A girl I consider a friend may be flirting/dating my ex?! (3 months post BU)

[cardinalsings]

My ex broke up with me 3 months ago. He dumped me because we had a lot of fights and it was mainly because I was very insecure and jealous. I worried that he would grow feelings for some girl and leave me. Since then, I have realized all my faults and how stupid I was to be so jealous, insecure, accusatory, controlling and worried. I was missing him and blaming myself badly up until the other day....

 

I have a friend who I've known for two years and have seen her once in a while (maybe once every 3 months or so...) because we work some random events for this company in the city and would end up riding home together. We also spent a lot of time together while on the company trip. We clicked and would have long conversations about my relationship with my ex who I was still dating at the time (we were together for four years btw). And she would talk about her ex. I confided lots of bad, unhappy information about our relationship and she gave me advice. I also told her a lot of good things about him and how we got together. She is a sweetheart and extremely nice and kind. We also have spoken over the phone a few times because I helped her out with something and I sent her a text on her birthday recently....

 

Anyway, she and my ex ended up meeting while doing a show back in November and toward the end of their show, he dumped me. Two weeks after we broke up, I saw he Liked a couple of her photos (of just her) on facebook a few hours apart! I started freaking out that he may have dumped me because he had gotten a crush on her....because there he was thinking about her all day and going BACK to her pictures to Like another one or two later on in the day....On top of that, to my surprise one of the photos had a comment about how he disliked the team of the shirt she was wearing and the comment had been posted while we were still together. I never knew about it because after checking back on his wall, I realized he had taken the notification down so I wouldn't know he commented. He never takes notifications down....

 

So, I saw my friend again at the end of December and we rode home together after work. She knew we had broken up. I didn't ask and she didn't mention the Liking of her photos by my ex post BU. She told me there was gossip about whether we were breaking up. She went on to tell me that she remembered some things I had told her and had noticed that he seems to be odd and twist what people say and what he says. She basically was telling me I should be relieved to be away from him. She didn't seem at all interested in him, so I felt relief that it seemed nothing had been going on between them....

 

They ended up performing in another show again this month and it just ended last weekend. I've also heard from my friend that he has pushed twice to get her cast in a show at this other playhouse where he performs. I saw last week she left him a video on his wall and realized that she knew he was ill and was comforting him with the video...he responded to it and she responded back...it seemed innocent and friendly, not flirty. Then, this week, I saw he posted the same video on her wall and I realized he must know she is now ill too. She hasn't responded yet to the video. Then yesterday, my stomach turned upside down because he left her a video of a love song from some show and the video he chose had a photo preview still of a guy and a girl about to kiss. The whole video is an animation of a guy and girl in love...She hasn't yet responded to that either.

 

But I think it's safe to say, he has feelings for her. Now I'm worried and wondering if she has feelings for him or if they are even dating. That love song video is pretty intense to leave a girl...and their show has now ended and he is still leaving her these posts on facebook. I'm wondering if they text each other and that's how he knows she is not feeling well too.....

 

It's making me sick to my stomach the idea of a friend of mine (especially one I confided so many details about my relationship with my ex), might actually go out or at least be flirting with my ex. I don't know what to think. I feel an ultimate betrayal right now just assuming that's what is happening. Not to mention, she is a very nice person and if she really isn't loyal to me, despite the fact that we aren't the best of friends....I may lose faith in humanity because she genuinely seemed like a good person whom I decided to entrust my thoughts and feelings to.

 

And I feel a betrayal on his end because I feel that he may have dumped me because he knew they would be doing this second show together and maybe he thought he had a shot with her or at least he was having feelings for her so it made him realize he didn't want to be with me. Also, it's so rude and hurtful to go after someone he knows is a friend of mine and co-worker, even if he thinks they are now good friends too...it's the principle of the matter.

 

Basically, I am beside myself. I don't know what to think. I do believe I can assume he is really into her because I know him pretty well and I am sensing that's the case. I don't know whether to think they have been flirting....or even dating! I don't know whether to think they are texting each other and still in contact after the show ended.

 

I don't think it would be appropriate for me to contact her and ask her about this because it might freak her out if there is nothing going on and then it might put a rift between us for accusing her of something. Right? I guess I can only wait and see?

 

He can go date and flirt and chase after whoever he likes, as long as it isn't a friend of mine. Am I wrong?

[justpromise]

Honestly, I think you're spending way too much time on these peoples facebooks. Maybe if you'd spend less time obsessing over this ex and this girl who really isn't even your friend (because talking every three months or so isn't really a friendship) you'd have found someone else or at least gotten over it.

[pinkelephant]

I don't think there's anything wrong with them dating.. she's your friend, you confided in her, but you don't own her... she can date whoever she wants.

[sunshine1]

He can go date and flirt and chase after whoever he likes, as long as it isn't a friend of mine. Am I wrong?

 

I think this is just an excuse. You are trying to tell yourself that the reason you are so hurt/upset/mad is because it is a "friend" of yours, when really no matter who it was you would be feeling this way. You're just trying to make it seem as if they are doing something wrong so that you can be more angry than hurt/upset and blame them for how you're feeling.

 

A break up hurts - especially after 4 years - and knowing he is dating someone else will be painful. But really he is free to date who he wants and she is free to date who she wants. I think by you saying he can date whoever he wants as long as it isn't a friend of mine is just another controlling aspect of your behavior in this relationship (which has now ended).

 

It is one thing if this was your absolute best friend in the world, but this seems to be an aquaintance more so than a close friendship. AND - you are just assuming all of this. It does seem that there MIGHT be some interest there, but just seeing facebook posts does not mean there is anything going on. Some people are really flirty/friendly on facebook and it means NOTHING in real life. You shouldn't assume anything is going on and even if it is, I think its safe to say that you shouldn't be worried about him/their life but focus on YOU.

 

You said in the beginning that you realized why he broke up with you (insecure, clingy, jealous, controlling) YOU ARE STILL DOING?/BEING ALL OF THOSE THINGS. Learn to change your own behaviors so that the next time you're in a relationship this doesn't happen.

[cardinalsings]

I don't have a problem with him dating. Of course it hurts to know, but I have been dating since we broke up. I know he somewhat dated this pretty girl who I don't know. It hurts to think about, but it's not something I am feeling insecure or controlling over. It just is what it is. I understand that he will be dating because we're not together. BUT, I have a major problem if it's a friend of mine and this particular girl I do consider my friend. I don't know how she feels towards me. I would have assumed if someone asked, she would have said I was her friend. But now I have doubts. I was certainly under the impression we were friends. And she seemed to act like my ex was an oddball and the fact that I confided in her too for a span of two years is really killing me.

 

I don't believe I'm wrong to think it would be hurtful and wrong of her to get involved with my ex. And he also is a pig to go after this girl who he knows I work with time to time and I have even told him before while we were still going out that she is my friend....so he knows I see her as my friend.

 

The whole idea of them together makes me feel so ill because if I had known they'd get together after I was friends with her for two years ...I wouldn't have given her so much information about me and my relationship with him and I wouldn't have got the idea in my head that we were friends.

 

I wouldn't have trusted her if I'd known they'd ever even meet and never would have imagined she'd date my recent ex of four years! She even told me he really loved me one time after she got to know him. And I told her that I loved him so much and wanted to get more serious but he had commitment issues. It's all so sickening to think about if it's true that they're flirting and dating.