Ex ruined my self esteem - finding it hard to get it back

[twinkle]

I was with my exboyfriend for over three years. When I look back now, I can't understand why i stayed so long. IT got to the stage where he was always making negative comments on how i looked and what I ate. He knew I had issues with my weight (I'd had bullimia a few years earlier) and yet he was always commenting that i was fatter than this person or that person. I think I stayed because he convinced me that nobody else would ever want me. If my boyfriend thought i was that ugly, how could anyone else want me?

 

Finally we broke up and now i'm with a fantastic guy who thinks the world of me. he's always paying me compliments and telling me i'm beautiful. but i find it so hard to believe, and i know he feels like i'm throwing all his compliments back in his face.

 

how can i improve on my self esteem and believe people when they say nice things about me?!

[evepm]

Dearest twinkle:

 

Your ex tried to control you by messing with your self esteem. Obviously he was insecure and he had the problem not you. One of my ex's was the same exact way. I have always taking pride in everything that I do. Like keeping a nice home, pride in my work, etc. He left me feeling that no matter how clean the house was, it wasn't clean enough. I was in between careers when I met him and I was attempting to start my own business. He would constantly undermine my self-esteem by telling me that I never follow through with anything. When we broke it didn't take long for me to realize that he was a jerk and that there was nothing wrong with me.

 

Since you've had bulimia, your esteem problems probably started before you met your ex and he simply compounded them. Your new guy sounds great and it might be a good idea to share your feelings with him so that he can give you some support in this area. But the bottom line is that only you can make you feel good about yourself. It's going to take sometime to overcome this. You may also want to go back and take a look at the things that may have led to your bulimia.

 

Take a look at ALL the positive, beautiful things about you. Something that I tried and it worked was to write down all the positive things about myself and tell myself these things until I started to believe them. It may feel weird at first but positive reinforcement about you might help. I wish the very best for you and take care of yourself, because YOU ARE WORTH IT!

 

 

evepm

[vitalcoaching]

Hi,

 

Sorry to hear that. I can imagine how his comments made you feel.

 

Maintaining your self esteem and confidence is a battle. It happens to everyone. You need to fight to simply reject negative comments or thoughts which try to take root in your mind.

 

To do this, you build extra power and confidence. You focus on these qualities rather than staying passive with challenging situations. You fight back straight away! You don't let any negative comment take root in you.

 

A good solution would be to go back to your ex and confront him with what he said. You can go to him and say something like:

 

"You know what, you always said I was too fat or ugly. I know now it' s not true. I know it for myself and it is too bad that you could not see it. You are probably to stupid to ever understand this.

 

I know what I am worth and I want to let you know that neither you nor anyone else will ever put me down again".

 

You can as well keep this in mind for next time someone challenges you.

 

I know this is strong language and it works.

 

When you do this you "reprogram" yourself. You reprogram your mind and emotional reaction for situations like these.

 

Remember. It is a battle. It is his will against yours. You win this because you have extra power, the support you get in this forum and the new power and confidence you feel in yourself. It is your mind! It is your life! You own it. It is your birth right to fight to defend it.

 

Life will always challenge you. It challenges everyone (true... some more than others) but the way you stand in it is what makes the difference.

 

Does this make sense?

 

Good luck and stay in touch

 

vitalcoach

[twinkle]

thank you both for your kind and encouraging words.

 

I know now that I cannot give him the satisfaction of having had that much control over me while we were together - and STILL having that control over me now. I won't let it happen.

 

And if nothing else, it'll make me realise that nobody will ever get away with treating me like that again.

 

thank you again, and i'll update you on my progress!!

[guitarman]

I totally agree with Eve and Vital ..... your ex is definitely NOT the ultimate critic for girlfriends and what he say cannot be taken seriously. It would seemed to me that he doesn't love you at all .... nobody would say such things to someone he loves?!

 

I think your current boyfriend really loves you alot ..... he could see beyond every physical aspect and see the true beauty in you. I would rather stay with someone who loves me for who I am than someone who loves me for how I look .... superficial relationships are brittle .... and leads to superficial results ...

 

You might not be satisfied in the way you look, but you have now found someone who appreciates that "good" in you .... and I hope you could see the good that he has found in you too ... : )