they are even compatible, if they even have the potential to be a happy, cohesive couple. In my opinion, the whole first year of a relationship is just learning about each other and exploring that potential. Forever comes after time, and many trials and tribulations. How serious can you really be about someone at 3 months? It's certainly not the same as 3 years.

[Marisa33]

Thank you both, you both have some vaild points. I suppose I'm just thrown off by him because he was the one saying, "were going to be married someday I know it" and then he does this. I told him that I'm very much invested in his happiness but as we discussed at the beginning of our relationship that he cannot do long distance because he did it once and said he learned it was too hard for him. So by him applying for this job it made me feel like it wasn't going to work because of what he said.

 

Also, he mentioned about me going with him if it works out once we talked about it, but I mean I can't just leave my career and life here without some kind of stronger commitment can I? I mean I don't think he would do that for me, so why throw this curve ball in there? Maybe he was testing me to see how much I really care about him, but if so that's really mean.

 

His family is coming this week and he wants me to meet them...I don't know what to think. All I know is I wouldn't do this to him with the whole job thing, but at the same time I know he's been hurt and he probably wants to see an opporunity through if it's there. What he doesn't get though is I'm not his ex-gf's and I won't hurt him like that, I know myself. When Im with someone I'm commited unless they give me a reason to get out, like cheating or abuse, etc.

 

He even asked me after two months if I'd consider moving away to his home state if it got serious and I said "I'd move anywhere for someone I love" so he has to think of me as a potential forever, but still this is all so sudden and I feel so side-swipped