needing to vent

[EmptySoul]

i am here, at my grandmothers, as i always am when on the internet.

 

tonight, after yet another fight between my parents, over money, my father broke all the phones and turned off the electricity. so we left, and came up here. my mother left to go see how much else he destroyed and was supposed to come right back. i have lost track of how much time has went by, but i know it has been much longer than it should have been. how do i know that he didn't get bored with household appliances and decide to use my mother instead? if he hurt her, at all, i swear on my empty soul that i will kill him.

 

my closest and only friend has started cutting. she is becoming me. it is so wrong. she started "scraping", so i got the idea from her and started doing it too. but then i took it further and further. and now she is following me in my self-injury. i hope nathan can save her.

 

my 15th birthday is on wednesday. i will have survived 15 years on this planet. i cannot decide whether i want to spend it completely alone, or with my only friend.

 

all day today i have wanted to cut so bad. worse than i ever have before. i want to cut so deep into my wrist that the blood will cover the floor and i can just watch it flow. but i didnt. ive had to resort to cutting on my ribs and legs, where the skin is thicker and no one will see. i didnt even do that today.

 

for the first time, in a long time i have let myself place my limited happiness in the hands of a male. it is driving me insane. i am trying my hardest not to turn back and be the way i usually am: never calling, no feelings, no relationship, just sex. it is so much easier that way- there is no risk, no pain, nothing. maybe i'll just give up, i don't know.

 

an old friend of mine is pregnant. i don't know why it is staying on my mind- yesterday was the first time we'd talked in years, and she's 18. (there are much worse ages to be 3 months pregnant.) i guess it is because i know what her childhood was like: parents who were always screaming about chores or mistakes or just yelling period. she seemed to have missed her childhood all together, and now as she had moved out of that house, she is pregnant. she skipped childhood, went straight to adulthood and now is going to be a mother. another person's life will be in her hands. i just wonder how much she is secretly like me on the inside? i wonder what life that child will have.

 

there was a fire recently in guatamala. the people working at the store locked all the doors when the fire started, so the customers could not leave without paying. as a result, yes those people did not leave without paying- they didn't leave at all. people's ignorance makes me so angry.

 

i guess thats all i have to write. the best of luck to all of those like me, struggling with themselves, with the world. (struggling to live.)

 

EmptySoul

[Courtney]

im srry to hear ur story, but theres so much thats going to happen, just wait and don't give up if u eva need to chat im me ok....im 15 too..

[birdgirl]

Hang in there. It gets so much better. I'd never want to be 15 again. Before you know it, you'll be an adult and you'll be more in control of what happens to you. Every day seems so long, but I swear, time flies and things will get better.

[under_the_pressure]

Empty, I promise it's not your fault. It just happened last night, and it was because of Mom's pain, not mine. Don't think you did this to me. I'm happy. I love you and always will. If it wasn't for you and nathan I would not be happy or maybe not even be -here- I love you both, dearly.

 

15 years girl, 15! Think in one more you'll be 16, and me and you will get to see 'him' and nathan whenver we want. No more putting up with half the **** we put up with now. Then we'll be 18 and together. Doing whatever we want, having fun and be out of the house.

 

I'm not going to lie to you, placing your limited happiness in the hands of a male is a risk. But...I did it. The first time my heart was crushed and I never thought I'd be able to feel this good again. This time, I took the risk once more and look where I am at. I'm happy...h-a-p-p-y. For once in a very very long time. We can talk about guys again! We can be 'girls.' Not talking about suicide and writing our notes together, we can be 'teenagers!'

 

I hope her baby has a better life then she did. She's a child with a child...remember? But we pray they never fall nor fail...they'll be a great family. Ignore the remarks your mother and grandmother make about her. Maybe she is like some of us on the inside, but maybe this child will make her happier.

 

I love you....and I hope we can pull through this. Don't blame yourself for my actions. I told nathan about it....everything is better now. I hope you choose to stay in this life, with your only friend. You mean alot to me. And I want to thank you for sticking with me for this long.

 

 

With all My Love,

Under

[i_hate_the_world47]

empty soul,

I am sorry to hear about your situation. cant come to know your pain,but i have been there.I live it.My parents hate me and my friends have strted cutting.I just want you to know your not alone.If you ever need to talk feel free to PM me.

 

~Meagan~

[trulyDee]

I am 37, and oddly enough share in a lot of what you younger kids are feeling. The only difference is age.

 

I've had a lousy rotten childhood...(we could share stories there, I'm sure)

but my adult life isn't looking any better. I had several "good" years while I was married to my husband (who left me close to three years ago)

 

I bought the house we lived in, I am working fulltime, and I am totally miserable with it all.

 

I'm alone, and have no goals or direction. I want my OLD life back.