Overprotective family. I’m 24

[Moontiger]

I am going to be moving accross the country the first week of January. I am going to break the trip up into two days. However, my family is insisting that someone drive with me. I completely understand where they are coming from. It’s a lot of driving for one person to do and it will be the middle of winter so there are some risks. But I want to do this drive by myself for two reasons:

 

1) Someone has always taken care of me. My family still supports me financially and this would be the start of my journey to independence.

2) I am 24 years old. I am old enough to do this and I feel as though my family is not giving me enough credit. I want to prove to them I can do this.

 

I got a call from my dad today. He is trying to get my brother to drive with me. However, my brother and I have already talked and he has classes starting that week. I explain this to my dad. He then said, “Sometimes you have to sacrifice for the family.” I told him I understood that and that I really appreciated his concern because it shows how much he cares about me. He and I spoke for a minute or two and basically came to an impasse but he was very respectful and nice. Then he put my mom on the phone.

My mom basically told me that I had to take her advice, that everyone in the family felt the same way and that if I didn’t do what she wanted she would “not give me another penny.” I don’t have any fear/issues with monetary support being cut off (would probably be better for me if it was!) But the fact that she throw it in my face like that really hurt. After I got off the phone with her I started crying.

You can read some other post I have done about my mother. She has been sick recently and it was made her bitter, angry, and occasionally violent.

Has anyone been in a situation like this? How did you handle it? Or should I just give in?

[mia616]

Maybe that want to spend more time with you before you move away? I wouldn't take it to heart too much. Hey, they are letting you go all the way accross the country. I would at least let them drive with you!

[Moontiger]

Right now I already live very far away from them. I'm actually moving much closer to where they live. The thing is, none of them have the time for it. Between work, school, new babies, and my mom being afraid of driving at the moment, there is no one who would not be extremely inconvienced by this. Each time the topic is brought up it is always a concern about my safety (which I completely understand) that is the main reason they want someone to drive with me.

 

I would understand them wanting to spend time with me. However, the points of why I want to drive by myself still stand.

[jenny_mcs]

I completely understand your frustration, but...my family did the same thing to me when I moved cross-country. I had it pictured in my mind as this great adventurous solo road trip- just me and my dog, stopping wherever I felt like, etc. My parents FREAKED out. They pictured me getting abducted at a truck stop or falling asleep at the wheel and driving into a ditch. My dad was insisting on coming with me. In the end, I compromised. I got a girl friend to go with me, my parents were happy, and me and my friend had a blast.

[arcadefire]

Anytime I take personal trips, I just don't tell my parents because they are extremely overprotective of me, being female and all. If the person in question is my brother, it's all fair game. Strange, isn't it, the unfair world we live in?

 

Aside from that point, my mom has definitely thrown the "ungrateful" bit at me, told me to pay her for all the clothes she bought me as a kid, that she wished she had an abortion, etc. - this when I come home late on the weekends when I lived at home for a while after graduating college. I understand that parents are concerned for their children, but like you said, you need to stand firm on your independence. Do they try to accompany you on flights? Other trips? Grocery shopping? Filling up the gas? My mom is adamant about accompanying me to even fill up the gas!

 

I completely understand the frustration. My advice is to stand up for yourself and say that you're a grown woman and that you can handle all of that yourself. Then drop the subject and if it comes up just hang up the phone. I know this is drastic (because I too have to take this route) but at least you don't have to get emotionally flustered when your mom breathes yet another insult to your face.

[Moontiger]

Jenny- I wish I could get a friend to come with me. However, its not a possibility because they all have school, work, or cannot drive. I know the trip is going to be hard and I will probably be very glad to not drive for a very long time afterwards.

 

arcadefire- I have lived very far away for about 5 years now so they really haven't had the option to try and accompany me every where I go. That being said when I did live at home my mom was always very protective of me. She forbid me from driving on freeways up until I left for college. I just wish they would trust me.

 

Thanks for the reply! It helping me be more confident in standing up for my independence.

[arcadefire]

I don't think it's about trust more than about control. I agree that their sentiments are in the right place - they care about your safety, etc. but it's only a two day drive - not that much really, and it's not as if you're going to stop at some random dark gas station at night because you're probably smarter than that. But because you've "rebelled" and believe you should go by yourself, they've lost that "control" aspect of the parent/child relationship (which should be let go when a child reaches adult age!) and thus became more and more convinced that you are being a bad child for not listening to them. They're taking out all the stops to make you feel guilty, sad, angry. Don't fall for those traps - it's emotional blackmail and abuse - all because your mom didn't "get her way". I've lived all of this (still do) and my only solution is to not involve them in many facets of my life, which is a difficult choice but probably the least stressful for both sides.

[Moontiger]

Just wanted to give an update on the situation. My father called me yesterday and basically told me I have not choice but to have my brother drive with me (my brother has class during this time. He is in law school right now) because my mom is flipping out.

 

Acade- Your right. this is completely about control for my mom. The problem I am now faced with is this- If I stick to my guns it could make Christmas very stressful and it WILL make my father's life more difficult because he will be the one my mom takes her frustration out on. So what do I do?

[Applewhite]

Maybe you should tell them you have changed your mind about driving alone. Tell them you've changed your mind (make something up - you will stay at a friends house or something?) and you will drive with your brother on a day he doesn't have class? And drive anyway...

 

Not sure - this is the best I can come up with.