Do we have a problem with our sex life?

[Annonimius]

My girlfriend and I had a very healthy relationship until a few hours ago. She called me to ask me about a certain google search term she found on my computer that suggested I was searching for young girls on internet.

 

We had a long conversation and she was obviously intensely hurt by what she learnt. I told her the truth, namely that in my fantasies I sometimes have sex with other women and that I sometimes watch pornography on the internet to come to orgasm with myself.

 

I tried to tell her that in my eyes she is very attractive and I love her increadibly much, but nonetheless she was very upset...

 

This only happened a few hours ago, so ofcourse we both need to think about it.

 

My question is: do you think it is justifiable that I love her and find her very attracktive, but still need (unpaid) internetsex and fantasies with other women to fulfill my sexual need, or do you think there is something wrong with our sex life if we are not strictly monogomous in fantasy?

 

Other question: How bad is it to have "adultary" with .jpg and .gif files of young naked women?

 

Last question: We have never talked about me looking at porn images before and ofcourse I wanted to keep it hidden... Was that wrong?

 

I feel very sorry and think that I hurt her feelings more than I can imagine.... I think I should have felt that guilt when I was looking at naked women and think: "but that's not fair to her!", but the fact remains: I didn't and now we both have to suffer from it...

[OhJeeeez]

You know, the majority of us guys like to look at porn. Looking at naked women is a natural thing I believe. They are truly beatiful creatures. You could have hid it from her and been ok, but you sound like you are an honest guy.

 

But the fact remains, you got caught, so what do you do now? One thing you need to remember, this is her issue, not yours. She has the right to be upset about it, but thats it.

 

What I can suggest is that you really get in touch with yourself (mentally, lol) and try to figure out why you have these other urges. You haven't physically cheated, so I think its still salvagable. Once you figure out why you need that, maybe bring it up to her and talk about it in person ( not in email or chat, serious issues should never be discussed like that). Since you two are sexually active, maybe find a way that she can fill those fantasies for you?

 

Adultry labeled pics probably look good, but if you are asking what I think you are, it could very well create distrust between you two even though you have never cheated.

 

Its a natural thing for a man to do, don't beat yourself up. Just talk to her seriously, and explain why you do it and suggest ways for you to stop, if you really want to, thats your choice. She has to live with your desicion.

 

Hope I helped...

[Annonimius]

I think I can stop it and I want to stop it. Internet pornography is just really ugly and I don't like me watching it.

 

I started doing it when I was a teenager (age 13 probably). I haven't had a girlfriend until I was 19 or 20, so I had a lot of experience with satisfying myself online. When I got girlfriends though, I found it difficult to stop it. Even now, when I've found the woman of my dreams, I can't stop myself from looking at porn.

 

It's an ugly thing and I want to stop it. She fulfills my needs very well, even though we are not always together. She comes from Germany and I from Holland and our parents live 450 km away from eachother. I live with my parents and she is going to live with her parents, because she only has a temporary room in Holland which she has to give up end of the month (few days left

 

Last time when we were separated we had a lot of telephone sex, which was also quite nice. But everytime after 2 or 3 days of no sex, I feel the need to have an orgasm (can't change that I guess). This is done more pleasantly when looking at naked women, but in a sense I also feel guilty towards her, especially now she nows about it... I think I'll stop it for now and hope she can forgive me... She means more to me than anything in the world...

[OhJeeeez]

Let me remind you that this is her issue. Men masturbate, its a fact of life. Do you know if she does? There are lots of articles online that may help to explain it to her if she doesnt. Not saying she needs to learn how, just that she needs to learn that its normal. Heck, my girlfriend actually likes to watch (and help), lol.

 

Her issue, help her deal with it.

[Annonimius]

Right... Her issue... The point is, I don't want her to lose respect for me... I'm not some pervert! She works with sexual delinquents by the way. Really bad rapists and pedofiles. She has to deal with ugly man with sexual problems for a job and now she also has sexual problems with her own boyfriend! Very bad situation...

[OhJeeeez]

Well, ok, now that does make it a little more difficult to overcome. But here I go again, the fact is, this is her issue, lol.

 

She obviously knows you aren't the same as those men she works with.

 

Maybe a girl can give a better approach to this than I?

[Annonimius]

We had a long talk about it just now... She is unsure if she wants to continue our relation... I think it is a bad idea to end something. I think there can be enough basis for trust. I trust myself, so I know she can trust me and I am optimistic about the future if we stay togehter, but I can never make her trust grow by just saying "I am trustworthy"...

 

There are more problems however. She just lost her mother on cancer and still is far from over it. She hasn't even had time to deal with it Furthermore it resembles in some way what she experienced before. She found out her ex slept with another girl at the time she was in the hospital losing their unborn child. She is pregnant of my child right now...

 

I don't think what I did (watch porn, imagine her to be my ex at most three times more than a year ago at the beginning of our relation and imagining to have sex with other women I met in real life when I'm having sex with myself) was so severe as really sleeping with someone else, but it hurts her more than it hurt her that time. She had a very high idealised view of me that suddenly dropped from the sky and our love is so intense, so how can I think of other girls?

 

What can save us now is our ability to talk about it rationally, my ambition to better myself and our intens love for each other. Can that overcome the mistrust she has in me? Time will tell... There is no easy solution... Luckily we ended the talk with a hug and a kiss...

[Annonimius]

In fact all of our problems have to deal with sexual fantasies of mine that my girlfriend... no, that we BOTH find very disturbing for our relationship. It doesn't happen often that a man and a woman talk about such things especially not if the fantasies are not very nice for the woman.

 

In this case there are a number of difficultating factors...

 

- I imagined my ex to be there while having sex (this stopped over a year ago though).

- I search the internet for young women to help me come to orgasm faster when I have sex with myself

- I imagine other women, in particular she was upset by my fantasies of having sex with other girls I meet in public places

 

Are those fantasies signs that something is wrong with our sexlife? I don't feel it like that. I can keep those purely lust-based fantasies strictly separate from the love-based sex we have. Only the fantasy "adultory" with my ex might be seen as a real problem. The feelings and fantasies from my previous relationship still echoed in my mind when I started to have a relationship with her, but those fantasies are something of the past. They don't occur anymore...

[Annonimius]

She is still very upset and it is difficult to see how this problem can be overcome...

 

She feels she is (or was at some times) a second or even a third choice of me. My first choise would be my ex and my second choice the girl I fantasise about. This is not true however in my opinion. She is, was and always will be my only choice for love and sex. For fantasies it is more complicated.

 

I'm spending really a lot of time (24 h / day) into analysing myself and this situation. Yesterday I've decided to ensure that I will not have the need for such fantasies ever again. I've sworn off porn, I will not masturbate on the fantasy of other women and imagining other women when we are having real sex was already long out of the question.

 

Today I started with analysing my fantasies. I have three main cathegories, which exclude eachother and together form all of my fantasies:

 

- Wild sex: this cathegory consists of: hard sex, multiple women, powerful feelings, dominating the women, (DELETED BY MOD) with them like wild animals, total freedom to do whatever I like

- Forbidden sex: very unfree, the risk of getting caught, young gils, not a lot of penetration (more masturbating), voyeurism, masturbating behind the computer on i-porn, sex in forbidden (public) places (where you might get caught)

- Loving sex: Very tender, feelings of utmost happyness, becoming one, only my girlfriend and me

 

When I have fantasies about other women and masturbate on that in my bed, that alway has to do with "wild sex". When I am behind the computer it always falls under the cathegory "forbidden sex", you can see it as a form of voyeurism I guess. The pictures and movies I like are naked women, no other man involved (never penetration thereforeeee) and I always feel the risk of getting caught. The fantasies with my ex and the girl I met in a cafe fell under the wild sex with multiple partners cathegory. There was never love involved for them, nor any happy feelings. It was just so that when I imagined other women I found attracktive they came to mind. I also have abstract (non real) girls present sometimes. All of these fantasies have nothing to do with my love for my girlfriend, because there was never loving sex invloved. Still I wish to let go this seperation and bring all together to find all my stimulation in the relationship with my girlfriend (or what's left of it

 

Did she not fulfill my fantasies then? The strange answer is: No, she did! We had a lot of wild sex and sex in forbidden places. Perhaps only not so much when we were separated. Our telephone sex was mainly focussed on the "loving sex" part. I felt the need for wild sex and forbidden sex (nd those fantasies only when we were separated.

 

After this long and deep analysis, I come to the conclusion that there was something missing when we weren't together. Wild sex and to a less extend forbidden sex (we did telephone in secret). I should have taken my pleasure from memories of wild sex with her and the exitement to phone in secret, not from i-porn and imaginations of other women.

 

I think it is something we can work on. For that we need a lot of time, but right now, I'm very tired and sick from the unstoppable thoughts in my head... I have hope though... I don't think there was anything missing in our relationship. I just didn't understand myself too well and thought it was oke to hide those fantasies from her, and also from myself by not thinking about them. I hope I will never feel the need for anything else but her...

 

Furthermore I wish to stretch she was never my "second or third choice". It would be strange to imagine multiple hers in my fantasies. I just needed some images and I picked some I found appealing... Perhaps this desire (of not being monogomous) is the most difficult to shake and I think I'm not there yet. The last days I don't feel any sexual desires at all anymore, but I take it that in the future I will. I hope they will fit in our beautiful image of a perfect relationship again...

[Annonimius]

Update: We had a long talk about it and after carefully talking about every possible subject in this complicated matter, we can now safely leave it behind us (though one can never be sure about that of course).

 

Good analysis of the situation lead to a good understanding of each others feelings and we concluded we can have a normal healthy relationship again.

 

I'm very relieved it's over.