How should we deal with this?

[chatelaine]

My SO (significant other) lives in another state. He came to visit me recently, and his leaving to go back home was one of the hardest things either of us have ever had to go through in our lives. We realized through all of this that we really want and NEED to sort out all of our plans about getting married and starting our life together. A life apart just isn't an option for us, and we feel that a long distance relationship isn't something we're interested in any longer. We've been talking everyday since December 8th of last year. We started out as friends, and it very naturally became a romantic relationship. We've discussed every aspect of our plans together, as far as living arrangements are concerned, where we'll live, children, money, spiritual beliefs, etc. To put it in a nutshell -- I'm 100,000,000 % sure that this man is my soul mate. After being in an abusive relationship for three years, I'm so happy I've found someone who loves and honors me. His love is the greatest gift I could ever ask for from God.

 

But, of course life has to put a damper on things. His brother is a recovering alcoholic, and is currently living at my SO's house. My SO and his brother both have their names on the property, it was an inheritance from a family member. Although his brother plans to move out soon, it's still kind of a bummer to think about being newlyweds and having to share living arrangements. His brother plans to move out in about two months, however I'm really worried this won't happen. Meanwhile, my SO's sister and her boyfriend are also staying on the property, and neither of them are helping with the bills. Her boyfriend refuses to work. My SO is very upset about this because it is ultimately HIS house, and his sister and her boyfriend have no respect for that. He took care of his sister financially for a long time, but now he realizes that in order for him to start his life with me, people have to start pulling their own weight.

 

I feel so badly about the situation. My significant other is going to give his sister and her boyfriend an ultimatum, either find a job or get out. However I hate the thought of sharing living arrangements, even if they're doing their part with the bills. Is that selfish of me? The only other option is for us to find an apartment, however it goes against everything we both believe in. My significant other OWNS this house outright , and it would be so helpful for us not to have to pay rent as we're just getting started. The land also has a special meaning for him as it was his grandparents'.

 

I feel a little hesitant moving to another state with the situation as is. However, my SO has a great job that will get even better once his place of work merges with a university; he'll have benefits, 401k, and be making a great hourly wage. He's a hard worker and is currently working two jobs, as well as doing things around the house. I know he would be a great provider and a wonderful husband and father.

 

I know I'll be moving there eventually. I just don't know when this should happen. It's driving me crazy and I don't know what to do. I can't stand the thought of us being apart for any longer than necessary. Advice please?](*,)

[annony]

Does he own it alone, or does he own part of it, with his siblings owning the other parts?

It strikes me as unusual that one sibling would get all of it.

I would just go live with them, it looks like in this case, you can't have your cake and eat it too.

Down the road I'm sure this will change and you will get a space all your own, and the siblings will want their space as well.

It's going to be a compromise either way, you stay apart, but don't live with the siblings, or you get to be together, but the siblings are there.

[Stay_home]

My SO is very upset about this because it is ultimately HIS house, and his sister and her boyfriend have no respect for that. He took care of his sister financially for a long time, but now he realizes that in order for him to start his life with me, people have to start pulling their own weight.

 

This is a very essential boulder in the road and I need you to re-read this small paragraph and tell me what you get from it..

 

Want to know what I see?

 

I see a long term problem that got started long before you two even met. Your signficant other playing the role of the parent and cleaning up after what should be responsible adults capable of standing on their own two feet. This has been ongoing problem for sometime and will be, unless your significant other puts his foot down and starts to lay down the law of the land. There's no excuse for the sister staying in the house with a grown ass man refusing to work. Are you friggin' kidding me? And the alcoholic brother says he's leaving, so go... As harsh as the realities may seem, not only is your SO getting screwed over, but he's allowing it to happen and has been allowing it to happen for sometime. Not to mention, it's holding him up. Which in turn, is also holding you up as well - if you two have plans for the future and obviously this is a chip on the shoulder that needs to be knocked off. It's a domino effect, but it's got nothing to do with you... This is your SO's family and it's HIS house, so he needs to be the one to address it.

 

I don't blame you for not wanting to share the house with his relatives, that doesn't leave a lot of privacy for you all and not to mention the circumstances. The circumstances already indicate that your newlywed inlaws will not be the greatest roommates, either. Another thought that comes to mind, you may need to watch your back around those inlaws too. Because when and then the day does come when your SO puts that foot down and gives out the boot, the inlaws are gonna point to you as the bad guy. Because until you came along, everything was going well (according to them). This is a big pile of ship that your SO needs to get up and you cannot intervene and help. This is an ongoing issue that he needs to address and deal with. Otherwise, it's going to continue to hold you guys up. And it's quite obvious that the inlaws don't have the kind of consideration for their sibiling as you do. If they did, they wouldn't do him like this.

 

I know a lot about this because I went through a very similiar situation a few years ago. From the outside looking in, hindsight snuck out the backdoor on me.. Because if I wouldn't knew then what I know now, I probably could've saved myself some grief and some years. I'm not trying to discourage you, by all means... But only opening your eyes that this isn't something that seem to start overnight, this has been a pattern long before you two have even been together. Now that you know what you're working with, you can see it from fullview. If anything, watch your SO and watch and see if he actually addresses the issue. Family sometimes can be your worse enemy, because they hit you where it hurts the most. Right now, that's exactly what's happening.

[chatelaine]

My SO and his brother own the property. His sister doesn't own any part of it.