rebuilding, and waiting for her

[freaking out]

Isnt it strange how the opinions of strangers can help? Anyway, here is my sorry little tale.

8 years ago, I met the love of my life at university. We had both just come out of a period of depression, and we gave each other great strength and happiness for about 3 years. I really miss those times, being happy with ourselves and each other, living together.

We traveled around Europe for 6 months together and had the most amazing time.

 

But when we got home and got another house together, starting looking for work etc, I started to get it into my head that I was missing something, and pushed her away.

In hindsight, it was my depression that came back, and the glass bubble that goes up around you when youre depressed had blocked her out. She tried to get in for well over a year, but had to give up for own sake. Nearly 3 years ago now, she said we should break up and I agreed. We continued to live together for another year, and then I got a job in the country. Rather than be on her own, she came with me, and we agreed to live as friends in separate rooms.

 

But I had my "new" life, starting going out without her, took up smoking again and thought this was what I had missed out on and really starting treating her like crap as she didn't want to be a part of that (don't blame her – I was acting like a s**thead) and she left to stay with my grandmother for nearly a year (they were always great friends – my family continues to this day to be more of a family to her then hers!)

 

I continued my stupid ways, but we still talked at least several times a week.

 

I once kissed a girl a year ago, and it felt so wrong and I really regretted it – felt like cheating but I didn't know why at the time. Haven't looked at anyone else since.

 

She started seeing someone about 10 months ago, just because he was there basically and she was affection starved (she is a very cuddly person and I was too stupid to see it or want to give that to her). It didn't last, but it made me SO jealous. I knew it was wrong to feel jealous and she just thought it was me not wanting her to be with someone else but not wanting her myself. In hindsight, I should have realized then, but was too scared to admit to myself that I loved her and wanted her.

 

I went away interstate for 4 months, had a crap time and talked to her very often. God, how I missed her then. I came back and moved in with her again as I had nowhere to stay, and shared her bed for 7 months, but as "friends". We made love a couple of times, but I had to convince her it was as friends, even though I knew in my heart I didn't think of it like that.

 

Now she has a new boyfriend of a month, and I lost it. All my love for her that I now know has been building up unexpressed for 3 years has hit me at once. I have seen that I have been depressed for 3 years, and I let it come between us. She tried to get in, but couldn't and moved on. I have had a nervous breakdown, and am seeing counseling to try to resolve things a little.

 

I am now moving house, starting again, trying to get her back, trying to cope with the image of seeing them kiss (he was there when I came home early from work one day, and like an idiot I watched out the window as she saw him off - she did apologise for that though) and trying to rebuild my life.

 

She has told me she loves me ( and I know she does), and has spent this week helping me set up my new house, and making sure I'm OK. She will always be around as a friend at least, and I am grateful for that. I will try to cope with friends for now, but I know in my heart that I will always be wanting her back. She has never said that there is no chance of her coming back, but she wants to continue this new relationship, even to just see where it goes.

She has said even if this guy wasn't around, she wouldn't come back yet as I have to heal from my depression and she needs me to be happy in myself first – fair enough I guess, but I would be so happy if she came back!!!!!

 

She is a stubborn minded type, who would not admit the glimmers of hope I think I may have seen this week we had together to herself, let alone me! She will continue that relationship due to it being the "right" thing to do even if she is having doubts - she will want to explore that relationship on its own merits, and wont let me come into the equation, and will treat me the same. Wish I could separate things like that.....

 

But new guy is waiting in the wings (he is been very understanding, knows what its like to go through a hard breakup, understands why she is concerned about me and wants to help me in this hard time and misses her etc, but isn't seeing me as a threat - ARGGHHH I want to kill him - cant he be jealous like a normal person and not be smug in the knowledge that she wants to go out with him, and not me!!!!??)

 

I hope and pray there is a hope, and I think there is, but it will be in time, and after she has decided this new guy is not what she wants –a decision she will make without any thought of me (at least that's the theory – I hope missing me makes some impact on it!!)

 

I am so happy to have her in my heart, and to know that she will always be in life, and I know she will always be my best friend. I just want a chance to make up for the last 3 missed years and make her happy for the rest of her life.

[freaking out]

Any advice would be welcome on how to cope with her going out with someone else, and if I am being completely dillusional in hoping to have her again. I guess rebuilding the friendship and learning about her again (have realised I havnt known what she has been really feeling and wanting from life for a long time) is the first step.

[craigblitz]

First and foremost buddy my heart truly goes out to you and your situation. Not just the loss of your love but your depressed state. Are you seeking any type of help for that?

 

On to the girl.... Let it go for now. If you really love her you need to let her explore this relationship and see what happeneds. It sounds like she has been there for you and has been an awsome friend and g/f. Do not mettle in the relationship, do not put pressure on her by tellingher you lover her.

 

Obviously the less time you need to be around them is for the better. Maybe you should be honest with her and say I love being your friend but can we not talk about the other guy. She seems caring and won't throw that in your face at all.

 

Summary... Sit back and wait if you can be her friend continue if not you need to separate yourself as much as possible.

[freaking out]

Well, its been a couple of weeks now, and we are beginning a week of NC.

 

I moved out last Friday into a new house. We spent the day together yesterday, getting the last bits organised for my new house, and she helped me again setting up, and cleaning up. She was very firm with me that she didnt want to discuss us or the new boyfriend, and I only lost it a little bit once! But she did hug me and give me a kiss and generally let me know that really does care about me.

 

I did lose it big time when she went out with him friday night and didnt come home like she said she was going to. But she said she got sick from something they ate and his house was closest. But she never liked to be around even me when she was ill and always said she needed her own bathroom, so it bothers me that she feels so comfortable with this guy that she could be that vulnerable around him...

 

When I popped around on saturday morning to get things, like she knew I was going to, and found her bed empty, it hurt a whole lot!!!

 

But she is struggling herself, and really needs this week to look at herself which I havnt let her do lately. She knows in huge detail how I feel about her, and I have tried to explain far too much about what I think I did to her and myself these last 3 years and how in my heart i never let go. She will need to absorb this and see how she feels about it. She also really needs me to be together in myself and happy with me. This is goin to be REALLY HARD knowing she is with someone else, but I hope I can deal with it and continue tobe her friend. But I suspect that if she stays with this guy for more than a few months, I am going to have leave her be completely (but I will never stop loving her, and I will always be here for when she comes home) for my own sanity, which scares the hell out of me! But I also see quite clearly why she needs to continue that relationship to see where it goes and what it can teach her about herself and how she feels about me. She cant just drop her life that she has building in my absense because I had a sudden awakening and want everything back overnight!!

 

I do feel for this guy, and I hope he doesnt get hurt too badly when she comes back to me - he is a bit of an innocent bystander. But I know if I was him I would back off and let her sort herself out first, if only to avoid hurt myself. But then again, its not his call, its hers. But I do owe him a lot - he was the kick that woke me up.

 

Got a new flatmate last night (a girl about the same age as the ex and with the same name - I'm sure Freude would have a field day with that one! It will be weird calling the flatmate my loves name, but hopefully it will stop my heart crunching every time I hear or think the name...), so at least I will have someone in the house which will hopefully mitigate the all consuming loneliness I am feeling.

 

So now do deal with this week. It will be REALLY hard to not contact her, and to be waiting for her call or email to see how I am. I so hope she gains something from the space - she needs it and I hope she finds the first little spark remainingof our love and she decides to nurture it. It wont take a week to fix, but I hope the first little step can be made.

[freaking out]

I guess I havent asked any questions here, but any comments people may have as to wether I am on the right path and if there is any hope would help!! What I really need are some tools for dealing with the present, and for working towards the future I know is right.