Is her past enough to end the relationship?

[Ryan]

Alright im 17 and my girlfriend is 17 as well. Before me my girlfriend was very wild like drinking with people in their 20's and doing stuff with them and not even knowing them. She has a huge history of stuff like this and I happen to have an empty past because I have always felt that I need to keep a high standard of integrity for myself and the person I eventually meet and I felt that they would do the same which means not wild and have a significantly small past and I just can't stop thinking about the stuff that happened in her past and bringing it up. Even though she has given all that up she still deep down has that wild side which I feel that I cannot deal with. We both have said we love each other which we very much do. Knowing that I am 17 and this is my first relationship of 10 months I don't know if I am over reacting or that how I feel a person should be until they find the one that they love. I would like to be with this girl but her past I don't think that I will ever be able to let go of. Also keep in mind that this is my first relationshiop and I am very young. I feel if I break up with her that I will regret it. She has been in many relationships and kissed many guys and that makes me feel like a am just another person in that on going trend and when I kiss her I always think of her past. Please help me and reply so I can find some closure please I have not been feeling very well because of all this for the past few weeks. thanks

 

Ryan

[ComputerGuy]

You need to talk to her about this, it sounds like you have a good relationship besides your feelings about her past. What you have to remember is that her past is that, her past, its behind her now.

 

You said she has changed since shes been with you, that shes calmed down. Maybe she realises that what she has got now is better than anything she has ever had and is working to try not to wreck it.

 

Ultimately you have to consider if you love this girl enough to accept that she made some decisions in the past you don't agree with, but thats not who she is today.

 

Personally I think it would be silly to let someone you love go because of the way they were before you. But you need to talk to her about how you feel, about just being another guy, because if shes changed as much as you say she has, you might be surprised to find out that she doesn't see you like that at all, and that is why she changed.

 

The fact that you have been together 10 months suggests that she wants more with you than what her past would have you believe.

[trypanosoma]

ComputerGuy is right... her past will always be with her, so accepting to be her boyfriend means that, although you do not accept her past, you helped her overcome it, making her a better person. Don't think about regretting a breakup if it were to happen, think of it as an experience that will make you stronger. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, and your girlfriend is showing that by putting her past aside and staying committed within your 10-month relationship. The worst thing you can do is to be afraid on where the relationship will go, preventing you from enjoying the relationship. If you feel uncomfortable about something, let her know... communication might lead to a stronger bond between you two, w/o the doubts. Good luck Ryan!

[sayer7]

Accept her for what and who she is... her past is part of her and will ALWAYS be a part of her. If you can't accept her past it will be hard for you to accept her for who she is now and who she will become in the future.

 

You said she has changed for the better... it seems it's you that has to get used to who she once was and who she is now so that you can maintain the relationship with her.

 

Talk with her about your issues with her past. Often if we have hang-up about a person it's because of a trust issue. It sounds like everything between you is fine, except you have a hang-up about her behavior in the past. Could you be scared that she may return to her wild ways someday and may violate your sense of integrity and pride? If you do-- then you may have a trust issue... maybe you don't trust her as completely as you thought you did.

 

Look inward and identify why you fear her past behavior... maybe you fear that if anyone learns about her past behavior you think it may make them think less of you because you are with her....

 

Maybe you wish you yourself had gone through a stage where you were wild and uninhibited-- and now faced with it, you fear she won't respect you because you haven't ever experienced what she has. Maybe this makes you feel less connected with her and that disconnection makes you afraid of losing her.

 

I really don't know... just look inward at the true cause of the hang-up about her past behavior... and then discuss this with her.

[neewollah]

You have to understand one thing, her past will always be with her and be part of her, but most important:

 

Her past made her who she is today!

 

So if you love her for who she is today, you've got to accept her past and learn how to deal with it, after all, you've gotta thank her past for giving you the person you love.

 

 

On the other hand, that wild past might create some trust issues, you have to know her better and trust her. If she isn't able to get you to trust her, forget about her.

[jaiva]

If you love her and you feel that she truly loves you then you shouldn't worry about her past. As long as she doesn't have any STDs then you shouldn't worry. You should bask in your happiness together and live in the present. The past can't be changed and that wild side might be something you might want to explore together.

Jaiva

[Relationshop]

Hi, Ryan,

 

(I found this thread while doing research for a book on relationships)

 

(in response to)

 

> You need to talk to her about this

 

and

 

> communication might lead to a stronger bond

 

No, you should not bring it up. According to your own words, she has given you no reason to distrust her lately, and so, if you bring up your distrust of her past, then I promise you that no matter how good your intentions are, your words will be taken as an accusation, and accusations end relationships. Few things are more dangerous than the lie that communication is a cure-all and that all communication is thereforeeee good.

 

Sincerely,

 

J. E. Brown (mr.)

Relationshop

Educational Materials for Good Relationships

link removed

Los Alamos, New Mexico USA

and

author, "Why Are People Rude?"

link removed

[caliboy]

I'm engaged to a girl who's also had a busy past - although she's 30. I met her when she was 28 and she told me about her past then. When she was younger 17-22 she was with 7 people or so, and has only been with maybe 3-4 people since then. It bothered me too when I learned of her past, because I'm just like you in that my past hasn't been as busy as hers. But it's true what everyone says about it being her past and that'll always be. She's the person she is because of her past. And she's with you and in a relationship with YOU for a reason. If she's a permiscuous girl and cheats, then that's another thing, but if she just likes to go out and have fun then that's normal. It's your own insecurities that's messing with your mind - which I guaruntee will eventually push her away, so you gotta change your mindset.

 

You and her are both young, so this is the time that you get these things out of your system. She'll probably have her fill of this party life into her 20s, grow sort of tired of it and mature from it. You should be doing the same thing in fact. My guess is that if you look ahead 5 years from now, she'll be a part of your past, along with probably at least 5 other girls. Don't sweat it you're young and you'll fall in love again. I'm living proof along with many others here.

[Cecelius]

Put in perspective: mostly its ego that is hurting you right now. Chances are if she's a decent girl, she doesn't care about what she did in the past, but you are going to look like a chump if you let it bother you.

 

Make sure that you give her the best physical stuff you possibly can, and she'll never think of another guy again.

 

With time, it will not seem that bad, and likely as not, she'll be part of your past before too long. You didn't give numbers, but try not to go into detail with her, don't ask questions and don't get into that sick frame of mind that people do where they goulishly know everything their partner has done.

[Mun]

Hello Ryan,

I have to say that if you are going to keep this over her head for the rest of the time you are with her then you need to let this girl go. Nobody likes to be reminded and reprimanded for something that happened in the past--when they were not even with you. We all make mistakes. Why should she pay for them when she was not with you ---she didn't even dream of you yet.

 

I also want you to know that you are still very young and you will meet many more people before you settle down. Everybody has a past. Whether it be mild incidents or deep down dirty secrets. You will eventually come to judge a person based on who they are now and not their past. People change.

 

You have every right to want to keep your integrity intact. That is your choice.

 

Like I said before if this is bothering you so much you need to let this girl go. You will not make her happy.