16 Months NC & I Still Dream Of Her

[Paul-From-Oz]

Hi everyone!

 

Firstly I have to say like many others, I WISH I knew about this site when I first broke up with my x-girlfriend eighteen months ago!... I can't promise a short story but I'll try and outline my situation so please spare a FEW minutes to read...

 

In August of 1998 I met the most amazing girl I have ever fallen for (Let's call her 'x-gf' for the story). I was 24 and x-gf was 17 ( Yes I know this sounds bad but I live in Australia and this is legal!) ... And I'll tell you another thing, I met x-gf in her family's cafe under the watchful eye of her mother and sister so I'm no cradle snatcher I am a blonde haired Aussie guy with green eyes and x-gf is a Greek beauty with looks that turns heads. I must say I felt like I was in a fairy tale when I realised x-gf liked me because I really thought she was 'out-of-my-league' in the looks department.

 

I worked nearby so frequented the cafe for lunch regularly because I genuinely enjoyed eating there (clean shop, good food, well priced). It wasn't until a couple of months after eating there that I one day found myself sitting with x-gf and her sister and a work colleague of mine and we just talked and talked. Although I initially felt x-gf was too young and inmature for me, I found myself talking to her regularly during lunch and I'd re-visit her late in the day before I went home for an hour or two. By December I had a very keen fondness for x-gf and realised the feelings were mutual. We had our first kiss and love literally blossomed. We became inseperable and in love completely. We'd write to each other via a diary we shared, we wrote other notes to each other, we talked on the phone at all hours and fell asleep together on the phone because we could not be together physically. When we could be together we stayed out until the early hours and just wished to be with each other.

 

Over the next eighteen months we progressed at a steady pace, mainly due to many (false) rumours which were circulated by the wonderful invention I learnt about called the 'Human Grapevine', and when you're Greek I think this multiplies the vine's productivity by 10. I had Greek friends where I worked who manipulated me and made up many stories because I think they felt jealous. I was a single guy with just one serious relationship in my past and a couple of short failed ones. But x-gf's mother (and family/friends) heard many stories through this Human Grapevine - apparently I was married with 1 or 2 children and was using her for my pleasure. I eventually proved my good intentions, earnt the trust I deserved and revealed I was indeed single with no baggage and eventually I was welcomed into their home and x-gf was allowed to stay over at my place.

 

At the end of 2000, I left my professional job and took up an offer to work with x-gf's family in their cafe (I basically had enough of the people I had been working with after 3.5 years and thought a nice 'no hassles' job would see me through for a while). And it did for 12 months until they decided to follow through with their plan of selling the shop which was expected and welcomed. I'd never worked with anyone I'd been involved with so it certainly brought out the best and worst of us as individuals and a couple - we argued more and more (over silly issues) as our workload made us tired and irritable which stressed all factors of our relationship. We managed to stick together and after the shop was sold I decided to take a year off to rest then renovate my house and concentrate on some things on my own priority list.

 

Once I started renovating, I found myself visiting x-gf less and less as I became consumed by the many jobs I was attempting to complete. As time went by her mum began to feel as though I wasn't visiting because I didn't like her - which was not the case. I was asked by x-gf if I had a problem with her mum and I told her I genuinely did not as I was just consumed with periods of long physcial workload followed by the need to rest. This was part truth and part excuse as I could have easily made the time to visit but for some reason my 'thinking' part of my brain thought it too was on holiday and I neglected her.

 

My world as I knew it ceased to exist on Christmas morning of 2002. I was stubborn insisting I did not wish to spend the day at her Auntie's place as the same Aunt had back-stabbed me when I worked in their cafe thinking I was after a financial interest in the business (again, not true - I collected my weekly pay as that was my main reason for being there). I became a complete dickwad on the phone (after waking her minutes earlier wishing her Merry Xmas and lots of love, etc) and she threw me a line of truth - if I wasn't going to make the effort to spend time with her, what was the point of going on? I over-reacted and fired back that maybe we should end it and before I knew it we had hung up and that was it. I spent the day realising my mistake but just felt inable and unwilling to reverse what had been done.

 

I sat crying on the couch on New Year's 2002/03 Eve wishing her back while watching the fireworks on television (We had previously watched them together on the beach). I ignored the ringing of my phone only to learn later x-gf had tried to call. I didn't know what to do next. I knew we needed space but I also realised I loved this girl and my mistakes had caused so much pain. I wrote her a long letter that I sent her in which I must have written so much crap because I don't remember what I wrote in totality but I expressed my sorrow, apologies, love, desires to improve and that I was lost without her. Before I wrote the letter I didn't know whether to call her but felt I could only effectively communicate my feelings in writing and as we had written so many pages to each other before, it felt the right way. I put forward my feelings and left her alone.

 

Three weeks past and I grew to miss her more and more. I had begun writing poems and small letters to x-gf expresssing my feelings (although I never sent them, I filed them away in a folder). Moments earlier I had just written how I would fall at her feet if x-gf was to come back to me that night... then the phone rang and it was her. She wasn't coming back to me but worse still she had been in hospital with a burst appendix and had been in bad shape. I never knew of it happening or I would have been at the hospital holding her hand praying to God and I'd give her my own appendix if she needed it. We spoke on the phone until she fell asleep as she was exhausted.

 

We met up and saw a movie the following week and we held each other tightly, kissed passionately and I acted (and felt) like I was on a first date and didn't let my hands roam all over her out of respect. I felt like my world was back in my arms although I didn't really know what the future would hold for us. After the movie we talked in her car for a couple of hours and x-gf expressed some of things that she wanted to change if we were to work things out. Nothing I couldn't handle, but I still never really knew where I stood - she wanted me to SMS her if I missed her, but I knew it would only prove my loneliness.

 

We spoke a couple more times on the phone and I realised our distance was growing. A couple of weeks later on Valentine's Day x-gf sent me red roses with a card saying "I will always love you" with lots of xoxox's. I sent her just a card expressing my love for her but from afar. After a month of NC I began to realise I didn't know whether she wanted to work on our relationship or not so I rang her and asked directly where I stood in her life. Her priorties did not include me and in all fairness I asked her to collect the remaining clothes she left here (as it was haunting me each time I opened the cupboard.. I'd smell her fragrance and want her back). A month or so after Valentine's Day we saw each other for the last time. There was no yelling. I thought we were going to talk as that's what she said she'd make time to do also, but nope... Just a cheek kiss hello then an offer of a hug goodbye... ummm no thanks I said. I didn't want to break down crying in front of her.

 

That was March 18th, 2003... every single day since then I have wished her back in one way or another. I have not spoken to her, sent a letter and I didn't become a stalker! Somehow I self-imposed the NC rule I have only read about in the past few days since I've been reading here! Like others, I found writing down my feelings when really sad and lonely managed to release a weight off my shoulders each time and stopped me from picking up the phone and making the mistake of trying to force my love onto someone who doesn't want it. I now have a folder with over 100 poems and letters expressing my feelings over the past eighteen months, all of which I wish she could read to really understand how my heart aches for her.

 

I have improved myself during my time alone - I have re-toned my body and added a couple more kilos of muscles, improved my fitness, learnt to cook, keep my house clean 'n tidy and take the time to read a book now and then. I have thought about moments I treated her badly, with disrespect and without care for her feelings. I regret those times and wish I could be more mature and level headed. I have cried so many tears I find myself more empathetic towards the sadness and ill-fortune people suffer in the world and have been sponsoring a child in Peru for a year now. I've spent time on my interests and tried to expand them.

 

The first six months alone was the hardest to adapt to. An empty bed, no one ringing to say they love you, no one knocking on my door with the face I'm praying for. Every day becomes a challenge.

 

Now its the 21st July, 2004 and I still dream about her almost every single night when I sleep. I get the things done I need to do each day but always think of her. I have met other girls but have not felt a single spark nor the desire to persue another relationship. I want to call x-gf still and I would love to send her one of my letters and/or poems to express how I still feel - I wonder what I have to lose now I know I can live without her and we've given each other plenty of time and space. In my heart I feel a love that still burns. We once spoke of marriage, having children and living a happy life together. Do these dreams fade? I have never loved someone so much and some days I feel I will accept my single life if I can't share my love with her.

 

Could someone PLEASE tell me what I should do?! It's been 16 months with NC and I feel this love must be something special if I still feel it inside? I have always moved on after a break-up but not this time. We were the closest of friends and I thought each other's soul mate. I am not supersticious and don't mean to sound morbid but get this... My mum's dad died on my dad's birthday.. My dad's dad died on my mum's birthday. My x-gf's dad died on my birthday.. I never said this to her because I know it sounds messed up but I still wonder if it's some sort of sign. Maybe I'm just hoping we're a match by using any sick excuse? Please someone give me guidance. I am 29 and feel more mature than I've ever been yet feel so lost still. After so long why do I still feel this? I know if we were to ever work on things it would be take time but I just want nothing more in this world so I will almost sing and dance for her love! Please help before I do!! =;

 

Thanks in advance! (& SORRY for such a long post... I never make things simple)

 

Paul.

[kekep]

why have you waited so long to contact her? it seems like you are dying inside. if anything, you could try to become friends with her, especially since it seems like you feel life is incomplete without her. friendship is a great way to maintain contact with the person you love, without forcing your romantic feelings on her. but remember to keep it light; you don't want her feeling smothered by your feelings for her. she needs to be reminded of the person she fell in love with, not the obsessive stalker who can't get over her. you seem like a great guy, and this girl would be stupid to pass up another chance with you. Congratulations on keep NC going for so long; i have only done it for a few days and it's hard. anyway, hope this post helps you somewhat.

[Scout]

Um, I don't know if I agree that this girl would be "stupid" to pass up another chance with you. Quite frankly, you really did blow it the first time around. To your credit, sounds like you learned every lesson from this, though.

 

Ok, all that being said - I agree with the other poster. You sound like you are dying inside. Get back in touch with her and see what happens. Enough time has gone by to soften the memories of the bad things you did, and it is clear you genuinely feel something remarkable about this girl. Don't be scared - pick up the phone. And tell us what happened!

[ravens_folly]

Oh my god yes, you should call her or something. That is like the saddest story I've heard all day....

 

if I had a guy that loved me like that!!!!!!!!!!!! What would I do!, I would be in heaven I tell you.

 

I sure hope she is the forgiving type, because although things got messed up the first time, no one is perfect and you sure learned your lesson. You seem like a great person.

I hope it works out for you!!!

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

You are peerless my friend. I wonder if I'll feel the same way 16 months from now. If I were in your shoes I wouldn't call my ex. But then again, she went back to her ex and never said she loved me, plus she left me and has to learn from her mistake and want me back.

 

So I don't see why you shouldn't try and contact her. Who knows, she might think about you all the time too.

 

But be careful. The other possibility is that she's moved on with her life. How are you going to take that? Someone on here said once that the only cure for a woman is a nother woman. If you find yourself unable to start a blaze with this girl, you should take your matches somewhere else--to someone else.

 

But good luck. Someone that loves this much really deserves the object of his desire.

[dreamguy]

Paul,

 

You said that when you both broke up you spent the whole day realizing your mistake. What mistake ? That you didn't want to spend Christmas day at her aunt's place ?

Paul that's not a mistake ! Especially when you had your reasons not to like her aunt in the first place. But I didn't expect her to understand that since she was too young back then. She probably is still young but she should have at least matured during those 16 months !

I'd say you should contact her by all means !! Just be neutral at first and don't talk about ANY feelings or about the relationship you both had. It's been too long and you cannot just pick off where you left. It doesn't work that way.

I don't even think you should tell her you have been thinking about her every day. Like someone else on this thread said "she might have moved on with her life and it would feel weird to her."

Listen, isn't there a song you both used to like ? Because as soon as you call she will wonder (and maybe she'll ask you) how come you thought about me and you're calling after 16 months ?

So just tell her "There was this song playing and suddenly it struck me, I thought about giving you a call to check on you and see how you are."

Make it sound natural and spontaneous. She'll be more receptive.

Then talk to her about generalities. Ask her what she's been doing lately (but don't ask if she's seeing someone and don't talk about other people you have dated). After a few minutes have passed, apologize and tell her it was really great talking to her again but you have to hang up because you have to get going (make up a plausible excuse).

In the eventual case where she asks to meet you, try to remain calm and poised even if you're extremely thrilled deep inside. If she doesn't ask to see you, don't worry she might be overwhelmed to hear your voice after such a long time. Take it easy and give her some time to re-adjust.

Good luck Paul, I think you're genuine at heart and the world is missing people like you ! Don't ever change but learn to control and channel your emotions in a way that'll make your life easier and less painful.

Keep us updated !

[Paul-From-Oz]

Thankyou all for you replies! I just woke up after an afternoon nap and it really feels good to read your opinions.

 

Kekep, I have waiting so long because I applied the NC on myself early on in our break up as I felt I needed time to become a better person, give each other space to think and maybe I'm stupid but I hoped that if love was meant to be, then in time it would work out. I believe in fate because I have dreamt too much in my lifetime that comes true as deja-vu later in life. No doubt I would adore her friendship and it would be a new challenge for me to control my feelings while being blessed with her presecence.

 

Scout, yes I blew my chance BIG time and x-gf had warned me many times that one day I would push her away and she would not return. She also believed that if love is meant to be, it will return and said as much when we broke up. Last week I had a dream where I was talking to her on the phone and shortly after I woke up with the overwhelming desire to pick up the phone next to my bed and call her. It felt so strong but what would I say? I must build the strength so I don't crumble.

 

Ravens_folly & The_tiger_striped_cat, thankyou for your encouraging words. X-gf's heart is full of goodness and I can only pray and hope that I can be forgiven for my neglect. I doubt she would have gone to the arms of another guy straight away as she had no ex's that got to a serious level - helps when you snatch the booty at 17 eh? hehe! If I called her and found out she was waiting to hear from me, it would be every last wish come true. It would no longer crush me if she has moved on and wants nothing to do with me as I have accepted my single-life. When I was younger I would move onto another g/f quickly and it does work... but when you find someone you love with every ounce of your body, it doesn't feel right to jump into bed with someone else.

 

Dreamguy, thanks for you post it came through as I was typing this Yes I stand by my reasons for not wanting to spend Xmas Day at evil-Aunties house and I had expressed my desire not to be there in the previous weeks. I could have compromised and perhaps should have. But I am too strong willed sometimes and refused to back down. Yes I agree with you, I would not tell her how much I miss her/how much I think of her and am aware any potential reconciliation would take many months. We indeed had several songs we listened to and sent a few cd singles to each other expressing our love. I like your 'spontaneous' idea and I can just ring and say hello, how are you, it's been a long time since we spoke, etc.. Even if she has no interest in me, it will solve the wondering in my head - not knowing and not doing something about it one more time may lead to a life of regret which I don't want.

 

Thankyou all so much! I now need to eat some dinner to restore some energy lost out my eyes and start to build the courage to call her in the coming days. I'll be back!

[Scout]

Best of luck! Don't be too nervous - despite the fact you've been pining over her for so long, which has probably put her on a pedestal at this point, this is a girl who truly loved you, and I am sure she would be glad to hear from you. Definitely keep it light, and I also like the suggestion of saying "hey, this song came on and reminded me of you, and I've also often wondered how you are, so wanted to call."

 

Really, don't be nervous, I think this is a good idea. You two were very important to each other at one point, and it's actually pretty nice of you to call to let her know you still think about her and wish her well.