Does anyone understand....

[surferboy]

Why am I such a loser?

 

I am a 31 year old. In my early twenties I got into a relationship with a girl who after six months became pregnant. I wasn't unhappy and I stuck by her, although there was never any love in the relationship we stayed together for six years and had two children who I adored.

 

The problem was deep down I didn't really like my partner that much but the love i had for my kids kept me with her. Anyway the last two years of the relationship were pretty bad and I became very depressed. We split up after, not for the first time, i found out she was cheating on me.

 

Life really went down hill after that and i wasn't seeing the kids much, after a failed suicide attempt my mates pulled me threw and I moved to Aberdeen to start studying. For the first time in my life I had something to aim for, and the chance to make something of my life.

 

Life was great, I was meeting new friends and the kids visited regularly. Then i met a wonderful girl who i fell for in a big way, as did she. Lana was a girl i met while working part time, we were both studying but hit it off really well. We moved into a small flat and for once in my life a walked about with a smile on my face.

 

Then after six months she fell pregnant, this came as a big shock to me and was something I hadn't even thought about. I'd had my kids and couldn't see how this would work. But lana was over the moon, as was everyone else. Her family adored me but i just couldn't be happy about it.

 

It just felt like history was repeating itself. So I convinced myself it wouldn't work and the best thing to do would be to split up. I moved into student residence and told her i just couldn't go through what i had before. Lana was devistated and for months wanted nothing more than for us to get back together. But I consentrated on my studying and getting on with my life. I think it was a case of being scared to give up my new found freedom, even although i was miserable. I was just so scared of not being good enough.

 

I don't quite know what made me think that way, but in January this year my life went considerably down hill. My previous partner had a shot-gun wedding before xmas, and she had mentioned that they may move to the South of England in the summer. Her now husband is in the army and based there. We were on good terms, which was hard but it ment I could see the kids often. As I said in January they anounced they were moving in a week, myself and lana drove threw to say good bye and everything seemed fine but since then we have had no contact and linzie has cut all ties.

 

This has hit me really hard but it made me realise how much I loved lana and Sophie (who is amazing, and 1 year old next month). Anyway, I tried so hard, but it was too late. I'd lost lana aswell. She said she didn't know how she felt but didn't want anything at the time. Which I fully understood, she had just moved into a new flat with sophie and her friends are round all the time, they have a big influence on her.

 

8 weeks ago I took her to Prague for 3 days to give her a break and try and patch things up. everyone though we'd get back together and although it went well, since then everythings got worse. I think i have pushed her away by trying too hard and not giving her space. Know she hates me and we argue everytime we speak.

 

I've given up uni to work full time and have moved into a flat to give me somewhere to spend time with sophie, all i want to do is to make sure that i'm here for them. It's been really hard and as our friendship has deteriorated I have been slowly crushed. I cry every time I think about them, and most times I see them. Lana has no interest in anything I say anymore and hardly gives me the time of day. The harder I try the meaner she gets and has started saying some really mean things. Reminding me that i didn't want sophie in the first place, she gets upset and i can't understand why, this makes me upset and it's the last thing I want.

 

I can't explain how i'm feeling, I went threw a relationship which messed me up so bad that when i finally got over it and realised what i wanted, i'd lost that to. Know the most important person in my life hates me, I've missed out on the chance the be in a loving family, as apposed to the one I was in before. I've given up on the chance to work in Ghana for a few months (to fund the trip to Prague), I packed in uni to work ful time to try and help lana out, although it has been tough. Although i'm not moaning, what I don't understand is how a month before hand if i'd picked up the phone and spoke to her she would have been delighted to someone who hates me so much when all i've done is try my best to make her realise i'd made a mistake.

 

Sorry for dragging on, and about my spelling, it's quite late... But like i said. Does anyone understand, I was just so scared of making the same mistake, how do i win her back. If there is no hope of that then i have no meaning anymore. Theres only so much I can take and I can't be a part time father again and watch the reason I have to breath disappear.

 

Sometimes life just gives you that big middle finger, well i can't do it anymore, facing the hate in the face of someone i love so much.

M

[Mun]

Hi M,

You are not a loser. You are a man who has some deep issues that need to be worked out. Have you talked to a counselor? I recommend that you seek some professional help because if not you will repeat these same patterns. You are not alone, alot of people are afraid of relationships because of past experiences.

 

Try to surround yourself with your close friends. You need all the support you can get right now. Your life isn't over, you have alot of work to do. Your children need to know their father is around even if they are too far to see you. Can you call them or visit?

 

We have all made mistakes we are not proud of. This is just part of life. Don't let this bring you down. Pick yourself up and tell yourself that you got into this mess and you will bring yourself out.

 

I believe you can do it

[Francis]

Hi SurferBoy,

 

I am very sorry to hear what you are going through, but it seems very odd that your girlfriends both got pregnant by surprise.

 

You have not provided too many details on how this happened and thereforeeee it is not that easy to understand your situation.

 

However, from the point of view of my life experience, it seems that perhaps you are what women consider to be a good catch and might be trying to coerce you in a relationship without you making a free and informed choice.

 

I went to an exclusive private school and most of my friends, men and women, were coerced somehow into relationships that turned really bad for them.

 

With respect to my girlfriends : they married guys who concealed their flaws of character until the wedding and then they took their mask off (physical and verbal abuse, lazy slobs who want to take advantage of professional women); as to my male friends : most of their girlfriends (99%) got pregnant (said they were on the pill) and since this guys were issued from good families, then they got married to these women who manipulated them and lied to them in order to get pregnant and marry up. Now most of my friends who were coerced into marriage are ALL very unhappy, depressive, etc.

 

I have noticed that, in certain social circles it is not very uncommon that women will get pregnant in order to catch a man and keep him against his free will and women like that are predators and you deserve better.

 

Men and women who act this way, usually want to marry up, they feel inferior to their partners who come from another social background and not only coerce them into marriage by means of manipulation and misrepresentation or pregnancy, but all through the marriage they will try their best to debase, criticize and destroy the self esteem of the other person in order to keep them.

 

I have witnessed this pattern over and over with my friends. Some of them become depressive, some get hit by the Stockholm syndrom.

 

Again, this may not apply to your situation and in any case Muneca is probably right : you may also have an issue that makes you repeat the same pattern.

 

Anyway, I wish you the best. Take care!

[Mun]

Maybe we need to remember that anytime we have sex we are risking getting pregnant. There are so many methods of birth control available that it is only a matter of choosing the right one.

 

Rather than blame "social climbers" and such for unwanted pregnancies and bad marriages we should take a look at how WE bring these problems on ourselves because we fail to act responsibly. Taking responsibility for ourselves and our actions is one of the key characteristics of maturity.

[surferboy]

Thanks, although i've heard it all before. Yes I saw a counselor during uni earlier in the year when my work went downhill. Did help speaking but gave me no answers. And don't berate Francis too much, there is alot of truth in what she said. When i first found out she was pregnant a few work mates and friends warned me about this. She hadn't told me she had come off the pill. But that hasn't changed the fact that I fell for her in a big way.

 

To your question muneca, no, I have no way off contacting my other two at the moment.

 

As for Lana, she dosn't contact me at all know because we argue, i'm doing my best. I've kept my distance but it's killing me. It's my night off and i've spent it in the flat with my mates and all I can think about is if she's with someone else. I can't sleep, and i've actually got a deep pain in my stomach. So is this what love feels like??

 

From a girls point of view, what would make you change your mind if it was possible, if you loved someone as much as she said she did, surely it's worth another go. But how do i convince her of this??