I need some guidance as to what I should do...NC or not?

[aegis1314]

This is kinda rushed 'cause I typed this up in the middle of work (it's a summer job) every now and then I had the time to slip in a few sentences. (Hadn't had the time to proofread either)

 

It's a long story actually, but to make it short...I've been together with my girlfriend for 2 years and although we've been going through arguments every now and then, we both love each other very much. We've had breakups during these 2 years, but everytime we've got back together again.

 

(What comes next might sound kinda strange, because we're both living in Hong Kong...and my language might sound strange too)

 

Anyway there was always this problem of her having not enough of her personal space and myself always having most of my own life revolving around her; and our short tempers. I kinda lack self confidence and this led to a lot of problems as I was being really sensitive to the slightest chances that she might leave me for someone else. There have been times which I'd held on tighter 'cause of the 'paranoia' and which created further problems. I'm aware of the problems that are present, but I'd never really been able to find ways to overcome them. Another problem I have is that I can get myself really absorbed in a relationship, so much that a lot of my focus shifts over to her and I kinda forget about my own needs and social life. On the other hand, she has a really close 'best friend' and new group of friends she knew from work. (She's the type that puts her focus more on friends than boyfriend.)

 

Well, anyway, she studies in a girl's school and she hasn't much of a chance to meet other guys. We're in the middle of the summer holidays right now and she's got this summer job that she's been working for about 2 months. I got a little suspicious when she started acting strange everytime I suggested picking her up from work. Maybe in a way I kinda made her felt uncomfortable when I held tighter everytime I felt something was wrong. She's told me less about her life and she has started to hide some things as well, so I think it wouldn't come as a surprise that I'd become suspicious.

 

I kinda have a problem with depression and there have been several occasions I'd feel really down (after how she treats me, like refusing to answer my calls, SMS, ICQ, etc) I've even tried suicide before once when I felt really hurt.

 

Anyway, a month ago, I nearly did that in front of her and it kinda scared her. Since that day, her feelings for me kinda faded and she started treating me strange, like caring less about me. It finally blew up after several weeks, and after a short 'episode' and a lot of persuasion, she'd finally told me what was making her feelings towards me fade - she felt I had seemed to have become someone so horrifying ('cause of suicide) and that made her really scared. We had a chat about that afterwards and I had said I'll seek help, professional or not.

 

The relationship improved a bit after that, but she still seemed a bit reluctant to disclose some things about her life, especially those that involve her friends and her colleagues at work. I didn't force her to tell me about them though. The relationship remained a bit fragile until last week we just blew up again over a small problem. Actually it was I who got really mad at first as she'd suddenly decided to leave HK for a 2-day trip with her friend when before she'd promised me a few days out. The problem sounds like a childish reason to blow up on, but there had been a lot of things that have made me kinda angry before.

 

The numerous reasons (that made me angry) had me thinking of a REAL breakup, but I guess I had been acting out of impulse. Anyway, she got mad at me and I'd suggested let's break, this time seriously. She did seem sort of reluctant at that time; I could see she was a bit unprepared for a break up before.. I sounded really serious then though. But as her HKCEE Exam results (i think that equivalent to the SAT exams?) are going to be released next week (she gets really nervous over her academic results, she's the type that has nightmares about them every night since a week before the results release) she said she doesn't want to be 'distracted' at this time, i.e. save the breakups till later. I'd said alright, we'll have a serious talk (and break up) after the results release. Of course once I'd calmed down after a few days, I realised that deep down I really love her had only acted out of impulse. What I really wanted was some time alone, away from her so that I can 'fix my life' and be myself again (stop myself from being so paranoid worrying about her, the paranoia was really ruining me...and find a solution to this depression problem); or a rest, maybe for a week or two, but I still want to stay together.

 

I've got this online diary that only she and I has access to, and it's a 'passive' way of communicating between us. She still reads it everyday. I'd posted a message a few days ago saying (in an indirect way) that I want some time to rest and fix my life. I'm not sure whether she's got the wrong message that I want to break though...I've decided to set things straight, but not sure how.

 

I'm not sure whether she's mad at me or hurt. What should I do now? I've phoned her once and she sounded really cool, so I assume she's mad. Should I have No Contact for the time being until next week (results) when she would be free for a 'serious chat'? I realised that this is the time she would need me most, coz of the results release...so should I continue contacting her? Should I continue posting messages in my diary during this No Contact period? If yes, should I just post stuff that's going on in my life or just my feelings towards her? Should I post a message saying clearly that I want some time to rest to 'fix myself'? Or should I totally disappear for the time being? (but then, if this is the time she needs me most) For some reason I feel that after the results release (she'll have no problems with her results I'm sure) she'll be able to get over her feelings for me (she's good at suppressing them) and probably wouldn't want to stay together then (especially now that she spends time everyday with her new friends).

[giggirl]

Hello,

 

Well it seems I feel what your going through because in fact i'm in a similar situation, not exactly the same but similar. So my advice to you would be to put your feelings out there where she can acknowledge them for the time being. As for your emotional state it seems that being in a relationship dosen't seem to help you cope with your state of mind, but

maybe if you talk it through with her and she's willing to help you overcome your fears and anxiety by realizing how the way she acts towards you affects you more so than others. Maybe she's scared because she dosent really know what's going on or how you feel exactly,

If you want to work it out that is. And if it dosent end up working out

maybe you should take time to live life to it's fullest and not analize life to the point that it makes you sad just try to be happy and dont let the bad stuff that people say get to you because you determine who you are not them.

Well I hope my words help and if not I'm sure you'll figure out what's in your heart and what you really need in life.

good luck I do hope it works out