Family and Relationships

[Anonymous122]

So, I'm ultimately hoping that someone will tell me that I don't have serious problems. I've been in and out of a few short-term relationships over the past year, since I broke up with a long-term girlfriend (which I didn't post about here). Each time that I've broken up with the woman, its been due to pressure to meet and/or spend time with her family. I've been giving them different reasons, or no reason at all, and just telling them that they are great people, but we're not compatible.

 

I'm at an apex and I'm not sure where to go from here. I recently left a great women, simply because I feel that she is too close to her family. I was actually honest with her about it, which is something that I didn't really want to do, and hadn't done in the past. She hasn't taken it well and she desperately wants to be with me, but I just feel like a relationship with her can't succeed due to how involved her family is in her life.

 

I've been trying to figure out why I have such an aversion to families. I don't have a bad relationship with mine, but we're not particularly close. I see my family a few times a year and talk to them on the phone a couple times a month. I did have a bad experience with an ex-girlfriend's family once, in the sense that they were extremely overbearing and constantly interfering. I don't feel like thats the root cause of this issue, though. That would be too simple.

 

I'm not depressed or anything like that, I just feel smothered whenever I have to interact with people's families. I dread it, I never enjoy it, and I try to avoid it at all costs. Further, I tend to overreact (internally, not externally) if anyone's family says anything negative about me or to me. I want to further clarify what I mean by internally. I don't bring it up, I just get this feeling like I should cut my losses and run away. I really wish I had a solution to this, but it seems to be getting worse as I get older, so I'm not sure that bodes well for the future. Whats worse is that, with the specific woman that I just left, she did absolutely nothing wrong. I just couldn't cope with the idea of getting more involved with someone who is very close to their family.

 

One of the most confusing parts of this problem is that I don't dislike the concept of family. I look forward to, hopefully, one day having a family of my own. In fact, I'm only 22, but the graduate programs that I applied to were even affected by my future desire to have a family. I chose a field with moderate pay, extremely reasonable hours, that was still somewhat interesting to me. My motivation to do that was due in large part to the fact that I would like to have the time to be an actively involved husband and father someday. So, that seems to make this problem more complex. I want my own family, but I feel smothered and avoidant when it comes to other people's families and my own biological family.

 

I think its also prudent to mention the most concerning part about it. Up until today, I've been severely denying that I even have this issue. I make up all kinds of excuses to myself, even though I know deep down what the real issue is. I even made a thread on here not too long about complaining that my now recently ex-girlfriend spends too much time with her friends and not enough time with me. I mean, I was annoyed by that for a couple weeks, but it was only a recent, temporary issue, not a persistent one. I feel like I made that thread to make myself feel better and further fuel my denial of the real issue. I'm considering counseling, but I have no idea what to say to a counselor about this issue.

 

So, do you think I have serious problems?

[dedem]

You don't have serious problems or you wouldn't be admitting anything. You simply do not like meeting new people, or simply just close-nit people, who will criticize you for your every deed. You probably feel like an outsider to your own biological family (could be wrong, but it seems most likely) and just do not want to be a part of anything that you can't completely call your own. Families seem to have this set dynamic to them that is always overwhelming to a newcomer or to one who does not agree. However, if you had your own family, it would be yours. You would be the maker of the dynamic. And so you'd be happy, because you would automatically belong. Your wife would love you. Your future children would look up to you (until teen years, but even then if you raise 'em right, they'll at least somewhat respect you). You also want to be the center of love and like and all that it entails. Now, that may be due to narcissistic issues, but I'm not a doctor. So long as you aren't completely possessive of the lady you decide to spend the rest of your life with, you shouldn't run into anything too bad. Counseling might help you figure out what's really wrong and fix any jealousy issues you might have. Just tell your counselor what you posted here. You think you might have an issue dealing with other's families.

 

It's not a major issue if you find a woman who isn't closely in touch with her family and does not care if you meet them or not.

 

Best of luck, de.