Overcoming my own resentment

[Doctor Smurf]

I'm beginning to resent my girlfriend for the success she's enjoying. I realise that it's because of my own insecurities, so any advice on how to over come it would be very much welcome. Here's the background:

 

We've been dating for 8 months, she's 17, I am 21. I'm just finishing a BSc Computer Science degree at a small, not particularly renowned Welsh university. I'm studying there because it's the only place I could go and graduate without debt because I'm from a relatively poor family. I still live at home with my family, and was offered a good job with a company in Oxford.

 

At the same time the University have offered me a scholarship to do an MSc, and be paid to do it. I've accepted this instead of the job, because although I may not enjoy doing it, it's a tremendous opportunity. This means I'll be staying at home for another year or so, and studying in the same place.

 

My girlfriend is about to go to university. Her situation is totally different, she's been offered a place at Kings College London, and with her background can afford to take it.

 

I'm very happy for her, and proud to be able to share some of her success. But I feel so envious of the things she'll be doing, particularly that she's moving out to such an amazing cosmopolitan place. As the older of the two of us, still living at home, I feel like a total failure.

 

She also tends to put down my university, if I offer her advice from my experience she immediately counters it with, "Yes, but that's only how they do it there...". What she says is totally factually correct, so I can't really correct her on anything - it's not a great place to study.

 

I haven't discussed my feelings with her because I feel it would just shove a wedge between us - I don't like to discuss a problem when I can't suggest a solution!

 

I feel the problem is more mine than hers, how do you think I can deal with it? Thank you!

[lerira]

It could be that your girlfriend is jealous in return. Think about it. You're out of college, you've been offered to do an MSc program, and she's barely (not even!) starting out. Who knows! Maybe she'll hate the college, fail her courses, and drop out! My point is- don't take everything word for word. There could be many insecurities on her part. Don't compare yourself.

As far as discussing your feelings with her, it's a bit tricky. By telling her your insecurities and hurts towards what she says, she could gloat deep down inside- she 'conquered' you, made you feel incompetent, and now you're at her mercy. My best suggestion is to deal with a therapist and keep it all to yourself.