Asking advice

[Striver]

About a week ago my gf and I broke up and I would like some advice. Here is what happened:

 

The Friday before the weekend we were due to go out that evening. We work in the same building and I emailed her a good morning and asked about the movie we were planning on seeing. I did not get a reponse for about 2 hours but when I did she told me she was upset at being late for work, and she did not feel like going out that evening. She said go ahead and take it personal but she did not feel like it. I was called off to a meeting before I had a chance to respond. About 30 minutes later I run into her in the elevator, and rather that be super friendly I was cool and reserved. When I got back to my desk, I received another email telling me if I was not friendly with her, how could she believe I cared and she wanted no part of that equation. I was sitting there a bit stunned then I received a 3rd email, telling me she was sorry for the first two, she was really upset and just wanted to be alone.

 

After that 3rd email, I started screwing up. I sent her 1 email, asking her, "could we talk". No response. After about an hour, I called her a three times. No answer on the phone each time. I decided to walk up to see her and she had left for the day. I then sent her an email, basically asking her why she was treating me this way, and shouldn't people talk and work things out...that sort of thing. Well did not hear from here all weekend.

 

The Monday, I receive an short email that basically said she was sorry for her behavior and that her need for solitude overwhelmed her. I responded saying I was sorry for disturbing her solitude and mentioned that I was planning on going out for pizza the next day and she was welcome to come along if she wished and we could talk. Well about an hour later I get a long letter basically saying her behavior was not good for me and that I should find someone else. When her need for solitude arises, she has no need for talking and sharing. It was basically a nice way of saying its over. I . sent her an email back saying if you want me out of your life, I am gone and I do not want any contact with her again, work or otherwise. My tone was not friendly. it was short, abrupt and I ended it saying 'just leave me alone".

 

A day later after some reflection, not enough, I sent her another long email that was pretty critical of her behavior. Saying that she had been unfair...not communicating...she was stringing me along...ect. And that while I did love her, it was clear it was not working out...And its best she is gone from my life.

 

Well I am in what you all call the "No Contact" period. I have had much more time to think. I have picked up a couple of relationship books. Wish I had read them before. Clearly I have alot of work to do. The real reason I think she broke up with me was that I was too giving. She had lost respect for me and I came accross as needy. I have that problem of being "too much a nice guy" and too giving into her demands during a relationship. I do love her, and woulld like her back, but I also realize I really need to improve myself and alot of things to work on before I enter back into a relationship.

 

So my question is this. Should I just maintain the "No Contact" totally and wait for her to get in touch with me, if ever. I realize I really slammed the door with my last two emails to her. Or should I drop her a simple note, saying I am sorry for being so harsh (which i am), and wish her the best?

 

(my instinct is mixed on this, if I send her something trying to at least end things on a positive note, she may just see it as manipulative. And the truth is, I would like to improve my relationship skills and try again, but not now)

[Mun]

Hi there,

I think you answered yourself:

Do NC until you feel better and improve your relationship skills. Strive to have a healthy relationship--that's your goal.

 

You might discover that you grow while she doesn't or she just might catch up. At least you will have helped yourself and your future relationships.

[lisaria]

Hey Striver,

You two remind me of my ex and I. We would argue, I would say something I didn't mean in the heat of the moment. Go home, cry, call and apologise and try to start again. It is an emotional rollercoaster where everybody loses.

My best advice would be No Contact. Give her a little space to figure out if she wants you. Believe me, she knows she was wrong in some of the things she did just like you. But if you call her you simply sound needy. Don't do it. Even though the last thing you said was to just leave you alone. She won't do it if she really cares and it sounds like she does.

I hope you and she will work things out, but if you don't then you will be very, very glad that you didn't call her. There are so many times I wish that I had not talked to my ex. So many times that I could have gotten on with my life and not been hurt as bad as I was later. So don't do it.

Good luck,

lisaria

[Striver]

Thanks for the responses!

 

It sounds like No Contact is best for the moment. Not the easiest thing for sure.

 

It seems alot of people enter into relationships going just on how they feel and it takes losing someone you really care about, to motivate oneself to sit down and start learning relationships 101. Ah...for those who know those skills naturally, they are the lucky ones...

 

You will probably see me back here asking for more advice. Thanks.