significant age difference, not the only concern

[Christi84]

Hello Everyone, I've found myself in a situation that I am not sure how to deal with. Just looking for opinions. Sorry if it gets a little long. Thanks.

 

I am a live-in nanny who has taken care of two small children Monday-Friday for the past 8 months now. Before I took this job, I had an understanding with the family that it would only be temporary as I was hoping to move away from here. So the time had come for me to start searching for a new nannying job. Through this au pair website I had met a single father (lets call him AML) a few months back and had been chatting with him. At first he was interested in me as a nanny for his young daughter.

 

At the time I met him I was not looking to leave here so I turned down the offer. We stopped corresponding for about 2 months and then one day he appeared online and messaged me. We got to talking and what started out as friendly conversation soon turned into something more. For a period of about 3 weeks we talked every night on the phone and online. Sometime during all that he told me he was still looking for a nanny for his daughter. Though he lives in Las Vegas at the moment, the job would be in New York where he grew up. I had a vacation coming up out in LA which is just a short plane ride to Vegas, so I agreed to meet him and his daughter and see if maybe I'd like to be her nanny.

 

The plane ride to LA was long and allowed me to get a few good hours of undisturbed thinking in. I thought about what my trip to Vegas would be like when I went there. Over the past few weeks I had really started liking the guy. Hours and hours of talking at night made me feel like I knew so much about him. Still, I decided it would be best if I maintained a professional relationship with this man.

 

Halfway through my vacation in Los Angeles, I flew over to Vegas early one morning to spend the day there and return the next morning to LA. Meeting AML was interesting. What started out as a job interview quickly became a little more personal. He picked me up from the airport and took me out to breakfast. His daughter was at daycare so it was just the two of us. At breakfast we talked and talked and I was a little nervous so it was mostly him talking about his little girl and New York and stuff. He made me laugh so much by joking around and stuff. Anyone who knows me knows I love to laugh and if a guy can get me laughing the way he did , I'm all his.

 

So after breakfast we go to his house and he introduces me to his neighbors and stuff. The whole time there was a sense of "tension" between us. We both wanted each other and we both knew it. Finally, it just happened. I can't even think of how it began, but it was wonderful. We spent the last couple hours of the morning in bed. That afternoon we picked up his daughter and the three of us spent the afternoon playing, went out to eat and the it was bedtime. I had intended on staying in the guest room but I ended up staying the night with him. It was all so different because I've never slept with anyone on the first meeting but I felt like I had known him for so long.

 

The next day I returned to LA to finish my vacation. All I could think about was AML and his amazing little girl. I had returned there saturday and by sunday evening I was flying back to Vegas. I ended up extending my vacation and spent a full week there with them. I loved it. His little girl is great and she really got attached to me (and I got attached to her) in the short time I was there. As far as AML, he introduced me to his family out there, he didn't hide his feelings for me in front of them as I feared he might. He was very calm and cool about the whole thing. This surprised me because......he's 31 and I'm a few weeks away from 20

 

31 and 20......though the age difference didn't seem to bother anyone, if things got serious..would it?

 

Before I came back home he told me that he wanted to pursue "us" and asked me if I liked that idea and I said yes. I think he's a wonderful man and an amazing father (that is so attractive).

 

So here's the real question(s). Does anyone here think it's wrong what I'm doing with this man? Is the age difference too much? (keep in mind he's pretty young at heart, has to be with that little girl ) Any opinions or advice on this situation would be gladly accepted. Thanks for reading, I know it was long. Sorry.

[AzurePhoenix]

Hi Christi,

 

I am glad that you posted. This is fairly complicated and I think there are several areas of concern. Not that they are bad in themselves, but I think these are areas that need to be thought of and explored by you.

 

The least important is the age gap. While at 19 and 31 there is a vast difference in life experience and areas of interest, as the two of you age it will become less and less. However in saying that, since you are 19, you will change the most as time goes on. In 3 to 5 years what is important to you now, may not be important to you then and this situation may seem like a cage to you. What of your future plans? How does this affect them?

 

The other aspect that is concerning is your relationship with the little girl. In this case, you are taking on the surrogate mother role, not the care-taker role. Since you are intimate with her father and openly so, the "bonding" between you and she will likely be much stronger. Are you ready to be the surrogate mother? Does this mean that your future plans, such as collage, will have to be put on hold?

 

The confusing part is the intertwining of your relationship with AML between your profession (a live-in Nanny) and as a lover/girlfriend. This complicates your relationships on both ends. He is both your employer *and* your lover. If things went south on your relationship.. then what? This is a good segway to another area that I think needs to be addressed. That area is an issue with control. He holds all the cards. He controls the finances (he is your employer), his house, his bed. You have no area of your life that is separate from this situation that is under your control. The reason that this is of concern is that it makes you very dependend upon him. If he turns out to be an abusive and controlling person, you may have no escape.

 

Lastly, on the flip side, he is in a precarious situation. If he is actually paying you as a nanny, he is breaking some laws regarding sex and the workplace. There is also some social impropriety to this situation and some will think that he is taking advantage of you or has manipulated you into this situation.

 

If you have feelings for this man, then explore them by all means. Keep your eyes open to pitfalls, and there are many of them. Work around the challenges. Be careful! This can so easily be turned into one of those tragic lifetime movies where someone becomes a victim.

 

Luck~

 

~AzurePhoenix

[cp4200]

I'm not sure that age makes that much difference, then again it can make a world of difference. You are the young one here, and you have got to look at the backgrounds, educational situations, family interests, and a host of other things that will be a part of that decision. Do you want to continue on your educational path, for example?

 

At 19 or 20, you're still learning about life, and more particularly, yourself. While you have been nannying for some time, that does give you a more responsible and mature perspective on things.

 

Now, do you want to be a live in nanny, or a wife? That is the real question. You and the little girl became attached to each other it seems, but what about her real mother. Where does she fit into the picture?

 

While you might want to take this to the next level in a relationship, I would do some more thinking and ask more questions of yourself and him. There is a ten to twelve year difference here, and while it may not seem to be much now, what about later in life if you do marry?

 

There's a lot of variables and missing information for us to really help you decide what to do. Keep talking to others, read some books on the age differences in relationships and marriage.

 

Whatever you do, take your time, and allow the relationship to develop. I don't think it would be a good idea to be the nanny, move in, live in sounds more like it would be, then maybe decide to marry.

 

It is not setting a good example for the little girl, nor would it allow you the freedom to decide what to do. Once you move in to that situation, it will be much harder to separate if it doesn't work out. You will become dependent on him for just about everything. Not only that, but if the little girl starts to develop a relationship with the idea that you might be a "mommy" and not a nanny, it could hurt her more than you think.

 

You do have a dilemma here. My suggestion at this time is do not comingle the work and personal relationship into the same situation. Make it one or the other, not both unless marriage is involved. And that decision shouldn't be for about a year. There are more differences than you know at this time, and only time will tell if they are meaningful or meaningless.

 

Chuck

[sym666]

... Make it one or the other, not both unless marriage is involved. And that decision shouldn't be for about a year...Chuck

 

cp, I mostly agree on what you said. I didn't get very well the sense of the sentences I quoted, tough. What did you mean? Is marriage the authorization to do potentially stupid things? And one year after first meet, the proper period to be allowed to do so?

 

Oh, I think I've got it just before hitting "Submit": maybe you meant that with marriage she would be "forced" to mix the two things. If so I'm sorry, just a misunderstanding. But I'd have written "live together" anyway.

 

"One year" remains a mystery to me...

[cp4200]

What I meant here was that she should not do both at the same time. Either work for him and maintain a working, non personal relationship which is doubtful it would happen under the present circumstances. Or she could maintain a personal relationship and work elsewhere, in which case he will still need to hire a nanny, which might cause additional friction. There is no easy solution here.

 

Under any circumstance she should not move in with the conception that she could work and maintain a personal relationship. That would be the worst scenario due to the dependency on him for everything. If the relationship avenue is pursued, then there should be no decision to marry for at least a year, due largely to many factors such as age and personal differences aside. The other poster nailed it right on when she advised that in five years, her interests may take a different turn, she being only 19-20 right now. My advice is don't rush into marriage thinking it will solve all the problems, and that applies for just about anyone.

 

CP

[Christi84]

Thank you all so much for the advice you have given so far. I do understand it is a sketchy situation and I should proceed with caution. One part of me (my mind) knows that it's usually not a good idea to mix business with pleasure but another part (my heart) is so smitten with both father and daughter and would love to see where this could go as a personal relationship with both. It's a dilemma and I can't stop thinking about it. Your advice has given me even more to think about. Once I figure out what I am going to do I will update this. Thanks again for your advice.

[sym666]

What I meant..

 

Thanks cp, I think I now got your idea better. Like you said there's no easy "solutions" here. I think I'll try to keep the relation going and work somewhere else. This could allow to see things from a more distant point of view and it will let Christi live this situation, say, in a slower way, keeping certain things more separated from her life, especially the relationship with the man's daughter. Excitment, enthusiasm can sometimes lure us into mistakes, or so we may consider them in a further phase, even tough they are so nice feelings to feel

 

But from your last post it seems you're quite aware of that, Christi