Need Some Advice

[friendlyguy]

Hi all, my ex broke up with me after a 16y relationship, we have 4 children.

 

I didn't see it coming at all. Nothing major happened. She just felt i didn't pull my weight the last 2 years. Looking back i can't blame her.

But she never adressed it.

My first reaction was there had to be someone else. You do not break up like that, i mean no warning, no nothing.

In fact a week before we broke up she said she wanted to grow old with me.

6 months earlier my sister broke up and her actual words were "we will never do this will we, please never leave me".

And now she breaks up just like that. I asked to see marriage counceling but she wouldn't dream of it. she doesn't love me anymore ,i've been lying to myself for the last 2 years is what she says.

She moved out imidiatly with a friend and found an apartment a week ago.

It's been 25 day's now and i feel like im loosing my mind.

i don't understand how you can throw away a marriage like that, we actualy had a gr8 marriage the previous 14 years.

btw there is noone else.

i would love to try and NOT contact her. but can't because of the kids.

Any advice?

 

Thx for your time and sry for my poor English

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sounds like you did all that you could do. I would suggest seeing a lawyer to make sure your financial interests are protected. The only thing you can do is accept that it is over. If you push to reconcile it will only push her away more. You need to leave her be...maybe some time apart will do both of you some good and you will both be able to re-think what happened in the last two years. If she didn't feel you were pulling your weight, perhaps you need to think about it. Often people say things but the other person does not take it seriously so they don't pay attention. Think back and perhaps you may realize that there were times when she was expressing her dissatisfaction but you weren't paying attention because you thought everything was fine. Now is the time to really reflect.

[ForumGuy]

How do you know there is no one else? I just ask because she seemed to be in an awful hurry to get out of there. Whatever the case, like CAD said, you need to leave her be. Be all business (about the kids) when you have to be around her, hold your head as high as possible, and keep interactions with her as short as possible.

[april15]

Focus on being a good Dad. Keep all conversations around the kids about the kids otherwise try your best to disengage from the conversation. Focus on finding a balance in your life where you are comfortable with you. Once you have that look forward, think about where you want to be in 2 years and begin taking steps to get there. This will be very difficult but you can do it. Don't rush, take your time and make purposeful decisions and actions.

[Green Frost]

Wow! People are so ignorant now a days. At the first sign of marital problems both of you should

acknowledge that & seek counseling before is too late. In this case, is already too late! Neither of

you notice any signs of problems at all? I mean there has to be a slight hint that things are not

where it should be. Many people now a days take marriage for granted. I mean 14yrs of marriage

with 4 kids. How much more can you ask for? Why is that always one partner out of the other that

falls out of marriage? I mean lets rationalize this? How many people can actually make it to 14yrs

of marriage then let alone have 4 kids? Now a days, maybe only a handful. Marriage should be taken

seriously especially when it involves kids. If the kids are young they will have to go through painful

times before they can actually accept the fact that mom & dad are no longer together. For all the

non marriage believers... Easy to give up then to fight huh? If you were together for that long and

have kids you should at least seek conseling before making a choice to leave. Give it at least one

chance & you will know for sure if the marriage is meant to be.

 

I am sad about your situation and hope something good will shed some light along your ways. Be

strong during these times & know that your kids will always be close to you no matter what.

[thoseyes]

I think everyone provided important insight to the OP's situation. She was in quite a hurry to leave, so that lights up a red flag. Parents should always take their children's' affairs as primary importance. The kids will suffer through a lot with volatile changes such as the separation. It is selfish of her to just leave without you and her making mutual agreements in regards to the children and parental responsibilities, etc. I have experienced divorce when I was a young child and know how devastating and unfair and soul-emptying it is. Dont ever lose contact with your children, they need you more than you know. And dont ever let their mom cut contact off from you.

[friendlyguy]

How do you know there is no one else? I just ask because she seemed to be in an awful hurry to get out of there. Whatever the case, like CAD said, you need to leave her be. Be all business (about the kids) when you have to be around her, hold your head as high as possible, and keep interactions with her as short as possible.

 

Im sure there is no one else because her dad had her folowed.

I think she wanted out in a hurry, staying around me would possibly change her mind.

And she doesn't want to do that. She is afraid that in 20y from now she will wake up being a bitter old woman like her mother is

It's all very confusing.

I mean i am an good dad (her words), i am a good person (her words), i don't drink (ecxept when going out), don't throw money around, don't beat her.

Never let her down during a crisis (her words). We lost a kid when she was 6 months pregnant. She has Lime desease. And she had back surgery twice.

After some searching i found she has all symptoms of midlife crisis. Mybe thats the reason, maybe im just trying to find an explanation for her giving up

[nihongo]

so, what examples do you think there are when she said you dont pull your weight?

[friendlyguy]

so, what examples do you think there are when she said you dont pull your weight?

 

She's self employed and her business is struggling.

While she was working from early morning till late at night, i was on the computer.

I did and still have a day job mind you and it was me preparing food for the children and helping with there homework 50-60% of the time.But thats it.

I am installing a brandnew bathroom starting from scratch i didn't finish.(Started that 2 years ago btw). We have another one.It's not that we are running around dirty(not ment as an excuse, only to explane).

I think she feels betrayed.

But in my opinion nothing to break up. A good healthy talk or a scare was enough ( and believe me it is) to open my eyes and let me see what's important again.

The bathroom is finished now. Man what was i thinking? On that damn computer all the time!!!!

[dean kaplan]

Friendlyguy, you mentioned that you weren't pulling your own weight for the last two years. What does that mean? Maybe in that phrase lies a clue to why she left?

[friendlyguy]

Friendlyguy, you mentioned that you weren't pulling your own weight for the last two years. What does that mean? Maybe in that phrase lies a clue to why she left?

 

I think she means, i wasn't doing the things i used to do, she was working her ass off and when she came home(11 pm, 12pm, sometimes even 02.00 am) she saw me playing computer games (children were sleeping then)seeing that nothing was done e.g: no laundry done, nothing cleaned that sort of thing.

I think what drove her away is that she didn't feel loved anymore.

Looking back i can understand why.

I know i have to leave her be.

I know that loving someone implies being able to let go.

I know she says she doesn't love me anymore. She says she stept back bit by bit. Thats why she is much further in the break up proces then i am,( i mean, 1 week before breakup she said "i want to grow old with u." Why, why did she say that? how was i supposed to see this coming?If i wouldn't have been playing on my comp as much i probably would have seen the signs.

How redicoulous, throwing this all away because i was to busy on the comp???

Im confused, how can i stop loving her?

Damn i want her back.

She is the mother of my 4 wonderfull kids.

[friendlyguy]

bumping up