Husband left, feel so lost and out of control

[Lester]

Dear Ayreonfae,

 

Thank you! Again.. I like what I’m hearing!

 

All of posts from now on will start with following reminder:

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Your goal is to save your marriage. Only you can do it. Everything revolves around that goal.

 

Everything you do to save your marriage is to be done in secret.

 

 

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Thoughts about your most recent post:

 

This man is not your Father, Brother, friend, pal, relative, benefactor or just a face in the crowd. He’s your husband! There is only one of him on the earth. If you didn’t have compatibility issues before marriage.. Then, He’s it!

 

You have to train him to be the loving and respectful husband he should’ve been in the first place. (Sucks. Most young men out there are like yours. Spoiled man-child(s).)

 

I listen for clues.

 

Words that he uses: Such as we, us or our.

Husband making future plans for/with you.

Good stuff! But, you cannot show any joy or satisfaction with it. Matter of fact the opposite is true for now.

 

Lovingly and in control, thank him not to make plans for you.

Ask him for your share of the bonus.

Expect nothing!

Do not get excited over anything he says or does. (Money is a man’s main expression of love. It’s going to hurt him. Steady yourself. Remember the goal!)

 

Take your share and secretly buy new clothes. Keep them at your sisters. Meter them out slowly onto your new, (hotter every day), body.

Buy Crest “White strips” ten pack. Secretly whiten your teeth.

 

I know the above sounds crazy to you but trust me.. It won’t after you read Dobson’s terrifying book.

Matter fact.. Very soon, everything is going to look different to you.

 

You’re doing good!

[Ayreonfae]

having a bad day, it isn't even 8am. Between him commenting on her facebook and vice versa and just realizing that I still am feeling disrespected. Every time she comes up it is like a slap in my face. He brings her up in conversation like he has no clue I am bothered by it. I just want to go back to bed and cry, but I can't, I have two wonderful boys who need me. I am sick of this roller-coaster ride, I don't know how I feel because it keeps changing.

My counselor says I have great perspective and should trust my instincts but I do not even know what they are right now.

I am very angry and sad today

[Saffron_]

having a bad day, it isn't even 8am. Between him commenting on her facebook and vice versa and just realizing that I still am feeling disrespected. Every time she comes up it is like a slap in my face. He brings her up in conversation like he has no clue I am bothered by it. I just want to go back to bed and cry, but I can't, I have two wonderful boys who need me. I am sick of this roller-coaster ride, I don't know how I feel because it keeps changing.

My counselor says I have great perspective and should trust my instincts but I do not even know what they are right now.

I am very angry and sad today

 

Sorry, this girl whose facebook he's commenting on, are they together?? I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now. It can't be easy.

 

An emotional affair is still an affair. I know you can't go fully NC with him because you have kids together but I've always found that when someone stays around whilst their ex is starting something new with another person, it only strengthens the new relationship. The comforting friendship from the ex seems to get the new couple through the awkward stages that new relationships go through.

 

You're right about needing to draw a line for the kids though. They're bound to detect your sadness and it must be upsetting for them. You said before that he called every night to say goodnight to the boys so it was hard to do NC. Would it be possible for one of your boys to answer the phone at around the time he calls? I know you can't do NC but cutting as much contact with him as possible although painful in the short term might heal your sadness more quickly as well as making him re-think his decision (though there's never any guarantee). I think your conversations right now should just be civil, brief and seldom. I don't think you should be talking on messenger, replying to emails UNLESS they're about something important to do with the kids (not just how their day was!) and I think it's highly inapropriate for him to discuss her with you. I'd be offended too!

[Ayreonfae]

They are not together,just very close friends, too close, he lives with her and another male friend, she has a fiance in MI, she may or may not be moving back in a month or so. Today I got to hear my boys tell me they baked cookies with Aunt ______. I do not want them too involved with her but I have no legal grounds to stop it. My sister backed out of letting him move in, he bought new stuff for his new placer in front of me today even asked my advice when we met to give him the kids. I just want to give up today.

[Saffron_]

he bought new stuff for his new placer in front of me today even asked my advice when we met to give him the kids. I just want to give up today.

 

That's insensitive. You really shouldn't be around when he's buying stuff for his new place because it's only gonna hurt you and as for asking advice?!! Uggh! Don't give up. I know it's painful but it wont always be this way. I really think you need to keep contact with him as brief and minimal as is humanly possible. No friend chit chat, no small talk, just a friendly hello when handing over kids, and then bye. Even though you miss him, please don't try to be his friend right now. After all, what kind of friend is he being to you? Seems like all he can think about is the excitement from his new found freedom. That might wear off, but not if he feels pressured and not if he feels you're ok with being buddies.

[Lester]

Dear Ayreonfae,

 

----------

Your goal is to save your marriage. Only you can do this.. Secretly.

----------

 

I know you are on an emotional rollercoaster and I personally know the pain you are experiencing. But, you must go through it. There’s no way to soften it.

 

No amounts of handholding from empathic persons will eliminate the pain you are feeling.

 

Sure, you’ll have moments, but they won’t last long. (Please note posters. It’s wonderful that you share your understanding and similar experiences!)

 

This closest you might come to a stable day would be to initiate your divorce.

It would give you a, (government), defined game plan and restore some control and direction. (We all crave this!)

Unfortunately, that feeling would be fleeting at best and will dash you’re hopes of saving your marriage.

 

----------

What to do:

 

You must finish your book. You need bedrock to build from.

 

Human sexuality can be thought of like a beast. It’s powerful beyond belief! (It is responsible for almost everything man-made!)

 

If you don’t understand it... you will keep circling backwards forever. (Multiple relationships/marriages.)

 

----------

Also, continue:

 

Don’t do anything rash. (Never a relationship until way after the divorce! Needy women are like magnets to scumbags!)

 

Keep working on yourself. (You’re Women! There are billions of men out there who would die to have you!)

 

Do not try/hope to change your husband. It’s not about him!

 

It’s not about the other women! Really it’s not!

Stop thinking about her as much as possible. (He would just find another. Maybe even a bigger creep.)

 

Don’t look at face-book anymore! No more searching for hope or evidence.

 

Become aloof and less predictable.

 

Don’t bite for his tidbits. It’s a thrill you must eliminate!

 

Find your line. I.E. (I’m not going any lower. You go down into the slime. Etc.) Play it often.

 

-----------

Closing thought: (A little premature, but you need hope.)

 

The thought of my family calling some other man “Dad” was madding!

 

It was the driving force behind me changing!

 

It made me look in the mirror and stand down from my ignorance.

[Ayreonfae]

My goals lately have been distance, and letting go out the anger at the female, and letting go of any attachment to any outcome other than striving toward being the best me I can be for the kids and I.

Lets just say this is one of the hardest things I have ever done. Taking care of the kids is easy, things actually run pretty smoothly with out him here. But controlling my feelings and letting go of all this hatred and anger I am struggling with. There is progress but it is small and at times fleeting but I have noticed a small difference in the last few days.

I am way behind on school, I need to buckle down and get it done but I just can't seem to.

I have a job interview tomorrow and my friend and I are looking at houses to rent this week. So many things are looking up.

But I also have to see H tomorrow for I am not sure how long and maybe Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday(smaller chance) and Friday. Things this week are a little odd with his schedule, plans and the boys on spring break.

When (positive thinking here) I get this new job I will no longer need him to come in the am for the boys, I may need him 1x a week to get them after work but that will be it. I am so happy about that. Then I will not only be on the road to financial freedom but also be bale to limit the times we have to see him each week. I think that will be good for everyone, a steady schedule that isn't up and down will be less confusing for the boys and me. Plus not being needed and seeing us less will help him see what he is missing more clearly. So think good interview thoughts for me and wish me luck. Interviews are not my strong suit. But I am to excited about this opportunity to let that get me down.

I read most all of the book, I am not sure it helped much, but maybe I need to reread it. I might have been looking too hard and to desperately.

[Lester]

Dear Ayreonfae,

 

---------- Goal:

Your goal is to save your marriage. Only you can do this. Secretly.

 

---------- Reminders:

I know how scary and hard this has been for you! You feel like the weight of the world has been dropped on your shoulders. In some ways it has. Your Purim?

 

Remember what I said earlier to you. No one book, person or whatever will be able to understand or explain your situation. Your marriage is unique. You have to study your playing field and devise your own solutions.. Alone.

 

I mentioned in earlier posts, “finding your line” IE (I don’t want a 50% husband.. I deserve/demand better and will have it! Etc.) Keep searching for it.

 

---------- Bigger Picture:

I will also add something that helped me. (Have to be careful here.. but I’m trying to save your marriage.) Thank God each day for the gifts you have been given. (I know, if Les were here I’d choke him.) Think.. It really could be worse! Don’t ask.. Just thank.

 

I also run this line I run through my head regularly.. (Moderators – If too religious, delete and I will re-post without this line. Thanks) “I went down into the countries underneath the earth, to the peoples of the past, but you lifted my life from the pit, Lord my God”

 

---------- Thoughts about your recent post:

You’re doing great!

 

You’re entitled to your anger! Don’t try to quash it but instead direct it. (Anyone married to your ding-dong husband would be pissed.)

 

Planning ahead is a great idea. Studies are naturally going to difficult. (Reduce load to keep grades up?)

 

Stabilizing random contact will help but not solve.

 

Good luck with your interview. I did them for years.

Helpful hint: Interviewers already know your qualifications. They are looking for trustworthy/honest persons, not “flashes in the pan.”

Stay internally calm. Be thoughtful about questions. Slight pauses. Answer, and then stop talking.

Never complement the interviewer.

If the interviewer mentions something personal about themselves, (he/she likes you!), remember it and ask a relevant question, preferably later in the interview. Do this only once.

Do not talk about your troubles! Ex.(Do you have a car? Yes I do! Knowing full well your jerk Husband is sleeping in it.)

 

If he asks if you are nervous say “just a little”, but only once.

 

Think of Dobson’s book as a manual. Read/reread and skip around in it often!

Dobson’s book should/and will open your eyes to the power of sex/sexuality.

It is the jump off point for saving your marriage!

 

Yes, you are “looking too hard and to desperately.”

 

----------- Thought for the day:

Think of yourself like being on a merry-go-round, carrousel. You got on when you married. You were both happy as it lazily turned.

 

In time, something changed. (Your job to find out what. If lunk head.. physical? )

 

First you noticed him standing instead of sitting. (Missed clues.)

 

Then, standing by the edge of the slowly spinning carrousel without you. (Denial)

 

Next he was standing on the ground without you. (Panic)

 

Suddenly your carrousel seemed to be spinning faster. (Confusion)

 

Next, he was walking toward a nearby carrousel. (More panic and now some begging. Verbal and most importantly, non-verbal)

 

The harder you tried the faster he moved away. (More appeasement)

 

Your carrousel now was going much faster. (Confusion, therapist, books, friends)

 

Next he got on the nearby carrousel. (Now full-blown panic and appeasement.)

 

Your carrousel now was spinning wildly out of control. (Loss of sleep, weight concentration, etc.)

 

Now, even if you wanted to, you dare not move. You risk being torn to pieces. (Kids, Pride, Your marriage.)

 

You thought if you moved the carrousel could come apart. (Pulling back, letting him go. Opening his cage!)

 

In the meantime Les and others are watching you from the ground. The carrousel is still lazily turning.

 

You’re just sitting there.

 

Trust me.

 

Standup, come to the edge.

 

Gently step off.

 

Look over at Husbands carrousel. It going much faster than yours was.

 

Now, let’s really get his spinning.

 

---------- How:

Sex

 

--------- What to do:

Page 146 “Anatomy of Adultery” describes the typical destruction of a marriage by the wife. (Which her lunk head husband started in the first place by taking her for granted!)

 

Can you feel the husband’s pain? His pain is no different than yours! (Big shot man)

You can use this knowledge.

 

Can you feel her power?

 

This is the beast.

 

Sex! It’s the first step for anyone wanting to save his or her marriage.

 

It’s the power I’ve been talking to you about.

 

---------- What to do 2:

Look over previous posts for physical self-improvement tips.

 

Spend time and money on yourself. (Let sisters and friends help.)

 

Leave the kids with dumb-dumb and spontaneously shop!

 

Budget, borrow or steal for new body, teeth and clothes.

 

Grow out your hair, change it’s color. Do your nails. New colors. New lipstick.

 

New, different underwear. (Remember this for later!) (No, I'm not a pervert!)

 

Stand-up straight.

 

Smile

 

You don’t have to be a model.

 

Be the best you can!

 

---------- Homework:

Because of a possible disrespect issues I asked for, and received permission from this forum’s moderator to specifically mention a recent post.

 

I also asked the poster but did not receive a reply back. (He may not log in again for some time?)

 

Therefore, I can only hint to you about “his very recent” post.

 

Look for a man who life has gone from control to loony over a simple purchase made by his wife.

 

God does work in mysterious ways.

[Ayreonfae]

So Thursday night H let his male roommate borrow our (or is it now his?) van so he could meet me and some friends at a movie. ON the way our friend was in an accident he is ok but it was his fault and the van is older and we did not have collision on it. So now my husband is car-less.

I have Monday and Wed covered with my dad so we do not have to worry about H coming to watch the boys while I work those days. But tomorrow is suppose to be the day H takes the boys and Monday we had plans to go to the Zoo as a family. I made a suggestion that we pick him up at work tonight and then he can stay here and see the boys till either Sunday or Monday whichever he wanted. But he didn't respond to me till he was at work and was too late to pack.

I get the feeling from just random things he says or doesn't say that I am not suppose to know where he lives or something. He has never said that but my offers of rides or dropping off kids and other things have been turned down with out hesitation.

If that is the case it kind of pisses me off.

This whole van thing has really upset me. I do not know what to do or if I should do anything, part of me thinks it is his problem not mine, he left and all that. But the other part of me hates not being able to help.

Any ideas the best way to handle this?

[Ayreonfae]

So he asked last night if I was ok with the boys staying the night at his place tonight and I said no. He got pissed, made threats, and said hurtful unfair things. I almost gave in then at his request I made the mistake of asking the kids and my oldest cried and begged me not to leave the room the rest of the night. NO he is mad because the kids are happy at his house and now want to stay and i am still against it. I saw the look on my sons face last night and I promised to come get them tonight. Plus all he has is a room with a mat on the floor. Plus we are moving in 1 week and then they will start day care in 3 weeks when I get my new job so changes in routine especially for an autistic kid are not in their best interest. But he is pissed and making threats to take them from me. I know I am right but I feel guilty and scared and helpless. Plus I do hate that not seeing them hurts him and I know with out the van now he will see them less. I do not know what to do.

[Ayreonfae]

I had asked a good friend that he loves, respects and trusts to call him that afternoon after our huge telephone fight. I wasn't sure if she had but he did seem to change his mind and become reasonable. Had the kids ready when I got there and apologized and hugged me. I apologized too because i know I let my emotions get the best of me and I did not handle the whole thing the best way. He has apologized 2-3 more times since then and He sounded like he was about to cry when I was talking to him on the phone about it being OK he had to work the day the boys and I are moving and that we have enough help that we would be ok with out him. I personally would be happy to get out of the actually moving part I found out he did talk to our friend, I do not know what she said but it helped a lot and I am grateful. He really really had me scared there for a bit. Things are still a mess but at least this week is busy with kids back in school me being behind in school and moving. I will be hearing from the new job here soon so I am excited and being positive for the good news

[Ayreonfae]

So we (my boys and I) are moved into the new house and they are doing great. I have fallen apart, I think it was getting everything out of storage and having to go through it and divide it all up. Seeing all his things, having to relive memories and let go of plans, packing his stuff and taking them each Sunday to him when I drop off the kids. I haven't finished yet, it has been so hard.

He and my sister and apparently other friends of mien as well, got into it because he let his female friend post pictures of our kids on Facebook. He told my sister she needed to stop acting like we were going to get back together because that isn't going to happen. No he took off time from work to drive her back to MI where her family lives, when all the times i have asked for personal or other reasons he said he couldn't. So yesterday after he told me that, I was upset but still had to talk to him about Easter and he asked if i was ok and I lost it on him. Told him I was frustrated with him, that he is blatantly treating his new life better than he treated us, that he is acting like i should have just flipped a switch and stopped caring about him and our life and everything should be hunky dory. I know this wasn't probably a good thing, but I have been holding alot in for a long time while he goes off and plays and builds a new life and I clean up what he left of this one.

I thought I was doing better but lately I cry everyday again. I miss him more, I feel more lonely than ever. I am trying to let go and move on but I keep finding reasons to hold on and really that is what I want but I am doubting that it will ever happen. Above all I just want to be whole and strong for me and the boys, and take the positive from this that I can. That doesn't help though when I feel so helpless and frustrated and lost.

Is there any hope? Should I even try anymore?

[hotnspicychikn]

I think the more we hold on the more we push them away. What are you doing to take care of yourself? Focusing on them makes it worse. Focus on you and what you can do for yourself to get through this. You are stronger then you think/feel right now. You can get through this, we can. We have to! Our kids need us. Have you tried antidepressants? Counseling? Medication to help you sleep? What are you doing for you?

[Ayreonfae]

I did a few counseling sessions, but she seemed to think I was handling it all well and after the 3 covered by my EAP we didn't reschedule more. I sleep well enough most nights my schedule sucks 3 days a week i work 4-8am the rest of the time i am taking care of house and kids.

I was already to defend myself and tell you how i took care of me and i stopped and realized I had no answers. I moved out of my moms house which was very very good for me and the boys are so much happier now. I lost a lot of weight in the last 15 months and a good 15 lbs of it was just in the last 3 months cause i couldn't eat. So i have been slowly getting me clothes that fit and help me feel prettier. School is almost over and once that is done i can breathe a bit more.

 

These next four days will suck, he is driving her accross the country and it is going to drive me insane. I keep telling my self that she will be gone now at least physically and that is a good thing. So i am wishing them a safe trip with all my heart so he and just get back.

[hotnspicychikn]

It's hard but we have to find a way to be whole people with or without our husbands. How do you find time for you when you have the kids much of the time? Does your husband ever take them? Getting new clothes is good. I have also lost a lot of weight over the last several months. I am trying to eat healthy and not starve myself although eating is hard to do right now. Taking care of ourselves can be a simple as taking a long hot bath or reading a good book that does not have to do with our relationship. I am thinking of trying to learn meditation. I go to counseling and am thinking about finding a support group also. I am on antidepressants for now, I also have medication to help me sleep and anxiety meds if I need them (I have only used those twice). I get massages and I am going to start accupunture. I am doing whatever I can to take care of me so I can be the best I can be for my kids ( 2 are grown, I only have one little one at home he is 9). How old are your kids? I try to follow the 180 I sent you. It's good that you are doing much of that stuff, it helps us. Though I still want my husband back hanging on to that seems to be hurting me more then helping. I am trying to let go of what is out of my control (him) and control what I can (me). It's not easy but we can do it!!

[Ayreonfae]

Schools over so I have some time again. Good and bad at the same time i think. Letting go of what I can not control and control myself is exactly what I am working on too.

Husband takes them most Sundays but he is car less so i have to take them to him and pick them up. I have embraced reading and that is exactly what I plan to do when i get off here I did good for days maybe even a week then out of no where i cried again today. I miss him, as much as I am mad at him for his choices and actions I still miss him.

[Lester]

Dear Ayreonfae,

There’s value in all of life’s experiences. Each is an opportunity to learn. It’s very hard to see value in a negative experience while in it. We all want to move on as soon as possible. Unfortunately, this assures a future of repeat negative experiences.

 

Carefully thinking about every aspect of a failed relationship, especially the first days/dates, will help you to avoid future incompatibility issues.

 

Time will march on and wounds heal. Eventually you may, (I can almost guarantee it), be in a marriage/long term relationship again. If you have done your homework it should be a wonderful union.

 

But… for any reason it’s not please try to remember…

 

There’s no car, (or fill in the blank), more desirable to a man than the car behind the showroom glass. It’s perfect in everyway!

 

Unfortunately, once sale is complete the letdowns begin.

 

You’ve most undoubtedly have heard of divorced/soon to be divorced, wayward husbands who want their wives back? That’s the reason. (Don't be surprised if this happens to you!)

 

Therefore, anything that accelerates the process is desirable. This might remind him of his past let downs. (Unfortunately immature husbands may not have had enough experience.)

 

You should always be diligent to never becoming the glass.