should I write a letter?

[slw1]

Here is my situation real brief--I went out with my girlfriend for only 4 months but were friends for about 6 months before that.Back in april she broke up with me because she thought I was a dishonest person but that she had cared about me an awfull lot.She also told me that her heart told her the relationship was right but her head told her it was wrong...Two days after she broke up with me she was calling me again and 3 weeks later we were back together again.We were back for only three weeks ( we only saw each other 3 times in that span)and she broke up with me again.The next day she called to apologize for getting mad at me.Two weeks later we were hanging out again as friends.She would still hold my hand and and show affection for me but she only wanted to be friends.

 

I know this is a short relationship but I have never felt so strongly about anyone in my life.I am madly in love with this woman.I will never meet another woman for whom i have so much in common with.I tried to be "friends

" with her but it wasnt working and I have done NC for two weeks now.

 

Since this was a short relationship I dont know how much longer i should do the NC.I have always giving her lots of space anyway and I think she is seeeing another guy.I want to write her a letter saying how much I love her(I have never told her) and remind her of all the fun times we had and could still have,I also want to ask her out to dinner.The last time I saw her she told me she didnt want to here my feelings for her because it wouldnt help.So do you think telling her my feeelings in a letter would be a good idea?Ladies how would you react to receiveing a letter like this?

 

thanks for any replies..

[kitten]

I'd hold off on that letter, and I'll tell you why.

 

First, I've tried it. Several times, with different girls. It never works.

 

But why doesn't it work? There's a couple reasons. Usually you're trying to write when the pain is still too fresh. You seriously need to give yourself time, two weeks or so, to calm down. Of course it will still hurt but you won't be writing haphazardly, if that makes sense.

 

It's kind of like how, in a crisis situation, the people directly involved are running around, putting out fires, and trying to fix things quickly and often making things worse. Sometimes the best person for the job is someone who just walked in and isn't directly involved, because he's got a cool head. You want to give yourself time to be the cool head -- not the people running around desperately trying to fix things.

 

Also, if and when you do write a letter, may I suggest you keep things as brief as possible. I, like many others, have a tendency to construct these long-winded magnum opuses, page after page of apologetic weeping, reassurances, confessions, etc. It's heartfelt but nobody wants to plow through a novel. I say, keep it down to one page if at all possible -- and even better, try to get it down in a card.

 

Yes, a card. That way, you'll be sure you're only touching on the *important* issues, not sidetracking yourself with apologies and accusations and meandering thoughts.

 

Still, I think there's a lot to be said for NC. I've never tried it before -- only now trying it (and only half succeeding) with my current ex, and to tell the truth, although the pain is still immense, it's not nearly as sharp as it was with previous girls, when I'd be calling them all the time, seeing them all the time, hoping that they'd take pity on my misery and come back.

 

So. Hold off on that letter. Maybe you should start writing it now, to get your thoughts down, and try to revise it once a day, gradually trimming it to the most salient points, until you have something profound yet non-confrontational and non-desperate sounding to put on a pretty card and give to her.